How To Fix A Lack Of Intimacy In A Relationship

Connection, communication, commitment, and intimacy are often listed as some of the most essential aspects of romance. A lack of intimacy can cause significant challenges in a romantic partnership. To avoid these challenges or find potential solutions, consider learning more about the different types of intimacy and how you might cultivate them in your connections. 

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What are the different types of intimacy? 

While each couple is different, research indicates that 29% of husbands and 31% of wives reported having intimacy conflicts in the home. While some may associate the word “intimacy” with sex, there are various intimacy types that can exist in a relationship. In addition to physical intimacy, these types may include emotional, experiential, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy. 

Physical intimacy 

In romantic relationships, physical intimacy typically refers to the way that partners interact through touch and bodily proximity. Couples with a high level of physical intimacy may frequently hug, kiss, make eye contact, cuddle, and hold one another to express affection. Other types of physical intimacy may relate to sexual intimacy activities, such as foreplay and sexual intercourse. 

Several situations could result in a couple lacking physical intimacy, where physical touch is infrequent or even non-existent. For some, the relationship is new, and one or both partners are not comfortable being physically intimate. As the couple gets to know each other, this connection could change. In other cases, couples may no longer be interested in each other physically, which could result in disinterest (or even disgust) in physical contact. 

Emotional intimacy 

Emotional intimacy is often associated with how comfortable a couple is discussing their feelings openly and honestly. In relationships with high emotional intimacy, partners may express their emotions frequently and without fear of how their significant other could respond. These types of couples are often confident that they can approach their partner with any challenges and receive appropriate support. 

In couples that lack emotional intimacy, there could be a sense of apprehension when serious topics arise. In some cases, a person may believe their partner doesn’t truly listen or care when they are speaking or that they are judging them when sensitive information is shared. A partner in a low emotional intimacy relationship can also be confused about the status of their relationship and whether their partner is interested in building a future with them. 

Experiential intimacy 

Spiritual intimacy 

Spiritual intimacy typically refers to the connection individuals can share regarding their spiritual or religious beliefs. Couples with a high level of spiritual intimacy may share the same religious beliefs or make an effort to remain open to their partner's beliefs. Spiritual intimacy can also involve attending religious events or sharing different aspects of one’s religion with one's significant other. 

Couples that lack spiritual intimacy may be judgmental of one another’s religion or disinterested in learning more. Partners who are not spiritually intimate may also struggle to understand specific aspects of their significant other’s religion, including rituals, holidays, or certain restrictions. 

Intellectual intimacy 

Intellectual intimacy often refers to how couples connect on an intellectual level. Couples with a significant amount of intellectual intimacy may share hobbies or interests, discuss complex topics, and seek valuable feedback from their partner. Partners lacking intellectual intimacy could struggle to find common ground when having discussions or find it challenging to select activities they enjoy. In some cases, a person may believe their partner doesn’t understand them or isn’t capable of grasping specific subjects. This difference could create an imbalance, leaving one partner confused and the other unsatisfied. 

While each type of intimacy can be substantial, they all contribute to an intimate relationship. An intimate relationship could have a positive influence on both partners’ lives and provide a number of other benefits. 

What are the benefits of intimacy?

Research indicates that intimacy may have various benefits for individuals in relationships. In a 2023 explorative analysis, researchers conducted two surveys to determine what people find beneficial in long-term intimate relationships. In their first survey, participants identified 82 perceived benefits, while their second study classified these benefits into factors and domains, including the following. 

Support

Participants reported that intimate partners could provide psychological support in difficult times. Some reported that their partner was someone they could count on, share their feelings with, and be inspired by, while others said their partner was protective and accepted who they were. 

Sexual satisfaction and safety

Participants said that their significant other met their sexual needs while also allowing them to engage in safe sex, offering a sense of physical reassurance and emotional closeness. Safe sex may occur when both partners build emotional connection and physical safety, as well as a lower chance of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. 

Social acceptance

Participants found they perceived more social acceptance from a partner and expanded their social circle due to their relationship. They also experienced the absence of previously perceived pressure to have a relationship, whether from friends, parents, or society as a whole. 

Company and care

Those with an intimate partner believed they had someone to keep them company and do activities with. They were able to find a person to talk to, go on trips with, and discover new hobbies and interests with. Participants also indicated that a relationship allowed them to give and receive care. This exchange could let them know they were cared for and give them a sense of belonging and satisfaction. 

Positive emotions 

Participants reported feeling several positive emotions resulting from their relationship, such as warmth, joy, fulfillment, and optimism. These individuals also said they experienced happy moments with their partner, less anxiety and stress, and perceived more self-confidence. 

Love and passion

Those surveyed said that having someone to hug, affection, and moments of tenderness were benefits of their intimate relationship. Participants also said having a deeper connection and someone to share their desires and dreams with benefited their well-being. 

Stability and sharing expenses

Participants said that their intimate relationships provided them with a sense of stability. This report may be due in part to partners' ability to share expenses, which gave participants economic support and the ability to eat better. To get these and other potential benefits, individuals may address (and potentially repair) the level of intimacy in their relationships.

Causes of a lack of intimacy 

The first step to fixing struggles with intimacy is often to identify the root cause. There may be various reasons behind intimacy challenges, such as the following. 

Communication difficulties

Communication can be an essential aspect of a functioning romantic relationship. If partners cannot discuss the challenges of their relationship, they may increase in severity as time goes on. A lack of communication can also make it difficult to be emotionally intimate, as a couple may struggle to share their feelings openly. 

Major life changes

Some people may find it challenging to be intimate after a major life change, such as the loss of a loved one, having a child, or losing a job. These situations can increase a person’s stress level, which often raises the cortisol level in the body. Stress can have a number of adverse effects, including causing a person to be frustrated, irritable, or struggle with libido. 

Mental illness

Experiencing a mental illness, such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), can have a significant impact on intimacy in a relationship. The symptoms of these conditions and other mental health issues can make it difficult for a person to express their thoughts and feelings while also potentially causing negative feelings, low self-esteem, or poor self-image. 

Treating mental health and intimacy challenges 

A variety of therapeutic approaches could help address these underlying causes or improve intimacy directly. Research suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy and couples therapy can be effective options for treating mental health conditions and intimacy challenges. 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

Individual CBT could allow each partner to discuss any intimacy issues or mental health challenges, such as emotional distance, difficulty being physically intimate, or struggles with intimate conversations. A CBT provider could identify potentially harmful patterns of thought or behavior exacerbating these challenges. Once identified, CBT techniques may be implemented to restructure these patterns and relationship issues and help couples become more emotionally intimate.  

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Couples therapy

Various forms of couples therapy, such as solutions-focused couples therapy, cognitive behavioral couples therapy, and attachment-based couples therapy, could assist couples in addressing intimacy-related challenges. Techniques from these approaches could help couples improve communication skills, satisfy each other’s love languages, and address relationship obstacles in a safe environment. 

While couples therapy and CBT may traditionally be thought of as in-person solutions, some people may not be able to access face-to-face services. For example, some couples are in a long-distance relationship, which could make attending an in-person session impossible. Others may not be comfortable discussing sensitive topics in person. In these situations, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be an effective alternative.

Online therapy platforms allow couples to meet from two separate locations if necessary, and they can choose between phone, video, or live chat sessions. In addition, research suggests that online therapy can be an effective way to connect couples and therapists, with one study showing success in two significant areas of investigation: therapy outcomes and satisfaction. Researchers also found that therapy delivered through videoconferencing was as effective as face-to-face therapy.