How To Improve Sexual Intimacy In Marriage

Many aspects of a long-term couple’s romantic life may fluctuate over time, including their passion and physical connection. Difficulties with sexual activity and satisfaction can be common among married couples or committed romantic partners, yet they can be extremely distressing for those affected. What can loving couples do to heighten physical intimacy in marriage?

Diminished passion and pleasure in a long-term relationship can have many causes, and the solutions may be equally varied. Healthy communication about your shared sexuality may help you identify and address specific pitfalls in your intimate relationship. Meanwhile, giving yourselves space to explore your physical connection without pressure or judgment can help you find approaches that work for both parties. This article will review a variety of strategies for understanding, improving, and deepening your sexual relationship within marriage, including working with a couples therapist for guidance.

The importance of sexual intimacy in marriage

Sex and sexuality are usually among the most significant factors separating romantic relationships from other kinds of tight-knit interpersonal bonds. Psychological research strongly suggests that a couple with a fulfilling sex life is more likely to be satisfied and emotionally intimate in their partnership.  

Sexual intimacy and the strength of the marital relationship may be linked in several ways. A 2017 study of more than 100 committed couples with children reported that sex tended to increase positive emotions, mutual affection, well-being, and life satisfaction, all of which can contribute to happiness in marriage or long-term partnership. 

Quality may matter more than quantity when it comes to sex in marriage. A 2016 investigation found that while the frequency of sex didn’t measurably affect relationship satisfaction, positive interpersonal behaviors and sexual satisfaction did. 

Not all couples need sex to bond

While the findings above may apply to most long-term romantic partners, there may be some exceptions. For example, some people may be asexual but still pursue and achieve satisfying romantic relationships. Other committed romantic couples may be unable to have sex due to factors like past trauma, chronic pain, or disability. 

With effective communication and mutual respect, you may be able to maintain a deeply satisfying romantic bond even without a sexual relationship. However, some amount of sexual intimacy may be essential for most couples. 

What can get in the way of sexual intimacy in marriage?

If you’re sensing that the spark has gone out of your marriage, you may be anxious to understand why. The following factors can be common causes of sexual difficulties.

Stress and fatigue

Persistent stress can lead to overactivation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis — the so-called “fight-or-flight” response. This tends to shift mental and physical activity toward basic survival and away from functions like sex. If you’re overwhelmed by the pressures of life, it may impair your sexual function and libido. 

Time pressures

Even if your responsibilities aren’t causing excessive stress, they may leave little time for sex. Between work, socializing, household chores, and caring for children (if applicable), many married couples have difficulty finding the time for satisfying sexual encounters.

Poor sexual compatibility

Sexual preferences and desires can be highly varied, and even people who’ve been in a relationship for a long time may have trouble understanding and fulfilling their partners’ desires, preferences, and needs.

Misconceptions or negative emotions about sex

While most married couples view sexual intimacy in marriage as important, they may still have unhealthy attitudes about sexuality due to factors like poor sex education, negative messaging from authority figures, or unrealistic depictions in pornography. This may hamper sexual pleasure and desire.

Relationship discord

Mental or physical illness

In some cases, difficulties with physical intimacy can arise from other health concerns. Some physical ailments like diabetes and heart disease can impair sexual arousal and function.

Psychological conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, may have a similar impact. 

Nurturing sexual intimacy in marriage

What can you and your spouse do to bolster your intimate connection? There may not be a one-size-fits-all answer, but many people in long-term partnerships find the following approaches effective.

Work on your communication

Difficulties in a couple’s sexual relationship can persist for years simply because one or both parties are unwilling to talk about what turns them on and gives them pleasure. In other cases, the problem may be a lack of listening. For instance, one individual may express dissatisfaction about something, and the other may misunderstand, dismiss, or contradict them. 

You may be able to improve your intimacy by having regular conversations about sex. It’s often more effective to do this outside of sexual activity. These discussions can easily lead to hurt feelings during the emotional periods immediately surrounding intimacy (or after one partner has initiated sex and been turned down).

Agreeing on some ground rules, such as those listed below, can also help:

• No judgment or shaming
• No defensiveness or personal attacks
• Both partners’ experiences, perceptions, and desires are valid
• Each partner gets time to express their thoughts
• No pushing for particular activities when one person has made it clear they’re not interested

With patience and empathy, this habit may make experiencing sexual desire and achieving sexual pleasure much easier. According to at least one psychological study, good sexual communication is usually linked to increased libido, easier physical arousal, better sexual performance, more orgasms, and greater satisfaction in bed. 

Budget time for intimacy

Many couples put every important activity in their relationship on the calendar — except for physical intimacy. Insisting that sexual activity should always be unplanned and spontaneous may guarantee that it always seems rushed or repeatedly gets skipped in favor of something more urgent. 

Instead, you may want to block out some time in your schedule for the two of you to be alone and intimate. Research suggests that making sexual activity planned and deliberate can help couples overcome sexual dissatisfaction.

These scheduled moments don’t always need to culminate in sex to be effective. In fact, taking the pressure off each other may make it easier for intimacy to grow naturally. You can use your “couple time” to explore affection and eroticism in many ways, including the following:

• Non-sexual snuggling, hugging, and kissing
• Feeling and caressing each other’s bodies
• Undressing each other and cuddling naked
• Discussing sexual fantasies
• Teasing, stroking, and other forms of foreplay
• Pleasurable activities other than intercourse
• Full sexual encounters

Use each other’s love languages

Expressing love, attraction, and affection in daily life may build up the intimacy needed for satisfying sex. This may be more effective if you learn and employ your partner’s “love language” — the specific kinds of behaviors that show them they are loved and cared for. Some people have a stronger response to compliments and affirmation, others may crave affectionate physical touch, and still others might appreciate helpful and caring actions that make their lives easier. 

You can use these methods to signal desire and attraction as well as love and tenderness, which may also improve your sex life by building up your partner’s self-confidence. 

For example, if your spouse lights up in response to compliments, you can praise their looks and smell. If they strongly appreciate thoughtful gifts, you can create a romantic display of flowers and candles in the bedroom. However, you may want to alternate this with expressions of platonic affection to ensure that your partner doesn’t sense that you’re pressuring them for sex. 

Offer pragmatic support

When one partner in a marriage experiences low libido, it’s often because they believe they’re shouldering a greater burden of the couple’s shared responsibilities. Research indicates that equal sharing of tasks like childcare, cleaning, and home upkeep can promote greater sexual intimacy and satisfaction.

If you’ve noticed that your romantic partner seems to have less interest in and enthusiasm for sex, you may benefit from asking whether they’re taking on more than their fair share of the household tasks. Even if the answer is no, they might be stressed due to things like overwork in their career or family difficulties. Stepping up and taking a few things off their plate might make it easier for them to experience sexual desire again. 

Seek counseling

Both couples counseling and individual therapy may help you overcome the obstacles limiting your sexual satisfaction. You might want to consider working with a mental health or relationship expert when trying to enhance intimacy in your marriage.

Scheduling difficulties can be a common barrier to counseling for couples, especially those whose problems in the bedroom are related to fatigue and stress. Online therapy can be helpful in these situations due to the greater freedom in scheduling it allows.

Research suggests that this approach may be highly effective for many couples experiencing relationship distress. For example, a 2022 trial reported that receiving cognitive behavioral therapy or mindfulness-based interventions online typically reduced symptoms of libido deficiency. In other studies, many couples have reported they are more comfortable and have more of a sense of control when talking with therapists online.