Maintaining Independence: How To Ask For Space
It does not take long when playing the dating field to hear someone described as “too clingy.” Sometimes, we might be the ones being given this label by a partner or prospective partner, and we might not understand why. After all, don’t our partners want us to care? This is why understanding attachment styles is crucial to maintaining healthy independence in relationships.
Many of us might find ourselves in otherwise healthy relationships, but the levels of attention we require and the time we wish to spend with our romantic partner could differ widely. A romantic relationship functions at its best when both partners are on the same page about giving each other their own space and alone time, but there can be roadblocks along the way.
Maybe you or your partner feels a sense of anxiety when not knowing what the other partner is up to. Maybe one of you is experiencing insecurities or fears of abandonment, and the other partner feels suffocated by this amount of attention being given to their behavior. Learning how to maintain independence in a relationship can often be more difficult than we might think, and learning how to ask your partner for space through effectively communicating is crucial to the health of a relationship.
The difference between interdependence and codependency
You might have heard the phrase “my partner completes me” or “my better half” when one partner references another. While these might be sweet popular expressions that convey the deep love and bond we have with our partner, it is important to remember that we are not supposed to lose our sense of self in a relationship. Healthy relationships establish boundaries regarding levels of independence, and our self-esteem should be natural enough that we don’t feel as if we need a partner to “make us whole,” because we are already whole.
Independence
Many in relationships might struggle to understand the difference between interdependence and codependency. Interdependence is when partners share an emotional bond yet retain their senses of self. An interdependent couple might lean on each other during their time of need, but they also have other outlets for relief. They practice effective communication, set healthy boundaries, and maintain an equal partnership that meets each partner’s needs.
Codependence
Codependence is something far different; it is when someone relies entirely on others for their concept of self and their self-worth. This often stems from low self-esteem and other factors that leave people in a constant state of feeling like they have to please others.
Some examples of codependent behaviors include:
- Difficulty making decisions or describing their feelings. They might have trouble with something as small as choosing a restaurant or choosing a favorite movie without their partner’s input
- Minimizing how you feel
- Compromising your values or morals to fit in
- Placing high importance on the approval of others
- Only feeling content or “whole” when in a relationship
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Feeling unable to take care of one’s self
- Showering partner with gifts of affection rather than communicating about an issue head-on
- Passive-aggressive style of tackling conflicts
- Controlling behavior bordering on obsessive, or a complete permissiveness of behaviors that violate their own boundaries
The importance of maintaining independence
Romantic relationships are more likely to thrive when each partner can express their independence. Interdependent couples are more likely to have better conflict resolution skills, and they are more likely to effectively communicate with each other regarding boundaries, desires, and vulnerabilities. It is important to think of a romantic partner as a wonderful addition to your life, but not something you require for your life to feel of value. A romantic partnership should ideally bring out the best in both partners.
Role of attachment styles in maintaining independence
If you and your partner have similar attachment styles, this can be a relatively easy goal to achieve. However, often two partners will have differing attachment styles which can make it more difficult for both partners to feel like their emotional needs are being met in the relationship.
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you might have a predisposition towards codependent behaviors. These traits often take root due to trauma or abuse we have experienced in our lives. You might find your mind drifting to the worst possible scenario when your partner has taken a little longer than usual to respond to a text.
You might feel like you have to constantly smother your partner with love to keep them from abandoning you. An anxious attachment style can make a more independent partner feel overwhelmed, sometimes ending the relationship and feeding into the anxious partner’s negative feedback loop. Therapy can be a great resource for those with an anxious attachment style that is negatively impacting their relationships.
How to ask your partner for space
Asking for space in a relationship can often be difficult. Even if you are the more independent partner, you are likely still conscious of your partner’s feelings and do not wish to hurt them. Space is crucial for a healthy relationship, as it provides us with time to explore our interests, spend time with friends, or simply reflect and unwind.
When approaching this issue with a partner, be sure to communicate honestly and respectfully. Do not be dismissive of their concerns, as you might need to reassure your partner that your desire for space is not an inherent rejection of them.
Codependent people might find themselves not knowing what to do with themselves when they aren’t consumed with their partner. Exploring productive hobbies and finding things you enjoy doing alone or with people besides your partner can be a great way to see the importance of alone time in a relationship.
How therapy can help you maintain independence
Individual therapy or couples therapy can be great options for those who are in a relationship and struggling to agree on appropriate levels of independence. Online therapy in particular boasts a variety of options and convenient ways to connect with a licensed mental health professional.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy
Therapy can help us understand why we might be prone to codependent behaviors and explore ways we can address these issues and work through them. Research has found that therapeutic interventions like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can effectively help patients develop their self-esteem and sense of self generally, allowing them to more effectively set and defend personal boundaries.
Takeaway
Why is it important to maintain independence?
