How Close Are You And Your Partner? Signs Of Intimacy In A Relationship
How do you know if you’re genuinely close with your romantic partner? Even if you feel generally happy and satisfied with your relationship, you may find yourself wondering whether your level of intimacy could be improved. Knowing how to recognize the indicators of interpersonal closeness may dispel this uncertainty — or help you determine whether you need to work on developing a more intimate relationship.
Intimacy can take a variety of forms, but almost all of them involve a sense of trust and comfort. When you’re intimate with another person, you may experience a sense of safety when letting them know what you really think and feel, without worrying that they’ll dismiss, ridicule, or abandon you. This article will discuss some of the ways this type of security and closeness can manifest in a successful relationship. If you’re having trouble cultivating intimacy with your partner, a couples therapist can offer professional guidance.
What does intimacy mean?
Defining intimacy can be tricky because it can mean different things to different people and in different contexts. In general, though, intimacy refers to a sense of closeness, familiarity, and trust with another person. Our most intimate relationships are typically the ones in which we sense we are safest revealing ourselves, including the things about ourselves that induce a sense of vulnerability.
People can experience many kinds of intimacy in a relationship, but what they all have in common is usually a sense of comfort and trust. When intimacy is high, you and your partner may experience a sense of security regarding your connection. This can give you the confidence to do things that might seem awkward or risky with strangers, such as touching their faces or talking to them about a painful incident from your past.
Below, discover examples of different forms of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy generally refers to how feelings are shared between partners — not just your ability to discuss your emotions honestly, but how your emotional lives are intertwined. When you’re emotionally intimate with someone, their happiness often makes you happy, and their distress often causes you distress as well.
Physical intimacy
This generally refers to the interpersonal comfort that allows for affectionate forms of touch, such as hugging, kissing, snuggling, or laying your head in the other person’s lap. Interactions of this kind can reinforce intimate relationships by nurturing your emotional bond. For many couples, sexual intimacy can be a particularly powerful form of physical intimacy that bolsters affection while allowing both partners to be vulnerable with each other.
Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy can be considered a specific type of emotional intimacy in which partners can share spiritual beliefs, questions, and experiences without fear of ridicule or dismissal. Some psychological research suggests this type of intimacy can promote a sense of shared meaning, enhancing a couple’s relationship satisfaction and mental health.
Intellectual intimacy
When two partners are open to learning from each other and discussing the ideas that matter most to them, it can indicate that they’re intellectually intimate. Having this form of intimacy can mean that you regard each other as intellectual partners as well as emotional and physical companions.
Experiential intimacy
Experiential intimacy typically refers to the sense of closeness that emerges from a shared history and day-to-day life. Couples with high levels of experiential intimacy often have a deep familiarity with each other due to the many experiences they’ve shared, including social encounters, romantic activities, leisure time, and challenges they’ve tackled as a team.
The benefits of intimacy in a relationship
A sense of intimacy can play a significant role in supporting relationship satisfaction. For many people, achieving greater closeness with another person may be a major reason for pursuing romance in the first place.
Some psychological theories suggest that emotional intimacy is one of three core components of romantic love, along with passion and commitment. The presence of intimacy can be what separates a loving couple from a dysfunctional relationship in which there’s sexual chemistry but no real respect and trust.
Intimacy with another person may be a significant factor in the ability of romantic connections to improve psychological well-being. Being able to share your life with another person can bolster your happiness, resilience, and sense of meaning.
Signs of intimacy in a relationship
If intimacy is so important, how can you tell whether you have it? While your own feelings may ultimately be the best guide to your level of closeness, the following indicators may confirm whether you’re in an intimate and loving partnership.
You can always tell them what you’re feeling
Remember that if you’re hoping to cultivate greater closeness with your partner, you may need to practice compassion when they talk to you about feelings like these. Research suggests that responding to vulnerable sharing with empathy can create intimacy, while dismissive or defensive reactions may weaken it.
