How To Stop Being A People Pleaser: Addressing Anxiety & Fostering Mental Health
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It can be important for us to take other people’s feelings, needs, and expectations into account. Considering the needs and desires of family members, friends, coworkers, and others we regularly interact with can be an important part of developing healthy relationships. However, if you’re consistently meeting other people’s needs at the exclusion of your own, you may be engaging in people-pleasing behavior. While people-pleasing might help avoid conflict, it can also lead to significant relational challenges and mental health concerns. Below, we’re providing an overview of people-pleasing behavior, outlining its potential causes, and discussing ways you may be able to stop being a people pleaser.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior that involves a strong need for external validation and a heightened desire to ensure other people’s needs are met—even if that means not meeting one’s own needs. People-pleasing behavior can manifest in many different ways, from struggling to say no when others ask for favors to avoiding seeking support for oneself. A person may engage in people-pleasing for a variety of reasons, including underlying mental health concerns, past experiences, and personality traits.
While the desire to sacrifice for or compromise with others can sometimes be beneficial, automatically and consistently doing so can lead to worsening mental health challenges, low self-esteem, and unhealthy relationships. Over time, people-pleasing can make it hard for an individual to pursue their goals and self-actualize.
Signs of people-pleasing behavior
Identifying people-pleasing can be the first step toward addressing it. Often, those with people-pleasing tendencies don’t realize that they’re engaging in this behavioral pattern. They may be so used to avoiding confrontation or putting others’ needs ahead of their own that it becomes second nature.
The following are some common signs of people-pleasing behavior:
- Conflict avoidance, even during important disagreements
- Difficulty forming a strong self-identity
- Excessive focus on accommodating other people’s needs
- Trouble saying no to requests
- A strong desire for external validation
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Frequent adoption of other people’s opinions, attitudes, or mannerisms
- Difficulty setting boundaries in relationships
- Poor self-esteem
- Over-attentiveness to other people’s feelings
Anxiety, bipolar disorder, upbringing, and other potential sources of people-pleasing
While people-pleasing itself is not a disorder, it can sometimes be a sign that an individual is living with a mood disorder, anxiety disorder, or other mental health condition. Certain mental health challenges can cause people to fear abandonment, judgment, or embarrassment, which may lead to people-pleasing tendencies. A person’s upbringing or personality traits could also make people pleasing more likely. Read about some of these potential sources below.
Upbringing
Individuals who were frequently judged or criticized as children may put a focus on external validation as they get older. If a person’s parents discouraged them from expressing themselves or voicing their opinion, for example, they may struggle to assert themselves later in life. This behavior can become reinforced over time, as children may learn to connect their value to being well-behaved, quiet, or obedient.
Additionally, an individual’s upbringing can cause them to develop an insecure attachment style, which may manifest in people-pleasing behavior. Neglect or a lack of approval on the part of caregivers can condition an individual to believe that other people’s emotions are more important than their own. They may then start feeling guilty if they ever prioritize their own feelings or needs.
Personality traits
There are several different personality characteristics that may contribute to people-pleasing. For example, individuals who are perfectionists may believe that other people have the same high expectations that they have of themselves. This can cause them to go to great lengths to make bosses, friends, partners, or other individuals happy. Additionally, being dependent on others can lead to people-pleasing. An excessive need or desire for support from other people may cause an individual to feel that they must reciprocate frequently.
Social anxiety disorder
The fear of judgment or rejection can drive people to prioritize the needs of others. People with social anxiety disorder may go along with situations that they aren’t comfortable with to avoid protracted interactions or judgment. This is an avoidance technique that can be prompted by high levels of nervousness and worry in social situations.
Bipolar disorder
Individuals with bipolar disorder sometimes experience a strong fear of abandonment during either a manic episode or a depressive episode. During periods of mania, people may struggle with boundaries due to an elevated mood. This may cause them to make promises that they can’t keep or otherwise spread themselves too thin. Alternatively, during a depressive episode, an individual with bipolar disorder may experience poor self-esteem and an overall low mood, which can sometimes contribute to people-pleasing behavior or a lack of energy to speak up for one’s own needs.
How people-pleasing can leave you feeling exhausted
Having people-pleaser tendencies can impact an individual’s mental and physical health in various ways. First, it can often lead to elevated stress levels, which can cause symptoms ranging from irritability to muscle tension to trouble sleeping, among others. Repeatedly attempting to meet the expectations and needs of others can also be exhausting over time, potentially impacting an individual’s professional, social, and personal life. It often requires being dishonest—both with acquaintances and loved ones, and with oneself—which can cause emotional distress and exhaustion as well.
Sustained efforts to manage other people’s feelings may drain a person of their mental energy, making it harder to focus. They can also exacerbate any mental health conditions that may be underlying the people-pleasing, such as anxiety.
Additionally, people-pleasing can lead to strained relationships. Loved ones may begin to notice that the individual frequently tells them what they want to hear or goes along with things despite their true feelings. This may contribute to a lack of trust, one-sided relationships, or codependency.
How to stop being a people pleaser: tips and strategies
If you struggle with people-pleasing behavior, there are several steps you can take to work on becoming more assertive, focusing on your own needs and your own well-being, and developing a stronger sense of self. Some examples are outlined below.
Establish and enforce boundaries
Ensuring that other people respect your needs may help you speak up about them more frequently. This may be difficult at first if you—and others—are used to deprioritizing your wants and needs, but persistence and patience can be key.
When setting boundaries, try to be specific and clear. For example, if a loved one frequently asks to borrow money but has failed to repay you in the past, you may say, “I’ll consider loaning you more money once you’ve paid back the money you borrowed the last few times.”
Limit interactions that leave you feeling exhausted
If you have the tendencies of a people-pleaser, some individuals may take advantage of your kindness. Are there friends or acquaintances who attempt to make you feel guilty when you set boundaries? Do some people in your life frequently seek support from you but refuse to help you when you ask for it? If so, you might consider devoting less time to those relationships as you work on finding your voice and getting better at setting boundaries.
Limiting interactions with people who drain your emotional and mental energy can help you focus on personal growth and allow you to express your true self. Additionally, it can free you up to nurture healthy relationships with others.
Address underlying mental health concerns
Addressing symptoms of anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other conditions may make it easier to implement the above tips. Conditions like these typically require professional treatment to address, so seeking the support of a mental health care provider can be crucial.
In addition, it can help to develop a healthy self-care routine. Self-care can help you reinforce the notion that you are worthy of compassion and nurturing. It can take many forms; for example, you might get regular massages or treat yourself to a warm bath. You can also practice mindfulness or other forms of meditation, as becoming more aware of your thoughts and feelings can help you stay in touch with your needs. Some other positive self-care practices include exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep, and maintaining a healthy nutritional plan.
Addressing people-pleasing behavior in therapy
Recognizing the above signs of people-pleasing in yourself can feel concerning. A therapist can provide you with emotional support and guidance as you work to address people-pleasing tendencies and build healthier relationships. Therapy can be a time for you to focus on your own feelings and needs while prioritizing your mental well-being.
A therapist may help you identify the potential causes of people-pleasing behaviors. If they detect signs of a diagnosable mental health disorder, they can also provide or suggest treatment. A therapist can connect you with useful resources too, such as exercises geared toward assertive communication.
How online therapy can help
If you’d like to seek professional support but you don’t have many providers in your area or feel overwhelmed at the prospect of searching for the right fit for you, consider connecting with an online therapist. Online therapy can be a convenient and cost-effective way of addressing the sources of people-pleasing behavior so that you can better advocate for yourself.
Learning how to stop being a people pleaser in online therapy
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist from a huge team of mental health professionals, which can increase your chances of connecting with someone who can address your specific concerns regarding people-pleasing or related challenges. You can then meet with them remotely from home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Online therapy can also often be more affordable than in-person therapy without insurance.
The effectiveness of online mental health care
Studies suggest that, in many cases, online therapy may improve symptoms of mental health conditions that can contribute to people-pleasing behaviors. For example, in one randomized controlled trial, researchers suggest that online therapy led to significant reductions in symptoms of social anxiety disorder. The study also notes the ability of online therapy platforms to reduce certain barriers to mental health care, such as geographical limitations or time constraints.
