How To Express Romantic Feelings: Ways To Tell Someone You Love Them

The first time you say "I love you" in a relationship can be a significant step and may incite a mixture of emotions. For example, you might have personal difficulties expressing your feelings because of anxiety, insecurity, or inexperience. It may also be challenging or scary to tell someone you love them if the relationship is ambiguous and you're unsure how they feel, even if you’ve noticed some common signs that they may feel the same way.

Getting past mental blocks to express your feelings can allow you to be open with the person you love, regardless of the outcome. There are a few ways of identifying these blocks and several strategies you can use for expressing your feelings for the first time. 

Why is it difficult to tell someone you love them?

You might struggle with telling someone you love them for many reasons, including the following. 

You're worried you'll be rejected

One common reason people shy away from expressing their love is fear the other person won't say it back. Even in a romantic relationship, you may be worried that your partner doesn't feel as deeply as you do, and you may subconsciously expect rejection, which can be nerve-wracking.

Neuroimaging research indicates that rejection may activate some of the same parts of the brain as physical pain. Sensitivity with rejection may make many people apprehensive. However, overcoming a fear of rejection can be the first step to healthy communication. Even if the individual doesn't feel the same, you can know you were honest about how you felt and may feel relieved in knowing that you have a response instead of having to speculate.

Commitment and attachment make you nervous

Some psychological studies suggest that people form distinctive interpersonal attachment styles due to their childhood experiences. An avoidant attachment style can mean being uncomfortable with getting emotionally close with others. Deep down, part of you may be afraid that trusting people opens you up to getting hurt. You may wish to wait to express your love for someone, even if they make you feel happy and you can’t imagine your world or future without them, because you may fear your feelings won’t be reciprocated or that the person you care about will eventually hurt you.

When you have an avoidant attachment style, saying "I love you" could seem like a risk. You might hesitate to make yourself vulnerable by getting close with someone, even if you have vulnerable feelings for them. To address this, you might benefit from talking with an attachment-based therapist for guidance. 

You're unsure what to say 

Not everyone is equally skilled at putting their emotions into words. You may feel deep love for someone but struggle with expressing it adequately. Researchers and relationship experts have identified several factors associated with different "emotional awareness" levels, including age, gender, and socioeconomic stability. 

Try to tell yourself that someone who loves you may understand you better than others. They may not require anything more than the eight letters in the phrase "I love you" to sense the depth of your emotions. 

You're not sure what you feel

In some cases, people may second-guess their emotions and go back and forth about what they feel. This response may partially be because emotions can vary over time, and a partner who charmed you yesterday may annoy you in another moment. You may feel unsure about whether your feelings may last for the rest of your life. In addition, you may not be certain whether you love the person or if you just love spending time with them.

However, loving someone doesn't necessarily mean feeling happy with them every minute or even wanting to be with them forever. Many people who feel doubts about their partners go on to have happy, loving, fulfilling relationships. If you continue to struggle with your feelings, it could be beneficial to take some time to self-reflect before saying, "I love you." Give yourself time. You don't have to say "I love you" just because your partner has said it. People may fall in love on different schedules. One person may feel strongly after the first date, while the other may take months to reach the same level of affection.

How can you get over your hesitation and tell someone you love them?

After spending time with yourself reflecting on your feelings, you may have a better idea of what's holding you back from expressing your love. If you've decided the time is right to tell someone, there are a few steps you can take to avoid hesitation and make this milestone seem like less of a big deal. 

Write it down

Writing down what you want to say in a journal before saying it aloud may be beneficial. The process can help you look at your emotions objectively and clarify your feelings. Writing could be valuable if you're uncertain whether you are in love. 

Putting your feelings down on paper, where you don't have to worry about anyone else judging them, also lets you rehearse what you want to say, potentially building up your confidence. You can try different ways of phrasing what you want to say until you find the words that capture your love. You might write about how lucky you feel that they’re in your life, how excited you are to spend more time with them, how they make you feel special, or how they surprise you with the ways they’ve contributed to your happiness.

