How To Improve Non-Sexual Intimacy In Your Relationship

While sexual intimacy is often a central focus in romantic relationships, sex is not the only aspect that contributes to a healthy relationship. Non-sexual intimacy can also play a role, contributing significantly to the overall happiness of a romantic partnership. Whether you already have strong sexual intimacy, are in an asexual relationship, or believe certain parts of your relationship would benefit from work, improving non-sexual intimacy is often possible. However, before exploring how to improve it, you might explore more about the definition of non-sexual intimacy. 

Work through challenges with non-sexual intimacy

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What is non-sexual intimacy? 

Non-sexual intimacy refers to any intimacy that doesn’t include sexual acts, such as emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and non-sexual physical intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy often takes the form of strong communication, where partners are comfortable talking about their thoughts and feelings without censorship. This intimacy can help a couple develop a sense of trust and deepen the bond they share. Emotional connection might involve asking how your partner feels regularly, listening closely when they speak, and being comfortable with vulnerability. 

Intellectual intimacy

Intellectual intimacy can come from partners learning more about each other, sharing personality, and exploring each other’s intellect. This type of intimacy could also be built by displaying one’s skills and abilities to a partner, which may increase mutual respect and appreciation. Couples could also benefit from trying new activities together, which could create new opportunities to connect intellectually. 

Spiritual intimacy

Spiritually intimate couples may be open with one another about their religious beliefs. In addition, spiritual intimacy often means that partners won’t judge the other for their religion or spirituality. For example, respecting religious rituals, observing religious holidays, and meeting spiritual needs can be forms of this type of intimacy. Couples could also deepen spiritual intimacy by participating in one another's religion, including attending church services, a place of worship, or religious events. 

Physical intimacy

Individuals in some relationships may have noticed that they struggle in some areas. Couples can take time to address whether one or both partners believe relationship challenges could be addressed. Once agreement is formed, improving non-sexual forms of intimacy may be possible. 

Ways to improve non-sexual intimacy

How a couple builds non-sexual intimacy can depend on which specific type they are struggling with, the circumstances of their relationship, and personal preferences. Examples might include improving communication skills, learning love languages, and starting couples therapy. 

Improving communication skills

Those with emotional or intellectual intimacy trouble may benefit from improving their communication skills. Recognizing the signs of poor communication can be a first step. For instance, passive aggression and a refusal to talk can indicate that a communication breakdown has occurred. During discussions, if one partner consistently interrupts the other or talks over them, that may also signal communication difficulties. To work through these challenges, consider the following techniques: 

• Ensure all communication is clear so the central message can be understood
• Don’t be afraid to discuss your thoughts and feelings honestly
• Talk about situations as they happen and let your partner know how specific events affect you
• Actively listen when your partner is talking and ensure they know they are being heard and understood by repeating what they say back to them and validating their concerns 
• Pay attention to your tone during discussions
• Praise your partner and let them know how much they mean to you

The non-verbal aspects of communication can also be observed to improve communication. Components of body language, such as facing the other person while talking, maintaining appropriate and comfortable eye contact, and keeping an open, relaxed posture, can indicate respect. The environment you talk in can also play a role. Both partners can give their full, undivided attention by ensuring conversations happen in areas free from distractions, such as cell phones, televisions, or computers. 

Learn your partner’s love languages

Created by Gary Chapman, the 5 Love Languages may describe how individuals express love for one another. These languages include quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. 

Quality time

Some individuals know they are appreciated and loved when their partner spends quality time with them. Quality time can involve focusing on your partner and listening attentively to their wants and needs. During this process, ensure no distractions are nearby or pressing needs are attended to. In some cases, doing so could require planning ahead so no external situations interrupt this quality time. 

Words of affirmation

The term “words of affirmation” refers to phrases that show your partner you love and care for them. These phrases can be spoken or written, depending on what format a partner prefers. While the precise words of affirmation an individual uses can vary, examples may include listing why you love your partner, complimenting them, or praising a recent accomplishment. 

Acts of service

Acts of service can include tasks that help your partner or make their life easier. For example, cleaning the house, putting gas in their tank, taking pets to a veterinary appointment, or making lunch to take to work can show you care. The acts you choose can accomplish various goals, including fulfilling a need your partner has or taking care of a task they don’t like.

Receiving gifts

While giving and receiving gifts can be a misunderstood love language, gift-giving often isn’t about the gift’s monetary value. Instead, those with the gifts love language typically value the meaning behind the gift itself. A thoughtful gift can show your partner that you listen and pay attention to what they like while also serving as a physical reminder of your love. 

Physical touch

While those with the physical touch love language may value sexual intimacy, there are various ways this love language could be met. Research indicates that physical touch can release oxytocin, increasing relaxation and building trust. For this reason, some people may enjoy the comfort that touch offers and enjoy being close to their partner in this way.  

Identifying your loved language 

Identify each partner's preferred language when repairing intimacy struggles associated with love languages. You might start by honestly discussing your preferences or taking a love languages test together online. Once each partner understands each other’s love language, you can discuss ways to satisfy this language. For example, if one partner prefers acts of service, they may list specific chores they don’t enjoy doing. If the other partner likes to have quality time, they could schedule specific activities to do with their partner. 

Starting couples therapy

Therapeutic approaches, such as couples therapy, may also address the underlying causes of struggles with intimacy. Research indicates that 70% of couples that receive treatment experience a positive impact. Researchers also found a relationship between couple distress and specific mental health disorders, such as anxiety and depression, which can also be addressed in couples therapy.  

In some cases, in-person forms of couple therapy may not be convenient or accessible. Lining up each partner's schedule with that of a mental health professional could be difficult. For example, individuals could lack reliable transportation or prefer to attend therapy from the comfort of their own homes. Online therapy options through BetterHelp for individuals and Regain for couples may be more accessible. 

Through an online platform, couples can pay one rate instead of two separate charges, often at the same rate as individual therapy. In addition, they can access unique features like worksheets and goal tracking, which they can share with their therapist. 

Research indicates that online therapy can offer a similar level of effectiveness as in-person therapy. One systematic review compared 12 studies concerning both in-person and online therapy. Researchers found no significant differences in outcomes for those treated with either type of therapy. These results were found in various metrics, including: 

These results were seen at four separate points during trials, including immediately after the conclusion of treatment and during check-ins at three, six, and 12 months.