Long-Term Romance: Husband-Wife Physical Intimacy In Marriage
Physical intimacy can play a vital role in nurturing the bond between spouses and long-term romantic partners. However, many couples don’t realize that keeping this spark alive often requires as much effort as other aspects of maintaining a long-term connection. If they’re not regularly reinforced, romance and sex can fall by the wayside, potentially leading to concerns like detachment, insecurity, and resentment. This article will explore how spouses can strengthen their physical intimacy — and how doing so can keep their marriage healthy.
For many couples, improving intimacy starts with opening up about their emotions, needs, and desires. You can also experiment with strategies like budgeting time for romance and sex, exploring different types of physical touch, and finding shared activities that rekindle your sense of discovery as a couple. Being patient and compassionate with each other throughout this process can greatly reduce the chances of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. A licensed couples therapist can help you navigate intimacy challenges healthily.
Why physical intimacy matters in marriage
While different couples may place differing levels of importance on physical and sexual intimacy, most romantic partners find this connection crucial for sustaining healthy relationships. Some cultures have long described getting married as becoming “one flesh.” A spouse is usually the person with whom you have the most opportunity for physical closeness and affection, which studies suggest can be a crucial component of mental health.
Research on marriage and relationships has found evidence that a satisfying sex life can be a strong predictor of overall marital satisfaction. Although it’s far from the only factor that matters, maintaining this intimate interpersonal connection may be important for ensuring that your romance continues to thrive.
The importance of physical closeness may not be limited to sexual activity. Some findings indicate that affectionate but non-sexual touching like hugging, kissing, handholding, and cuddling can also bolster relationship quality. For example, a 2018 experiment found that affectionate touch before and after relationship conflict typically reduced stress and improved relational well-being, potentially protecting relationship health against the impact of arguments.
Common problems with intimacy in marriage
Despite its potential significance for the health of your romantic connection, physical intimacy often declines over time in marriage and other committed long-term relationships. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including those discussed below.
Fading of “new relationship energy”
The early months and years of a relationship are often marked by an intense, passionate craving, but this state (delete – ‘feeling’) tends to naturally fade over time. This can lead some married couples to believe “the spark has died.”
Mismatched libidos
Individuals can vary considerably in the strength of their sex drives. If one partner’s baseline level of sexual desire is much stronger, you may have a harder time finding the level of intimacy that satisfies you both.
Different habits and preferences
You and your partner may also have different views, expectations, or assumptions about what level of physical connectedness is ideal. This can relate to your upbringing. For example, if your parents rarely touched and flirted openly, it may not seem as natural to display certain kinds of physical intimacy in your own marriage.
Health issues
Chronic medical conditions like cardiovascular disease and diabetes can contribute to difficulties with both sexual desire and physical arousal.
Mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety, can have similar effects. Discomfort and lack of desire can also be side effects of various medications, such as antidepressants, antipsychotics, blood pressure medications, prostate medications, and more.
Daily pressures
Married life often comes with many responsibilities, commitments, and tasks that can leave less time for sexual intimacy with your partner. The stresses of everyday life can also contribute to mental and physical fatigue, which may limit your energy and motivation for physical engagement.
Relationship dissatisfaction
A diminished sex life can be an effect of marital strife as well as a cause. If one or both of you are unhappy about other aspects of your relationship, the loss of emotional intimacy could spill over into the bedroom.
Do husbands and wives have unique difficulties with intimacy?
Much of the research on the link between physical intimacy and relationship harmony has been conducted in heterosexual married couples. This doesn’t necessarily mean that LGBTQIA+ couples are exempt from difficulties with passion and sex — many experience challenges like sexual desire discrepancy.
However, certain problematic patterns may be more common with opposite-sex pairings. For example, women may experience a significant drop in libido following childbirth, potentially making mismatches in desire more likely for heterosexual couples who’ve recently had children.