If you don't think the person you love would mind, you could also consider expressing your love to them in a letter. If you tend to write better than you communicate out loud, it could be a romantic gesture. You could also add your letter to a gift basket or give it to the individual while you're on a romantic date. 

Say it without words first: Consider a love song playlist

There are several ways to show that you love someone without saying it out loud. You can show up for them when they need help, give them gifts to brighten their day, or stare longingly into their eyes, for example. 

Demonstrating care and affection in minor ways may help you feel prepared to express yourself in words. Every time you say "I love you" with your actions, you can also say it in your head. Over time, this process may make the words feel more natural until you're ready to say them out loud and have your significant other hear them.

Alternatively, you could express your love with a love song playlist, a romantic poem, or a message on the bathroom mirror if you’re having trouble saying those three words for yourself. Finding creative ways to express your love, aside from the typical verbal declarations, can make it easier to show your feelings to your special someone.

Tailor it to the other person

For some people, nonverbal signs of love can be more meaningful than words. There's some scientific evidence that speaking to your partner in their preferred "love language" can strengthen your relationship. 

Think about how the person you love likes to give and receive affection. Do they respond most strongly to thoughtful gifts, cuddling, quality time, words, or acts of service? Pairing your declaration of love with these other forms of communication may help the message come across more clearly. You and your partner could also take a love languages quiz online before you tell them, so you can see from them which forms of love they prefer. 

You may also consider the time and place the other person would most appreciate hearing that you love them. Ask yourself whether they prefer grand romantic gestures or quiet moments of intimacy. If they enjoy having quiet date nights at home with snacks and a movie, it might not be beneficial to tell them you love them in front of a crowd at a restaurant. 

Be prepared for non-reciprocal feelings 

The person you love may say, "I love you too," as soon as you say how you feel. However, you may want to consider how to respond if they don't. Will you take a walk to clear your head? Could you turn to a friend or family member for support?

If expressing your love is difficult for you, it may be difficult for them too. They might not have had time to prepare for your declaration of love if they aren't sure how you feel. Even if they struggle to tell you they love you when you say it, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't. Try to avoid pressuring them for a response, giving them space to sort through how they feel.

Express your love directly and sincerely

When telling the other person that you love them, try to look them in the eye and say it clearly. You may be tempted to reduce your feelings of vulnerability by making a joke out of it or tossing the words out casually. However, doing so might make the person feel you don't mean what you're saying. 

Whether you've prepared a heartfelt speech or plan to state those "three little words," give your statement sincerity and no room for interpretation. Doing so may show the person you love that you care enough to be vulnerable.

Don't overthink it

It can make sense not to tell someone you love them before you're sure you mean it, and mentally preparing yourself may make the process easier. However, try not to worry about getting the timing exactly right. Relationship research doesn't show a connection between when you say, "I love you," and how the relationship turns out.

Divulging your emotions could be valuable for you, no matter how the other person responds. Studies on the causes of long-term well-being suggest that expressing love can have psychological benefits, such as preventing depression. Try not to consider all the implications of being in love and instead enjoy the experience.

Talk to a counselor 

If you still feel nervous, hesitant, or uncertain about expressing your love, consider psychotherapy. Discussing your feelings with a neutral party might make them easier to express to the person you care about. A mental health professional may also be able to help you work through challenges with emotional expression or control. 

If you find it difficult to express your feelings, you can also consider online therapy. It may feel easier to be emotionally honest when talking with a therapist remotely due to the sense of control and comfort it provides. You can also talk via messaging if face-to-face interaction makes you feel vulnerable.  

Clinical research suggests that online therapy can also be effective. An in-depth review of internet-based counseling found that it has the same effect as traditional therapy. Studies directly comparing both approaches found no indication that either was less effective. If you want to talk with a therapist about your relationship, consider contacting a counselor through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples.