5 Signs Of Fear Of Intimacy In A Woman

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), intimacy can be defined as an “interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness” that may include entering another party’s personal space without causing discomfort. However, some individuals may not be comfortable with this level of closeness, and they may even fear it. While a fear of intimacy can affect individuals of any gender, it may manifest in unique ways in women (or those who identify as women). General signs of a fear of intimacy can include changing partners frequently, avoiding intimate situations, and having trouble expressing your true thoughts and feelings. If you fear intimacy, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist to address it and move forward.

What are the different types of intimacy in romantic relationships? 

While each couple is different, there are generally three primary types of intimacy: physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and mental intimacy.

Physical intimacy

Physical intimacy can be separated into two distinct subtypes: sexual intimacy and non-sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy typically refers to any physical intimacy associated with sexual acts, such as kissing, foreplay, and sexual intercourse. Non-sexual intimacy, on the other hand, often includes hugging, holding hands, and sitting in close proximity. 

Emotional intimacy 

In romantic relationships, emotional intimacy often refers to a sense of trust and vulnerability shared between individuals in a couple. Partners in an emotionally intimate relationship are usually comfortable openly and honestly discussing their thoughts and emotions. 

Mental intimacy

Mental intimacy can encompass a variety of intimacy subtypes, such as intellectual intimacy and creative intimacy. Mentally intimate couples may share similar senses of humor, engage in deep discussions, and freely discuss their hopes and dreams. 

These intimacy types can be important for a variety of reasons, with some research suggesting that an intimate relationship can improve health and enable people to experience more positive emotions. However, it may be difficult to attain these benefits if a person has a fear of intimacy.

What is a fear of intimacy, and what causes it? 

A fear of intimacy or avoidance of intimacy typically manifests in a tendency to keep others at a distance, whether that be physically or emotionally. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, superficial relationships, and interpersonal conflicts. 

Individuals with a fear of intimacy may show discomfort when sensitive topics arise, or they may even lie to avoid revealing information that could make them feel vulnerable. There may be several reasons that a person could develop a fear of intimacy, including certain parenting styles, personality disorders, and situations involving abuse. 

Experiencing certain parenting styles

Research suggests that certain parenting styles can affect whether a person develops a fear of intimacy. Researchers found a negative correlation between parental care and fear of intimacy. This study also showed that parental overprotection was usually positively correlated with a fear of intimacy, attachment avoidance, and attachment anxiety. 

Living with a personality disorder 

Certain mental illnesses, such as avoidant personality disorder (AVPD), may also contribute to a fear of intimacy. AVPD can involve a sense of inadequacy, significant sensitivity to rejection, and social anxiety. Despite these experiences, those with AVPD may consistently desire and work toward companionship.

Experiencing abuse 

Individuals who experience emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse during childhood may struggle with a fear of intimacy later in life. This may be due to a conscious or subconscious worry that trusting another person (as one often does with a parent) could lead to further abuse. Survivors of childhood abuse could also struggle to be vulnerable in non-romantic relationships, such as those with friends, co-workers, and teachers. 

Those who have not experienced these underlying causes can still develop a fear of intimacy. These fears may develop in individuals of any gender, including women and those who identify as women.

Signs of intimacy fears in women 

While women may display specific signs when they experience a fear of intimacy, in many cases, these signs are the same regardless of gender. Fear of intimacy signs may be separated into two primary categories: those related to the length of a relationship and those related to behavior within relationships. 

Fear of intimacy signs: Length of relationship

One of the main elements of relationships that can be affected by intimacy fears may be its duration. Two signs for which to look may include the following:

• Changing partners frequently: Those with a fear of intimacy can still be capable of finding new partners and sustaining the initial stages of a relationship. However, once the relationship starts to become intimate, these individuals may distance themselves from their partners. In some cases, a sense of intimacy could lead these individuals to start talking to new potential partners, thereby starting the cycle again.
• Ending relationships early: Individuals with a fear of intimacy may be overly critical of new partners and could find reasons to end relationships that have recently started. While breakups may occur for legitimate reasons, sometimes, they may be due to discomfort with developing a deeper bond. In some cases, a person may not realize that their fear of intimacy is leading them to look for reasons to terminate the relationship, which could make the experience more confusing.

Fear of intimacy signs: Behavior in relationships

Intimacy fears can also impact how a person behaves in a relationship or in situations that may involve intimacy. 

• Avoiding intimate situations: Fear of intimacy may lead someone to avoid situations that could be considered intimate or may build intimacy. This may include having deep conversations, going on romantic dates, or spending excessive time alone with someone else. A fear of intimacy may also lead someone to avoid intimate acts like hugging, holding hands, or engaging in sexual activity. 
• Only maintaining superficial relationships: To avoid intimacy, some may choose to maintain only superficial relationships. Superficial relationships may be defined by limited intimacy, such as connections solely based on sexual contact. These types of relationships may also be based on convenience, or they may be explicitly temporary, such as a “friends with benefits” situation. 
• Difficulty being themselves or discussing their needs: A person who fears intimacy may not be comfortable showing their partner their true personality. In some cases, they could attempt to mirror their partner or act in a way they think would make them seem like the “ideal partner.” This behavior may be rooted in low self-esteem or a poor self-image. Intimacy fear could also make it difficult to talk about serious topics with a partner, such as their wants and needs. This could lead to a partner being unable to fulfill their needs, which may function as an excuse to terminate the relationship.

How to overcome a fear of being intimate

If you notice that you are displaying signs of a fear of intimacy, it can be helpful to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. Several types of therapy may help a person overcome a fear of intimacy, such as those discussed below

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): A CBT provider could help those with a fear of intimacy identify patterns of thought or behavior that could be contributing to their struggles with intimacy. Once these patterns are identified, CBT could provide ways to restructure them, which may allow individuals to overcome intimacy struggles. 
• Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT): While DBT was designed to address borderline personality disorder, it can also help those experiencing a fear of intimacy. For example, DBT can teach individuals how to set boundaries, express their needs, and communicate more effectively. 
• Couples therapy: For those who are currently in a relationship, couples therapy could be an effective way to address intimacy-related fears. Couples may express their concerns, learn conflict resolution techniques, and find ways to strengthen their bond.
• Intimacy therapy: Intimacy therapy is a specific therapeutic approach that can address challenges with sexual intimacy. This approach may allow partners to determine whether any underlying factors could be affecting how they connect physically. These underlying causes can vary but may include struggles with communication, medication side effects, and mental health conditions. 

While many of these therapeutic approaches can be delivered in person, they may not always be accessible or convenient. Some individuals or couples experiencing intimacy challenges might live in a healthcare professional shortage area (HSPA), which could increase the difficulty associated with finding a provider. Others may lack reliable transportation or the time needed to travel to a therapist's office. In these situations, it may be necessary to explore other options, such as online therapy. 

Research suggests that online couples therapy can be an effective alternative to face-to-face therapy. In a 2021 study, couples were randomly selected to receive therapy delivered either through video conferencing or in person. Researchers found that not only was online therapy successful at providing favorable therapy outcomes and participant satisfaction, but it also appeared to be equally effective as in-person therapy.