There’s also evidence that rigid gender roles can interfere with intimacy in heterosexual marriages. A 2022 study found that women were usually more likely to report low sexual desire when they were performing a disproportionate portion of the work in maintaining the shared household. This may result from gendered assumptions about masculine versus feminine duties in the home that put one partner’s interests ahead of the others.
Strengthening physical intimacy in marriage
How can you avoid letting physical intimacy in your relationship lapse — or restore it when it’s faded? While different couples may benefit from different approaches, the following strategies are often helpful.
Talk openly about sex
Problems with physical intimacy in couples often stem from a lack of communication. One or both partners may have desires, preferences, fantasies, or emotions about touch and sexuality that they’re afraid or ashamed to share.
Keep the romance alive
Getting caught up in the routines of daily life can leave you sensing that you’re more like roommates than romantic partners. Maintaining intimacy may be easier when you continue to make the effort to spark passion in your spouse. This can involve things like the following:
- Having a regular date night
- Showing affection through gestures like hugs, kisses, and caresses
- Leaving love notes or poems
- Giving small gifts and tokens of appreciation
- Praising your spouse’s appearance and personal qualities
- Having deep one-on-one conversations
Participating in new, challenging, and exciting activities together may be particularly effective. Although updated evidence may be beneficial, one study on people who sustained passionate love through decades of marriage found that trying novel things as a couple helped them continue to grow as people while staying closely linked.
Discuss your feelings
True intimacy usually involves both the sexual and non-sexual aspects of your relationship. Sometimes, difficulties in your sex life can be symptoms of other problems between the two of you. It can be hard to connect physically when one spouse believes they are neglected, underappreciated, or misunderstood. Sharing what you’re feeling with your spouse can improve your emotional intimacy, which may have positive effects on your physical connection.
Engage in free-form intimate exploration
Quality may matter more than quantity in the bedroom. A 2016 paper reported that sexual satisfaction and positive interpersonal behaviors typically had a greater impact on marital satisfaction than the frequency of sex.
With that in mind, it may be helpful to experiment with your spouse to discover what you both enjoy in bed, without the expectation that it will lead to sex every time. Without the pressure to end every intimate encounter with intercourse, it may be easier to experiment. This can help you discover what turns you both on and how your partner’s body responds to different activities. You may also want to take some time to explore your own bodies in the same way.
Take care of your health
Problems with physical wellness can impact both sexual desire and sexual function. Seeing a doctor can help you determine whether the drop-off in your physical intimacy could be related to a treatable health condition, such as a cardiovascular issue or a hormonal imbalance. Self-care activities like exercising regularly, eating nutrient-rich foods, and getting plenty of sleep could also improve your libido.
Prioritize intimate time
Many couples experience a dwindling of their physical connection in part because they don’t regularly spend time maintaining it. The demands of everyday life often take priority, leaving little room for cuddling, intimate conversations, and sexual activity. Correcting this may require building alone time into your schedule.
Although this idea may sound awkward to some couples, there’s evidence that it can be effective. Having sex regularly can increase your comfort, desire, and pleasure, potentially improving sexual satisfaction for both spouses. It can also be beneficial to set aside time for non-sexual forms of physical intimacy.
Seek counseling from a professional
If you’ve tried some of the steps above but are still experiencing significant intimacy problems, you may want to get help from a mental health expert. A professional couples counselor may help you overcome persistent difficulties in your relationship, while an individual therapist may assist with personal challenges, such as depression or trauma, that might be impairing your intimate life.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Many couples prefer online counseling over in-person treatment. Internet-based therapy can offer greater flexibility in choosing a provider and scheduling appointments, which can be helpful when you’re trying to find something that fits into both spouses’ calendars.
Emerging research suggests that receiving counseling online can be an effective way to address many relationship roadblocks. A 2019 study found that the majority of couples who tried this approach found online counseling helpful and rated the experience as positive. Many said that the online setting increased their comfort with the therapeutic process.
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