Takeaway
What is the root cause of being a people pleaser?
People-pleasing habits are common in people who have a history of childhood traumatic experiences or who were rejected by loved ones in early life. In addition, these habits of self-sacrifice and self-neglect may develop as a protective mechanism or a way to seek validation when one struggles to establish boundaries or respect one's inner voice. In some cases, a mental health condition may be the cause of this symptom. A lack of self-love and self-esteem can also be a cause of neglecting self-care and prioritizing other people first.
How can you break the cycle of being a people pleaser?
To break a cycle and stop people pleasing, consider the cause of this behavior. What beliefs about yourself arise when you consider setting boundaries? Does it make you feel differently about yourself or the other person? Do you feel overwhelmed? Do you feel uncomfortable? Ask yourself to act authentically from your moral code and according to your values. Setting better boundaries can be a gradual process, but with a supportive network, you may be able to allow the people in your life to know you’re working on better organizing your time and self-awareness to sustain relationships and embrace discomfort.
What turns you into a people pleaser?
Many experiences can cause someone to develop difficulties setting boundaries and following their own desires. For example, not having supportive people around you or having aggressive and controlling family parents may cause you to develop these behaviors. Some people also become people pleasers due to traumatic events, such as abuse. However, no event has to occur for someone to become a people pleaser. Some people may have more submissive personalities and struggle to speak up for themselves.
What kind of trauma causes people-pleasing?
Abuse commonly causes people to struggle to set boundaries and speak up for themselves. Living life for other people is often a survival tactic in abusive situations, as speaking up can cause abuse to worsen. For this reason, even as adults, people who experienced childhood abuse are at a higher risk of low self-esteem. They may struggle to pursue their own creative hobbies or believe they are their best self as they are. Some people may believe that others have more valuable guidance for them than they have for themselves. They may second-guess any decision they make without the influence of others.
What personality disorder is a people pleaser?
No personality disorder has “people pleasing” listed as an official symptom. However, certain conditions, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) and histrionic personality disorder (HPD) can cause attention-seeking behaviors that may come off as people-pleasing tendencies. HPD, in particular, is characterized by significant attempts to gain attention from others, often going to extreme lengths, such as wearing revealing clothing or flirting with anyone in the area. These attempts are often not genuine and may be a form of manipulation.
Is being a people pleaser a mental illness?
People pleasing is not inherently a symptom of a mental illness. However, certain mental illnesses can cause people to be more prone to people-pleasing, such as anxiety disorders and some personality disorders. When someone is anxious, they might people please to avoid conflict or to not have a panic attack. These symptoms can often be successfully treated in therapy.
What are the character traits of a people pleaser?
People pleasers may have the following behaviors and traits:
- Constantly thinking about what others think of them
- Helping other people even when it causes problems for them
- Not setting boundaries out of fear of conflict
- Low self-esteem and self-loathing
- Believing it is one’s responsibility to take care of others and do everything they ask
- Lying to keep the peace
- Being afraid of being oneself around other people
- Fear of being “discovered” as inauthentic
- Being kind and placid when a situation warrants standing up for yourself
What attachment style is a people pleaser?
People-pleasing can be common in people with avoidant attachment styles because these people often avoid conflict to avoid difficult conversations and vulnerable moments. Setting boundaries can be difficult for avoidants because they often highly value their families and friends and may not want to set up a situation that could cause a relationship to end or be fractured in some way. They may avoid talking about their true feelings for months or years, which can lead to future conflict anyway.
Can you have a healthy relationship with a people pleaser?
It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a people pleaser, especially if they are able to identify their behaviors and work to change them. However, you may want to have an open discussion with them about how their people-pleasing impacts you and what you want to see more of from them. Remind them that they can be themselves with you and that it is safe to tell the truth and set boundaries if needed.
What is the best therapy for people pleasers?
People pleasers may benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help them explore the causes behind their behavior and the thoughts that contribute to continuing it. If one has experienced trauma, a form of trauma therapy like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR) may be helpful. Exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) can also be used, especially if one has an anxiety disorder, phobia, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
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