How Adult Children Transition To Changing Dynamics With Aging Parents
As of 2022, it’s reported that more than half of US adults act as caregivers to someone over age 65—usually their own parent(s). As the aging population grows, more people may find themselves caring for a parent or at least playing a role in their care. It can seem daunting to figure out how to manage your parents’ well-being as they get older, but there are some strategies you can use to make this period of life easier for you and them.
Understanding the key needs of aging parents
Anticipating the evolving needs of your aging parent(s) is often an important first step. The needs of older adults can typically be broken down into four key categories.
Healthcare management
As people get older, certain physical health concerns may become more significant priorities, such as mobility, metabolic health, bone health, and nutrition. Supporting the health of an aging parent may involve things like helping with meal preparation, encouraging regular physical exercise, managing doctor’s appointments and medications, and taking steps to prevent falls and injuries.
Mental health support
Aging can pose challenges for mental health as well, ranging from memory issues to loneliness to illnesses like depression and anxiety. To help prevent these, it can be important for aging adults to focus on self-care, such as personal hygiene, journaling, and mindfulness. Maintaining strong social relationships with friends and loved ones can also support mental health, as can engaging in enjoyable hobbies and learning effective ways to manage stress.
Financial planning
Ensuring your parents have their finances in order is another common component of caring for them as they age. You might help them budget for retirement, review wills and beneficiaries, and manage healthcare and government benefits like social security.
Daily living assistance from children
Part of aging is usually adapting to various changes in terms of a person’s daily routines and how well they’re able to care for their basic needs. Helping your parent with daily living assistance could look like arranging or providing transportation, ensuring a safe living environment, helping with bathing, cooking, and/or cleaning, and setting up daily and/or weekly schedules to ensure their needs are met.
Caring for aging parents: Practical strategies
Adjusting to the new and emerging needs of your aging parent(s) can seem daunting. As you navigate the challenges of this phase of life, the following tips may be helpful.
Communicate openly as part of the changing dynamics with aging parents
While this might not be an easy conversation, being proactive can help ensure a smooth transition and prevent problems down the line.
Conversations about aging can be hard, but ignoring the topic may cause more issues. Encourage your parents to share their concerns openly and honestly. Practice active listening, and don’t hesitate to voice your own worries respectfully and empathetically as well.
Decide on family living arrangements
It can be helpful to decide early on what kind of living arrangement you and your parents will have as they age. Will they move in with you? Will you come to visit them? If not, what tasks will you help with? The more details you iron out in advance, the easier the transition may be. Keeping an open dialogue as their needs evolve can be paramount as well.
Encourage your aging parent to take up healthy habits
Keeping up with healthy habits can help your parent (s) maintain a good quality of life and avoid certain health problems, which can benefit you as well. For example, helping them sign up for social activities and events can ensure they stay mentally active and avoid loneliness and isolation. You might also support them in cultivating a healthy exercise routine, like taking walks together or helping them join a gym.
Transition their living space
Whether your parents are living alone or with you, it can be worth making some modifications to their living space to prevent falls and other accidents. For example, you might consider installing railings, keeping walkways clear, and putting items in places that are easy to reach. Anti-slip mats, night lights, and regular health checkups may also help prevent falls.
Consider outside services
While some people may be unable to bring in outside help, it can be worth exploring if you can afford it. This doesn’t have to mean hiring a live-in caretaker, either; even arranging weekly housekeeping or grocery deliveries may help reduce stress for both you and your parents.
Be proactive
It can be valuable to stay on top of legal documents and related logistics as your parents age. Consider having a conversation with them about creating a will, assigning power of attorney, and documenting their wishes for end-of-life care, which may help prevent complications and additional stress later.
Create a routine
If your parent (s) won’t be living with you, deciding which days and times you’ll come over to help them can give your relationship and their life more structure. If they do move in with you, try to find a routine that lets them have autonomy. Designing a consistent weekly schedule to this end can benefit everyone’s well-being.
Take care of your own mental health
According to the American Psychological Association, caregivers are at a higher risk of certain mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. Whether or not your parents are living with you, it can be important to look after yourself by practicing self-care and seeking help if you need it.
Therapy can be a valuable resource for managing the stress of caregiving and the mixed emotions that may come with it. However, if you’re juggling the responsibilities of caring for a family member and keeping up with other parts of your life at the same time, it can be hard to make time to see a therapist in person. Online therapy can be a more convenient alternative in cases like these. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can virtually attend sessions with a licensed therapist without leaving the house.