The ability to live an independent life has many benefits for older adults. Independence can help with physical well-being and support cognitive function in a person’s later years. Physical activity and exercise are especially important for those benefits, and if a person cannot move independently, it becomes significantly more challenging to get appropriate activity. Independence also allows a person to engage in a greater number of social connections. Social interaction is considered an essential part of maintaining physical and mental well-being.
Losing independence can often lead to isolation, especially for aging adults. Many are dependent on loved ones visiting them rather than being able to tolerate transportation to another location. Increased depression and other mental health concerns can occur if a person is isolated. Similarly, travel and physical movement increase blood flow and encourage good physical health.
How do you show independence in life?
Showing independence can look different from person to person, and there aren’t consistent definitions of what being independent means. Many elderly individuals prioritize independence to assert their autonomy and maintain safety. Similarly, young adults might want to show independence to demonstrate that they have matured enough to handle living alone. Some people might think independence is mainly about ensuring they don’t have to rely on others. Conversely, others might think showing independence is about marshaling resources and relying on others when necessary to achieve a goal. Many also consider independence to be about demonstrating freedom and the ability to make their own decisions despite influence from others.
What is the main purpose of maintaining independence?
For seniors, independence offers the option to maintain preferred living arrangements, socialize more frequently with friends and family, and reduce the risk associated with physical movements, such as slips, trips, or falls. In a person’s later years, it often becomes harder to access personalized support from loved ones, and independence may allow them to continue to enhance their well-being without as much support from others. Maintaining independence might also help retain cognitive abilities and likely helps fend off dementia. It is also possible that striving for independence can improve physical health and reduce the impact of chronic disease.
Why do I struggle to maintain independence?
For many, their challenges with independence began at a young age. A person’s upbringing typically makes a big difference in how independent they become in adulthood. For example, being raised in an environment where reliance on others was encouraged may lead to challenges in trying to remain independent in adulthood. Those who were not praised or encouraged as children might also lack the confidence to maintain independence. In some cases, anxiety disorders or an insecure attachment style can make it difficult for someone to achieve independence.
What does healthy independence look like?
Healthy independence often looks like achieving certain objectives without substantial support from others. It might also look like maintaining emotional stability, self-esteem, motivation, or other individual factors without much additional support. In many cases, independence does not mean completely avoiding reliance on others. Achieving independence often means striking a balance between help from others and independent actions.
How do I develop more independence?
Many have found that increasing self-esteem can bolster independence considerably. Self-esteem is closely related to confidence, although they are not the same. Self-esteem typically refers to a person’s positive impressions of themselves, while confidence usually refers to a person’s belief in their ability to complete a task. Those with high self-esteem tend to see themselves as more capable and thus have more confidence to complete tasks independently.
What causes loss of independence in relationships?
A loss of independence in relationships may be due to one or both partners possessing an insecure attachment style. Attachment styles, derived from attachment theory, indicate the manner in which a person forms bonds with those around them, and evidence suggests a person’s attachment style can significantly impact adult relationships. Those with secure attachment styles typically have a good view of themselves, are comfortable spending time alone, and are able to advocate for themselves in a relationship.
In contrast, those with insecure attachment styles often greatly fear abandonment, and may go to great lengths to prevent a relationship from ending, even if the quality is low. Many people with insecure attachment styles do not consider themselves capable of thriving or surviving outside of the relationship. However, it is likely that programs and strategies used to help people increase self-esteem and independence will likely help them gain independence in relationships, regardless of attachment style.
What are the three types of independence in relationships?
The three types of independence in relationships likely refer to the three categories in which dependence is commonly categorized: dependent, independent, and interdependent. A dependent (no independence) person relies heavily on their partner, an independent person maintains their own identity and autonomy, and an interdependent person strikes a healthy balance between the two. Interdependence, in which both partners rely on each other but are still capable of independent action, is typically considered the healthiest type of dependence in a relationship. Many couples find their ideal interdependent balance after sharing a living space.
How do you improve your independence?
Skill-building and confidence-building often promote independence. Skill-building refers to practicing skills necessary for independence, such as cooking, and developing skills necessary for fulfillment, such as those required for many hobbies. Confidence-building means increasing your belief that you can capably complete tasks and achieve your goals. The act of improving skills over time can encourage confidence to develop, making you more certain of your abilities in the future.
If you find it challenging to improve confidence and independence, you may want to consider working with a therapist or other mental health professional. They can likely help you learn techniques that lead to increased self-respect, confidence, and willingness to learn skills for independence.
How do you maintain independence when living together?
Residents in the same household, whether family, friends, or a couple, often rely on each other for certain tasks. They might also find it challenging to obtain the personal space necessary for work or leisure. This can sometimes make independence challenging, as the shared space must typically be negotiated amongst all who use it. Maintaining independence often means compromise, and it is typically helpful to approach compromise proactively. You may want to discuss boundaries and sharing strategies with other members of the household, such as suggesting a schedule for TV usage, negotiating space for hobbies, or setting boundaries about who may use typically unshared spaces.
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