How To Manage A Lack Of Physical Intimacy In A Relationship

There are multiple types of intimacy, many of which may be important in a romantic relationship. Physical intimacy is one example. Many people equate physical intimacy to sex, but they are not the same thing. Sex is one type of physical intimacy, but there are other ways to connect with your partner in a physically intimate manner.

Committed romantic partners can find connection in many forms, but physical intimacy can be essential to this type of relationship—even if it doesn’t involve sex. Navigating a relationship that has lost physical intimacy can be difficult, but there are ways to overcome this challenge. Working with a therapist, either one-on-one or as a couple, is one way to work toward determining whether there are any underlying problems contributing to a lack of physical intimacy in your relationship and figuring out how to overcome them.

Is there a lack of intimacy in your relationship?

Get to the root of it in therapy

Physical vs. sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy is one type of physical intimacy, but it is not the only type. Physical intimacy can include any kind of physical contact or closeness, such as cuddling, kissing, hugging, or holding hands. Research suggests that physical touch in general can have many potential benefits for mood and health, and it may also strengthen the bond between individuals. Gentle touch releases the hormone oxytocin, which can boost trust and empathy and thereby increase closeness, cooperation, and understanding in a relationship. 

Sexual intimacy is one type of physical intimacy. People can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex; however, in the context of a committed romantic relationship where all partners feel and desire sexual contact, sexual intimacy may be a way to strengthen trust and build a deeper connection. 

Is physical or sexual intimacy necessary?

It's important to note that physical and/or sexual intimacy aren’t necessary in every romantic relationship. Some people may find more connection and comfort with other forms of intimacy. For example, those who identify as asexual may not feel sexual attraction to anyone, but they can still have intimacy with their partners in other ways. Or, long-distance partners may rarely be able to share physical intimacy and may build up a sense of closeness in other ways.

When a lack of physical intimacy is a problem

Ways to improve physical intimacy

Here are some other potential ways to increase physical and sexual intimacy in your relationship. 

Talk about what you like (and don’t like)

Sex is very personal and everyone has their own unique preferences. Talking to your partner openly about yours can help ensure that you understand one another’s expectations and needs. For example, you might ask your partner questions like: 

• Is there anything new you would like to try?
• Is there anything you would like to avoid?
• What do you enjoy that we have not done yet?
• Which activities are off the table?

If you have any concerns, talk about them openly. Be honest about things like, for example, the amount of foreplay you prefer, whether you mind being woken up during the night for sex, or if you don’t feel connected to your partner in other ways that may be affecting your sexual interest in them.

Sometimes, concerns that you might have about sex or other aspects of your relationship can be hard to identify or talk about. For example, if you have experienced sexual trauma in the past, it can be a challenging subject to address. If you need help understanding these aspects of yourself or your relationship or are unsure how to broach these topics with your partner, a therapist may be able to offer support.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Try new things together

Being willing to try new things sexually may help you overcome feelings of boredom in the bedroom. According to your comfort levels and boundaries, you might try being open to exploring things like dirty talk, massages, longer foreplay, new sexual positions, or sex toys with your partner.

Schedule time to be intimate

If you find that you and your partner are constantly busy or distracted and don’t have time or energy for sexual intimacy, scheduling time to be together can help. While scheduling sex may feel unromantic at first, it can be an effective way to prioritize this time with your partner and eliminate any distractions that can get in the way. The anticipation of having it to look forward to could also increase excitement and enjoyment for you both.

Other types of intimacy

Other types of intimacy may affect physical or sexual intimacy in a relationship, so focusing on improving other areas in your relationship may also help.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy occurs when people trust one another enough to be open and honest about their feelings without fear of judgment. Research suggests that emotional connection can affect sexual intimacy. Spending time together, encouraging conversation, and engaging in active listening can help you and your partner learn to be more present with one another to improve communication and the overall well-being of your relationship. If sexual intimacy is or used to be a component of your relationship, increasing emotional intimacy may make it likelier to appeal to you both.

Experiential intimacy

Some people may feel a strong connection to their partner through experiential intimacy. Experiential intimacy involves spending time together doing activities you enjoy. Sharing common interests or trying something new together can help you and your partner feel closer to one another and build trust.

Intellectual intimacy

This type of intimacy involves sharing opinions, ideas, and thoughts. To improve intellectual intimacy in your relationship, you might try reading a book with your partner and discussing your thoughts on what you’re reading, watching documentaries or listening to podcasts about a topic that interests you both, or going to a lecture, class, or museum exhibit about a subject you both want to learn more about.

Is there a lack of intimacy in your relationship?

Get to the root of it in therapy

Therapy may benefit your mental health and your relationship

For some people, sexual and physical intimacy are essential in a relationship, but it may not be the easiest thing to talk about with friends or family members if you are looking for advice or just need to get something off your chest. If you’re having trouble coping with a lack of physical intimacy with your partner, working with a therapist—either individually or as a couple—may help.

A lack of physical intimacy can occur for many reasons, including a history of sexual assault, mental health challenges, medication side effects, hormonal changes, low self-esteem, or others. Therapy can help you identify any underlying problems, figure out ways you might work through them to overcome any roadblocks in your relationship, and learn how to improve communication with your partner.

If you’re interested in talking to a mental health professional, online therapy can be a flexible, convenient option. With an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can meet with a licensed therapist from the comfort of home or anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Many people are matched with a therapist within 48 hours of signing up, and you can change to a new provider at any time for no charge until you find a therapist you feel comfortable working with. 

As part of a growing body of research on the topic, one study suggests that online couples therapy can be “effective in significantly improving both relationship and individual functioning.” The study also indicates that this approach to treatment can lead to improvements in relationship satisfaction and relationship confidence as well as improved individual symptoms of depression and anxiety.