Coping Mechanisms: How To Stop Obsessing Over Someone

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines the word obsession as “a persistent thought, idea, image, or impulse that is experienced as intrusive or inappropriate and results in marked anxiety, distress, or discomfort.” Obsession can take many forms, such as an obsession over shopping or gambling, or even an obsession with someone else. 

Some obsessions can stem from an experience with someone that affects an individual so much that they become fanatical about that person. This condition – often referred to as an “obsessive love disorder” (OLD)– occurs when someone mistakes feelings of obsession for feelings of love. Although this is not an actual clinical disorder, this term is used to describe the phenomenon.

What does obsessive love disorder look like?

When an attachment to a person becomes an actual fixation, it can become extremely harmful to both the person who is experiencing the obsession and the person who is the target of it. The problem is it can be difficult to figure out how to stop obsessing over someone, as your mind may compulsively bring these thoughts about this person to the foreground of your life. 

There are a few behaviors commonly showcased with obsessive love disorder:

Behaviors associated with an obsession disorder

• Obsessive thoughts about a person
• Inability to accept rejection from the person
• Feeling possessive about the person
• Low self-esteem
• Disruptive thought patterns that prevent achieving typical daily activities
• Disregard for how the other person feels about the obsessive attention
• Being emotionally unavailable for anyone besides the object of your obsession

This personality disorder doesn’t only arise in romantic relationships; it can also occur over friends, co-workers, or even strangers on the street.

Is it obsessive love disorder or a misunderstanding?  

In some situations, each person simply has different definitions of what a relationship should be like. If you are in a relationship where you are more invested than the other person, it can come across as an obsessive love to the other person, even if the feelings are completely healthy to you.

Some people desire a relationship with lots of togetherness, while others value more independence. In any relationship, it's important that each person define the relationship in the same way and decide what level of attachment or independence is important. Sometimes it's difficult to reach a mutual decision about this. Talking with each other can help put words to your emotions and perspective.

Additionally, one person may not be in tune with the other person's social cues or love language. This is when the obsession over that person can begin to blossom. Lack of effective love translation, or lack of interest, can sometimes leave the more love-hungry person yearning and shifting into an obsessive love over the other person. In effort to get closer and have connection, they might put the other person on a pedestal. Suddenly their actions are for the other person's happiness, instead of their own reality.

Coping mechanisms to stop obsessing over someone

True fixation means that everything about your life and your world revolves around the other person. It means that you struggle to not think of that person or to even stay away from them for any length of time.

A person may lose jobs or relationships because of an obsession that completely takes over their life. If you have a hard time going about your normal day without getting distracted by that other person or object, there are things you can do to help. 

Being mindful of your thoughts

Distract yourself with a new hobby

It can be helpful to distract yourself from your intrusive thoughts and engage in other activities that promote self-improvement. They can allow you to see that there are important things in life other than your obsessive feelings. In this way, you can start to improve yourself and to focus on yourself at the same time.

Redirect your attention away from social media

Redirecting your attention towards something other than the other person can be a good way to healthily distract from your romantic obsession.

Spending time alone, making time for physical exercise, and sticking to a nourishing diet are all baseline ways of beginning to take care of yourself instead of fixating on the person who has become the object of your obsession.

In addition, it’s important to invest in relationships that promote a healthy love: the well-established bonds you already have with friends and family. Your support system will be there with you at every stage of life.

Therapy and mental health support for obsessive thoughts

Getting help right away is an important step and can help you get back to the life you want to live by learning how to reshape thought patterns. People with OLD often also have other, more well-recognized mental health disorders, so a licensed counselor will want to check for other disorders that may coexist. 

Treatment will depend your diagnosis. Therapy usually first focuses on finding the cause for the obsessive thoughts or feelings about a person, then focuses on learning healthy coping strategies, reframing thoughts, and learning healthier relationship practices. Medication may also be recommended to help cope with symptoms of depression or anxiety, among other things. If you are still in a relationship, individual therapy is often recommended initially, possibly shifting to couples therapy later. 

In-person counseling to improve mental health

Finding in-person help – especially a counselor who specializes in patients with obsessive love disorder – can be difficult given the small pool of professional from which to choose in your local community. With BetterHelp’s online therapy, you can browse through thousands of licensed counselors, including many specialists, to help make sure you find someone who understands your specific condition. 

Online therapy 

Multiple studies have found that online therapy, such as through BetterHelp, is just as effective in many situations as in-person therapy, and adds the convenience of being able to meet with a therapist at a time that works best for you, and from anywhere with an internet connection. It’s also easier to maintain your space as you will not be physically visiting a counseling office.