Navigating Financial Tension In Your Relationship? How To Discuss It With Your Partner

Though it may feel uncomfortable to bring up at first, financial intimacy can be an important component of healthy relationships. When money isn’t discussed, or financial responsibilities are inequitably split, tension and resentment can develop. Having a conversation with your partner about their financial goals, values, and spending habits may be a good place to start. However, if you’re having a hard time opening the conversation, you may want to consider seeking professional help from a financial advisor, planner, or therapist. 

What is financial compatibility? 

Financial compatibility generally means that you and your partner are both comfortable with your financial health as a couple and that you’re not concerned with the way your partner handles their finances. Though partners may make different amounts of money or have different opinions about spending, financial compatibility typically indicates that they’re on the same page when it comes to understanding each other’s financial priorities and goals. 

Financial conflict in relationships

Financial conflicts in relationships can lead to stress, hiding spending habits, mistrust, resentment, anger, and an overall sense of insecurity in the relationship. 

Money fights end relationships

Over time, financial conflict can lead to the relationship’s demise, with some studies finding that it’s one of the most common sources of disagreement and eventual divorce amongst married couples, although updated evidence may be needed. 

Causes of financial tension in your relationship

Some common root causes of financial conflict can be described as follows: 

• Financial inequality: One person in the relationship has more say about finances than the other. For example, if one person earns an income and the other does not, they may think they have more say in decisions than their partner. 
• Varied upbringings: An individual’s financial approach and values are often rooted in how they were raised to think about money. For example, some parents teach their children how to budget, whereas others may avoid discussions about money. In some cultures, it may be expected to send money to family members. The values and dialogue you have about money as a child usually influence how you think about money later in life. 
• Gender norms: It may be the traditional responsibility of a man to be a “breadwinner” for his family. However, this dynamic may lead to financial power imbalances or rigid expectations that encourage financial inequality, insecurity, and conflict.  
• One-sided decision-making: Commonly, one partner will assume the role of financial manager for the couple while the other partner removes themselves from financial decisions. This dynamic can be harmful because it typically puts all financial responsibilities on a single partner and can lead to building pressure and resentment. 
• Financial infidelity: Financial infidelity usually refers to a lack of transparency with money. For example, someone may hide their money, debt, credit score, income, or large spending decisions from their partner. This type of issue may indicate serious financial incompatibility, or at least that a therapist and/or financial planner should be consulted. 
• Differing attitudes toward money: While one partner may be frugal and prioritize long-term savings, the other partner may prefer to spend the money they make on activities for enjoyment. These differences may be even more difficult to navigate if the partners have different financial values. For example, the first partner may believe that money will enable the couple greater security and stability, whereas the second partner may believe that money breeds self-centeredness and is a barrier to a happy life. 
• Controlling behavior: In some instances, money is used by one partner to gain control and power in the relationship. If a partner is withholding access to their partner’s assets, concealing information, or controlling their ability to acquire money (such as preventing them from working), it may be indicative of financial abuse. 

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Discussing money with financial tension in your relationship

Money can be a taboo topic that’s often nerve-wracking to discuss with your partner. Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist, emphasizes the importance of normalizing money talks, saying, “I think the more we just invite these more mundane conversations about money into our lives, the more we just find that communication flows.”

Tips for starting money talks with your partner

If you’re finding it challenging to start talking about money with your partner, consider some of the following advice.

Reflect on yourself

Often, partners can benefit from first identifying their individual financial situation and their plan for their financial future. Ask yourself questions like the following:

• What do I envision for my retirement?
• Do I have a monthly budget?
• What are my values around money?
• How was I taught about money in my upbringing?

To help you answer these questions, it may be helpful to look at your recent bank account statements and evaluate your spending and savings choices. 

By figuring out your individual goals first, it’s often easier to come together, understand each other’s perspective, and decide what your goals should be as a couple. 

Make it a routine conversation 

Wendy Wright, a financial and marriage therapist, recommends having multiple money conversations with your partner, addressing one or two financial topics at a time in shorter conversations (no longer than 45 minutes). 

