Maintaining Independence: How To Ask For Space

It does not take long when playing the dating field to hear someone described as “too clingy.” Sometimes, we might be the ones being given this label by a partner or prospective partner, and we might not understand why. After all, don’t our partners want us to care? This is why understanding attachment styles is crucial to maintaining healthy independence in relationships. 

Many of us might find ourselves in otherwise healthy relationships, but the levels of attention we require and the time we wish to spend with our romantic partner could differ widely. A romantic relationship functions at its best when both partners are on the same page about giving each other their own space and alone time, but there can be roadblocks along the way. 

Maybe you or your partner feels a sense of anxiety when not knowing what the other partner is up to. Maybe one of you is experiencing insecurities or fears of abandonment, and the other partner feels suffocated by this amount of attention being given to their behavior. Learning how to maintain independence in a relationship can often be more difficult than we might think, and learning how to ask your partner for space through effectively communicating is crucial to the health of a relationship.

The difference between interdependence and codependency

You might have heard the phrase “my partner completes me” or “my better half” when one partner references another. While these might be sweet popular expressions that convey the deep love and bond we have with our partner, it is important to remember that we are not supposed to lose our sense of self in a relationship. Healthy relationships establish boundaries regarding levels of independence, and our self-esteem should be natural enough that we don’t feel as if we need a partner to “make us whole,” because we are already whole.

Independence

Many in relationships might struggle to understand the difference between interdependence and codependency. Interdependence is when partners share an emotional bond yet retain their senses of self. An interdependent couple might lean on each other during their time of need, but they also have other outlets for relief. They practice effective communication, set healthy boundaries, and maintain an equal partnership that meets each partner’s needs.

Codependence

Codependence is something far different; it is when someone relies entirely on others for their concept of self and their self-worth. This often stems from low self-esteem and other factors that leave people in a constant state of feeling like they have to please others.

Some examples of codependent behaviors include: 

• Difficulty making decisions or describing their feelings. They might have trouble with something as small as choosing a restaurant or choosing a favorite movie without their partner’s input
• Minimizing how you feel
• Compromising your values or morals to fit in 
• Placing high importance on the approval of others
• Only feeling content or “whole” when in a relationship
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Feeling unable to take care of one’s self
• Showering partner with gifts of affection rather than communicating about an issue head-on
• Passive-aggressive style of tackling conflicts
• Controlling behavior bordering on obsessive, or a complete permissiveness of behaviors that violate their own boundaries

The importance of maintaining independence

Romantic relationships are more likely to thrive when each partner can express their independence. Interdependent couples are more likely to have better conflict resolution skills, and they are more likely to effectively communicate with each other regarding boundaries, desires, and vulnerabilities. It is important to think of a romantic partner as a wonderful addition to your life, but not something you require for your life to feel of value. A romantic partnership should ideally bring out the best in both partners.

Role of attachment styles in maintaining independence

If you and your partner have similar attachment styles, this can be a relatively easy goal to achieve. However, often two partners will have differing attachment styles which can make it more difficult for both partners to feel like their emotional needs are being met in the relationship.

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you might have a predisposition towards codependent behaviors. These traits often take root due to trauma or abuse we have experienced in our lives. You might find your mind drifting to the worst possible scenario when your partner has taken a little longer than usual to respond to a text. 

You might feel like you have to constantly smother your partner with love to keep them from abandoning you. An anxious attachment style can make a more independent partner feel overwhelmed, sometimes ending the relationship and feeding into the anxious partner’s negative feedback loop. Therapy can be a great resource for those with an anxious attachment style that is negatively impacting their relationships.   

How to ask your partner for space

Asking for space in a relationship can often be difficult. Even if you are the more independent partner, you are likely still conscious of your partner’s feelings and do not wish to hurt them. Space is crucial for a healthy relationship, as it provides us with time to explore our interests, spend time with friends, or simply reflect and unwind. 

When approaching this issue with a partner, be sure to communicate honestly and respectfully. Do not be dismissive of their concerns, as you might need to reassure your partner that your desire for space is not an inherent rejection of them. 

Codependent people might find themselves not knowing what to do with themselves when they aren’t consumed with their partner. Exploring productive hobbies and finding things you enjoy doing alone or with people besides your partner can be a great way to see the importance of alone time in a relationship.

How therapy can help you maintain independence

Individual therapy or couples therapy can be great options for those who are in a relationship and struggling to agree on appropriate levels of independence. Online therapy in particular boasts a variety of options and convenient ways to connect with a licensed mental health professional. 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy

Therapy can help us understand why we might be prone to codependent behaviors and explore ways we can address these issues and work through them. Research has found that therapeutic interventions like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can effectively help patients develop their self-esteem and sense of self generally, allowing them to more effectively set and defend personal boundaries.