Recognizing Manipulation: How to Spot Gaslighting in Relationships

Do you find yourself second-guessing your memories, apologizing for things you don't think you did, or walking on eggshells around someone in your life? If so, you might be experiencing gaslighting, a form of manipulation that can leave you feeling confused, isolated, and unsure of yourself.

Having disagreements in relationships is normal, but gaslighting goes beyond healthy conflict. It's a calculated attempt to warp your perception of reality, making you doubt your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Recognizing gaslighting is the first step towards reclaiming your power and rebuilding healthier relationships. Below, we’ll explore the key signs of gaslighting, how to cope with its effects, and practical strategies to protect yourself and move forward.

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Recognizing the red flags of gaslighting

Healthy relationships are generally built on trust, honesty, and transparency. Gaslighting, on the other hand, is rooted in deception and manipulation. It's a subtle but insidious tactic that can erode your self-confidence and chip away at your sense of reality. 

Here are a few red flags of gaslighting to watch out for:

• Denying and distorting. The gaslighter might outright deny things they said or did, leaving you questioning your own memory. They might also twist events to make you seem like you’re unreasonable or overreacting.
• Lying. Gaslighters can be masters of manipulation and will lie or deny things they said or did, leaving you feeling confused and doubting yourself.
• Minimizing or trivializing. Your feelings and concerns are brushed aside as "silly" or "overdramatic," making you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing.
• Shifting blame. Gaslighters shift blame or deflect responsibility for their actions, skillfully turning the tables and making you feel like the one at fault.
• Isolating you. People who gaslight may also discourage you from spending time with supportive friends and family, eroding your support system and making you more reliant on them.
• Gaslighting in public. A gaslighter might subtly manipulate situations in front of others, making you appear unreliable or unstable and undermining your credibility.

Gaslighting behavior can range from subtle to overt. Still, the underlying intention is always the same: to gain power and control over another person.

The potential impact of gaslighting

The trauma associated with gaslighting can have lasting effects on the survivor's mental health and overall well-being. It has the potential to leave deep emotional wounds that can affect your sense of self and your ability to trust yourself or others. You might feel frequently confused, guilty, and full of self-doubt, and your self-esteem could suffer. You may also feel lonely and isolated, especially if they cut you off from your support system. 

Chronic exposure to stress, which is common in gaslighting relationships, can have a detrimental effect on your mental and physical health as well. Studies suggest that the stress of emotional abuse can cause brain alterations, particularly in areas that regulate self-awareness and emotional regulation. As a result, you may lose touch with your emotions, needs, and desires and/or have trouble managing your feelings. That said, healing is possible. Let’s take a look at ways to protect yourself from gaslighting behavior and build healthier relationships.

Tips for protecting yourself if you’re experiencing gaslighting

Here are some strategies that could help you regain control and protect yourself from gaslighting if you notice this dynamic in any of your relationships:

Set boundaries

Communicating your limits and expectations calmly and assertively can help the other person understand what you will and will not put up with.

Document gaslighting behavior

Keeping a record of specific instances, including dates, events, and witnesses, can help validate your experiences and hold the gaslighter accountable.

Trust your gut

If something feels off, it probably is. Don't ignore your intuition, especially if it contradicts the gaslighter's version of events.

Seek outside perspectives

Talking to trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help you gain an objective viewpoint and validate your experiences.

Also note that if you find yourself in a relationship that’s causing you harm, it’s okay to leave in order to prioritize your well-being. All people deserve healthy and nurturing interpersonal connections.

Building skills for healthy relationships may help you protect yourself in future connections, too. Setting clear expectations, trusting your own judgment, engaging in clear and assertive communication, and prioritizing self-care can all be helpful in all types of relationships.

How therapy can help

Meeting with a trained therapist can be beneficial if you’re experiencing gaslighting behavior from a partner, friend, family member, or colleague, and it can help you heal from such behaviors as well. They can provide you with a safe space to express your emotions and build confidence in your own perceptions. They can also support you in sharpening skills and techniques that may help you protect yourself in future relationships, such as assertive communication and boundary-setting. 

The prospect of finding a therapist to meet with in your area and booking your first appointment can seem overwhelming. In cases like these, online therapy can be a more approachable and convenient option. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist accordingly. You can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing. Research suggests that online therapy and in-person therapy can offer similar benefits in many cases.