You know things about them no one else does (and vice versa)
Most of us have at least a few feelings, experiences, beliefs, or desires that we seldom share with others. These aren’t necessarily deep, dark secrets — they can simply be things about which we’re insecure or embarrassed, or deeply meaningful things we’re not sure others would understand. When your partner shares something like this with you, or you do the same with them, it can be a sign that your relationship has developed deeper intimacy.
Your sex life is satisfying
Sexual intimacy isn’t just sex — it typically refers to mutually pleasurable, respectful, and communicative sex in which both partners sense they are cared for and valued. Research suggests that open and honest sexual communication may enhance various aspects of your sex life, from desire and arousal to physical performance and orgasm quality.
There may be several reasons for the connection between emotional and physical intimacy. For instance, the ability to talk openly about your desires and preferences tends to make it easier for your partner to fulfill them. Perhaps more importantly, being comfortable with the other person and secure in their affection for you can allow you to let go of tension, shame, and inhibitions, potentially allowing for a more satisfying experience.
You can make each other laugh
Understanding another person’s sense of humor and knowing how to make them laugh can be a telling sign that you’ve grown close. Laughter can be a deeply personal and idiosyncratic response. If your partner often seems to know just how to get a laugh from you — especially when you’re feeling down — it may hint at your developing intimacy.
You have a natural physical connection
Frequently expressing nonsexual intimacy through touch can be another way to demonstrate comfort and closeness with your partner. If your partner frequently displays signs of physical affection, such as holding your hand, wrapping their arms around you, or snuggling up to you on the couch, it can indicate that they feel natural and at ease in your presence. Most people aren’t comfortable letting others into their personal space unless they like and trust them.
You can understand them without words
Couples who have achieved long-lasting intimacy often develop a kind of unspoken language. When you spend lots of time around another person and share your thoughts and emotions honestly, you can often gauge their responses and feelings based on just their facial expressions, gestures, and posture. If you find that you can look at your partner and guess what they’re thinking based on nothing more than the way they tilt their head, there’s a good chance your relationship intimacy is strong.
You turn to each other before anyone else
When human beings face losses, disappointments, or unexpected challenges, our first instinct is often to seek support from others. To whom do you reach out in these moments of difficulty? If you and your partner usually seek each other’s help and support before reaching out to anyone else, it can be an indication of trust and intimacy.
The same can be true for joys and successes. Expressing enthusiasm and happiness when a partner shares good news can have a significant positive effect on relationship closeness.
Seeking counseling for intimacy issues
What if your interactions with your partner don’t sound much like the healthy, intimate relationships we described above? In that case, it may be time to give some thought to working on your interpersonal connection with support from a professional counselor.
Research suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy and other forms of psychological counseling can improve intimacy in committed couples. A licensed therapist can offer insights into the psychology of love and sex, teach effective communication skills, provide a safe space for honest revelations, and suggest techniques for solving relationship problems.
Types of counseling
Choosing the appropriate form of counseling may improve your outcomes when working on intimacy.
- A relationship counselor or licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) may be particularly effective at helping you improve your communication skills and work through issues in your relationship
- A sex therapist may be appropriate if the challenges you’re facing are specific to the bedroom. For example, they may help with concerns like persistent low libido, lack of pleasure in sex, or difficulties communicating your wants and needs.
- A psychologist or licensed professional counselor (LPC) can provide individual therapy, which may help if one partner is living with mental health challenges, such as trauma or depression, that are interfering with intimacy.
If you’re not sure you’ll be able to incorporate regular counseling into your everyday lives, you may want to try engaging in therapy online. Internet therapy platforms often allow for greater convenience and flexibility, making it easier to work around busy schedules so you can make time to work on your relationship.
Internet-based relationship counseling is a relatively new approach, but evidence suggests that it can be effective. One study from 2020 found that most couples who received counseling online found the process helpful and positive. Many even said that the internet-based approach made it easier for them to form a strong connection with their therapists.
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