Studies indicate that online therapy can be an effective treatment for mental health concerns that are common among caregivers. For example, consider a 2020 review on the topic of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The findings suggest that this type of online therapy may effectively reduce symptoms of depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and more.
Takeaway
How to manage the changing dynamics with aging parents?
A common theme in the dynamics that occur with aging parents relates to role reversal, which can be a challenging but navigable process. One way to deal with the process of changing needs and fostering a sense of mutual respect is to have open and honest communication with your mom and dad about matters that affect them, such as money concerns, living arrangements, health issues, driving, and other considerations. To communicate effectively, it's helpful to broach sensitive topics respectfully, including them in the decision-making process as much as possible. In some cases, a neutral third party — such as doctors and trusted advisors, such as a financial advisor — may also facilitate discussions.
How do you stay sane while caring for an elderly parent?
Safeguarding your mental health and well-being can come in the form of ongoing self-care and possibly seeking help from a therapist or doctor if you feel you need it. Joining a support group for caretakers of an older parent can also provide emotional support, allowing you to share experiences with others who are navigating similar challenges.
How to initiate difficult conversations with your aging parents?
It can be challenging to talk to parents about a matter that may affect their sense of independence or autonomy. Ideally, it's helpful to begin these discussions when you're not in a crisis situation, so they have time to calmly reflect on their priorities, concerns, and wishes. Doing your research prior to bringing up a certain topic, such as in-home care or senior living community in your area, is also helpful.
However, while it's beneficial to have open and honest communication with your parents, casually mentioning possibilities, such as home care or residents of a certain community for seniors enjoying the place they are in, can make the talk less threatening. In some cases, it may be helpful to have an outside party, such as a doctor, present to facilitate the discussion. Some organizations, such as Aging with Dignity Five Wishes website can also help seniors make decisions that align with their values.
What are the effects of aging parents on adult children?
Findings suggest that the complex role of caregiving for aging parents can be challenging but also rewarding. The same findings found that adult children's well-being is also associated with the quality of the care they can provide for their parents. Another study indicates that one's view of what it means to successfully age can be significantly influenced by how they view their parent's aging process.
What should you not say to elderly parents?
Considering a parent's present abilities as well as challenges may be a helpful place to start. For example, if your parents are grappling with short-term memory loss, it might be best to avoid saying, "Don't you remember?" Other phrases to avoid include:
- "I know. You already told me."
- "When you're gone, can I have...?"
- "Wake up! You're nodding off again."
- "Try harder."
- "You can't manage independent living."
- "You shouldn't drive."
While you may be expressing genuine concern or frustration, it's helpful to be mindful of an aging parent's self-esteem and sense of self-worth, which are often tied to a sense of autonomy. Rephrasing certain sentences may be helpful. For example, instead of saying, "You shouldn't drive," you may say, "What are some options for getting around safely?" You may then suggest a possibility, such as you or your spouse driving them to medical appointments.
Is it normal to get frustrated with elderly parents?
Caring for aging parents can be quite challenging, and it's common to feel a range of emotions when navigating these challenges. For example, behavioral changes that often accompany the progression of certain conditions, such as Alzheimer's disease, can be stressful without adequate caregiver support and self-care.
Why is taking care of an aging parent so stressful?
Often, the care needs of an aging parent change, requiring new adaptations and hands-on assistance. Moreover, balancing the needs and concerns of parents with one's own needs can be challenging.
How can you be more patient with aging parents?
Self-care, support networks, and therapy are some ways that you may cultivate inner resources to address ongoing challenges. For example, some strategies that can help lower stress and increase resiliency include:
- Spending time in nature
- Practicing mindfulness
- Doing deep breathing exercises
- Exercising
- Joining a support group
- Seeing friends
Why has my elderly mother's personality changed?
Behavior and personality changes may be caused by experiencing discomfort or pain, be a side effect of certain medications, or other health-related concerns. Personality changes can also be a sign of dementia.
Do people get meaner as they get older?
As some people get older, they can experience a range of physical and/or mental health symptoms, which can often lead to a sense of vulnerability. When associated with dementia, personality changes expressed as rude or inappropriate behavior may be related to cognitive decline, which can be exacerbated by experiencing discomfort, frustration, or pain. Certain personality traits, such as conscientiousness, may also increase or decrease over time.
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