Maybe one talk will center on your financial and retirement goals, and the next conversation can cover budgeting and spending habits, for example. This strategy can relieve pressure or discomfort and build trust while strengthening your financial intimacy. 

Grow your financial intimacy as your relationship develops

Early in the relationship, you might want to ask questions like, “Are you comfortable being open about our finances?” or “How would you like to split bills when we go on dates?” 

As your relationship progresses, you might ask more personal questions, like if your partner has student loan or credit card debt, how much money they make, how you should handle money together, what their financial goals are, or whether a joint bank account makes sense for your relationship. 

Prioritize healthy communication strategies

To reduce the chance that financial conversations deteriorate into arguments, you can try using these communication strategies: 

• Prioritize using non-judgmental “I” language
• Take a time out when needed
• Work to understand your partner’s priorities, values, and beliefs.

You can also work with a financial therapist or advisor to help you and your partner along the way. 

Discuss and routinely reevaluate budgeting 

Maybe you and your partner started splitting finances at a time when you were making similar incomes. However, if one partner gets a promotion and starts making significantly more than the other, do you still want to split the bills 50-50? 

Many couples decide that they will each dedicate a percentage of their income (rather than a specific dollar amount) toward expenses and joint savings, which can address this issue equitably. Any couple with joint expenses should consider having discussions about their budget and how each partner will contribute. 

Set financial goals together

Do you and your partner have investment goals? Do you want to save for a new house, car, your wedding, your child’s education, or a vacation? Do you or your partner have debt? Are there financial milestones that can make sure you’re heading in the right direction? 

Discussing your priorities and setting goals together for how you will get there can ensure that both partners are on the same page and contribute accordingly.

Be transparent

Missteps sometimes happen. If a partner has mishandled money, taken on excess debt, or encountered other money issues, it can be important to be transparent. Together, partners may need to decide if they will take on financial debts together and how they will handle the situation going forward. If the benefits of the debt were equally shared, such as if the couple bought a car or a home together, then both partners would likely want to take equal responsibility for it. 

Agree on what to share and what doesn’t need to be shared

Many couples decide to put a certain amount of money away each month into a joint account and split expenses. Beyond that, couples may decide that their own money is theirs to spend as they wish. You can still value financial transparency while having boundaries with your personal finances. 

Getting outside help 

If you believe you and your partner may need objective, professional support, there are a few avenues to consider.

Financial advisor

Financial advisors typically help their clients manage investment portfolios. If you and your partner are deciding how to invest for retirement, it may be a good idea to consult with an advisor. 

Financial planner

A financial planner is generally a type of financial advisor who helps clients with a broad range of financial matters, including setting long-term goals, budgeting, investing, saving, and planning for retirement. These professionals may specialize in areas like taxes, investment, or retirement, and their license type can vary widely. 

Before hiring a financial planner or advisor, it’s usually a good idea to assess their credentials and area of expertise.

Financial therapist

Money and emotions tend to be closely connected. Financial therapists are typically professionals with both financial expertise and a background in therapy, and they can help clients cope with financial stressors and mental health challenges that commonly overlap with money issues, such as bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and alcohol use disorder. 

Cognitive behavioral therapist 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be a good option if you want to explore your relationship with money and how that affects your financial decisions. Cognitive behavioral therapists can challenge your assumptions and reframe them, leading to a more positive outlook and healthier financial decisions. Additionally, financial stressors often correspond with poor mental health, anxiety, and depression, which can often be addressed with CBT. 

Benefits of online therapy

Many people prefer online CBT sessions, which are available on platforms like BetterHelp, to in-person sessions because of the added convenience and flexibility. With online therapy, you can attend sessions from the location of your choice at a time that fits into your existing schedule, and you can choose between video conference, phone call, and online chat for each appointment.

Effectiveness of online therapy

A 2022 study on addressing financial difficulties linked to poor mental health found that online CBT may effectively improve mental health and perceived financial well-being, as well as reduce the relationship between financial hardship and poor mental health.