3 Important Fear Of Intimacy Signs

While intimacy may not be an obstacle in every relationship, a lack of intimacy can be one of the most significant causes of divorce. Watching for fear of intimacy signs can be important, as noticing this fear early may make it easier to overcome. However, to understand why these signs occur, it may be helpful to first understand what this fear is and what attachment styles may lead to its development. 

What is a fear of intimacy?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), intimacy is a state of emotional and physical closeness that involves a significant element of safety. This state can be characterized by familiarity, affection, and love and often pertains to personal relationships, such as romantic partnerships or marriages. For some individuals, this state may cause discomfort, which can manifest as a fear of intimacy.

A fear of intimacy can cause individuals to avoid becoming close to others. This may affect emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual intimacy. This could cause a person to frequently change partners or have superficial relationships and may lead to persistent feelings of loneliness. A fear of intimacy may relate to specific ways that individuals interact and bond, known as attachment styles.

What are attachment styles?

The term “attachment style” originates from attachment theory, which was developed by J. Bowlby and M.S. Ainsworth. Their theory proposes that there are four primary attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, disorganized attachment, and avoidant attachment. Understanding each of these styles could make it easier to understand challenges with attachment and how they can affect intimacy. 

What is a secure attachment style?

A secure attachment style is often thought of as a key element of healthy human relationships. This style of attachment typically involves mutual respect, clear boundaries, strong communication, and a sense of safety. Individuals in a secure relationship could develop an intimate bond that may satisfy their emotional and physical needs. 

What is an anxious attachment style?

An anxious attachment style is often characterized by a discomfort with distance or boundaries. 

Individuals with an anxious attachment style could experience difficulties in adult relationships for a variety of reasons. For example, an anxious attachment style could lead a person to overstep boundaries or fail to enforce their own. This type of attachment could also manifest as a sense of neediness, which could cause a partner to appear clingy or overbearing. 

What is a disorganized attachment style?

A disorganized attachment style may cause distress in partners as, in many cases, it can be difficult to understand. Those with a disorganized attachment style may desire a relationship but also struggle to maintain consistent behavior with their partners. This may involve a push-pull dynamic where one partner may show affection or want to get close, and a disorganized partner could respond with anger or detachment. 

What is an avoidant attachment style?

Those with an avoidant attachment style can feel uncomfortable in an intimate relationship, which may manifest as emotional unavailability. This can mean they are unable or unwilling to form an emotional bond with others, which could lead to shallow relationships. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style could be seen as unreliable or quick to leave relationships, particularly if they sense that they are becoming serious. This fear of intimacy may be influenced by a variety of underlying causes. 

What causes a fear of intimacy?

While there could be a variety of reasons that someone may develop a fear of intimacy, three common reasons may include traumatic experiences, previous romantic relationships, and certain mental health conditions. 

Traumatic experiences

Individuals who experience trauma may be more likely to develop a fear of emotional or sexual intimacy. Traumatic experiences could include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, and in many cases, they occur during childhood. Childhood trauma could cause an individual to avoid getting close to others due to a fear that similar events could happen. 

Previous romantic relationships

Those who have had difficult or abusive relationships or complicated past events may be wary of establishing intimacy. While this does not always happen and many individuals are able to process and move on from previous relationships, a fear of intimacy could still develop. Negative past or present events can also lead individuals to experience difficulty with trust, which can make it challenging to form future intimate relationships. 

Mental health conditions

Several mental health conditions may cause a fear of intimacy. The following are just a few:

• Anxiety: Anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety disorder, could make it difficult for a person to be intimate. Anxiety could cause an individual to believe they will be rejected if they attempt to be intimate, so they may avoid trying to be intimate entirely. 
• Depression: Major depressive disorder and other types of depression could affect a person’s self-esteem or self-image, which may lead to a fear of intimacy. Depression can also result in isolation, which can make intimacy far more difficult. 
• Avoidant personality disorder: Avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) can cause someone to develop a significant sensitivity to criticism. This can make intimate situations worrisome, as people with this disorder may believe they will be criticized or rejected. 

While not everyone who experiences these or other mental health conditions fears intimacy, it could be beneficial to watch for the signs of a fear of intimacy, whether that be in yourself or in someone you care about. 

3 signs that someone may fear intimacy in romantic relationships

Sign #1: Fear of abandonment

Individuals with a fear of intimacy may display other fears, such as a fear of abandonment. This fear can cause someone to be overwhelmed by the thought of others leaving. To avoid abandonment, they may engage in behaviors such as people-pleasing, committing to someone early in a relationship, or avoiding intimacy entirely. 

Sign #2: Difficulty expressing emotions

Those with a fear of intimacy may experience difficulty talking about their feelings or showing their true self. This can cause relationship challenges, as these individuals may not be able to communicate their needs or discuss sensitive topics. Over time, this could put strain on a relationship, which may result in a breakup or divorce. 

Sign #3: Frequent unstable relationships

Intimacy fears can lead someone to frequently break up with partners or sabotage relationships before they become intimate. While in a relationship, those with a fear of intimacy may engage in behaviors that could create an unstable environment. These behaviors could include keeping conversations superficial, avoiding situations that may increase intimacy, and frequently rescheduling or canceling plans. 

How to cope with intimacy fears and fear of abandonment

How to cope with intimacy fears may depend on whether it’s you or your partner who is experiencing the fear. If you believe your partner has a fear of intimacy, it could be helpful to open a dialogue and communicate with them. However, communicating about sensitive topics like intimacy can be difficult, so it's often best to help your partner feel as comfortable as possible. This can involve finding a time to talk when they are free from other engagements and holding the discussion in an area where they feel comfortable. It may be important to avoid judgment or anything that could be perceived as an insult. 

Therapy for a fear of intimacy and mental health concerns

Therapy can also be a powerful tool to address and cope with fears of intimacy or intimacy avoidance. There may be several types of therapy that could help individuals or couples with intimacy fears, although these can vary depending on what type of intimacy is being addressed. These therapeutic approaches may include, but aren’t limited to, couples therapy, sex therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). 

Online therapy for intimacy fears

While attending these types of therapy in person can be beneficial, it may not always be possible. Some couples could find it difficult to align their schedules for in-office therapy appointments. Others may prefer to attend sessions from the comfort of their own home or through different communication formats, such as live chat, phone calls, or video chats. In these situations, online therapy could be a better option. 

Research indicates that online and in-person therapy can be equally effective. In a 2022 study, researchers compared data from multiple trials involving these therapeutic formats. They found no significant differences between in-person and online therapy, with results showing similar outcomes in symptom severity, client satisfaction, and overall improvement.