How To Navigate A Marriage Without Intimacy
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People may equate intimacy with sex, especially in the context of a marriage, but intimacy can have various meanings. Married couples can find this closeness in many ways, but sex can be one part of how individuals connect with their partners.
Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce? For some, the answer may be yes. However, if you and your partner are in a low-sex marriage, you may be able to take steps to strengthen your relationship. Focusing on other types of intimacy may bring you closer and stimulate your sex life.
Sexual intimacy
If both partners are happy with the amount of sex in their relationship, then there may be no cause for concern. For example, people who identify as asexual may have little or no sexual attraction to anyone and prioritize other types of intimacy. However, for couples who once had a fulfilling sex life or if one partner desires sex and the other no longer does, losing this connection can lead to other relationship challenges.
Other types of intimacy in a marriage
Married women, men, and gender non-conforming individuals may improve a no-sex marriage by working on their connection. They might start by focusing on other types of intimacy, including the following types.
Physical intimacy
Physical intimacy may include kissing, hugging, holding hands, and cuddling. Research has found that touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that may boost trust and empathy and reduce anxiety and stress.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy often occurs when people trust each other to be vulnerable and honest, sharing their feelings without fear of judgment. When people have emotional intimacy, they may be comfortable opening up about their hopes and dreams and their past traumas, which can help their partners understand them on a deeper level.
Experiential intimacy
When people spend time together doing hobbies and activities they love, they may have increased experiential intimacy. This time together might be spent doing an activity both partners enjoy, like hiking, traveling, playing board games, or choosing to take on a new adventure together.
Intellectual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy involves sharing ideas, opinions, and thoughts. This form can be similar to emotional intimacy, but intellectual intimacy focuses on concepts, values, and interests instead of feelings.
Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy might be present when individuals are comfortable sharing their beliefs with their partner. This type of intimacy can focus on religion, mindfulness, connections to nature, and beliefs about one’s overall place in the world.
Reasons for low sexual desire
There are many reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including but not necessarily limited to the following:
- Physical health problems like hormone imbalances, high blood pressure, or erectile dysfunction
- Mental health conditions or challenges like depression, low self-esteem, or anxiety
- Childbirth recovery
- Periods of high stress
- A lack of communication
- A low sex drive or mismatched libidos
- Medication side effects
- Substance use
- A history of sexual abuse
A low sex drive can result from many challenges
A lack of interest in sex can stem from a range of different challenges and does not necessarily mean that one partner has lost interest in the other or is no longer committed to the relationship. If there is an underlying reason, identifying and addressing the challenge may increase sexual frequency for some people. If you’re struggling to address this challenge on your own, a therapist might be a helpful resource.
Intimacy is more than sexual activity
If you believe you are in a sex-starved marriage, you might consider how other types of intimacy can matter in a relationship, too. In some cases, improving different kinds of intimacy, like emotional intimacy or intellectual intimacy, may make you and your partner closer, which can be a first step toward improving your sex life.
How to improve intimacy
Everyone is different, and there is no right amount of sex in a marriage. Talking to your partner about your sex life can be a starting point to determine if you both believe there is a problem that needs to be addressed. If you and your partner agree that you would like to work to improve your sexual relationship, try scheduling time for sexual intercourse. While scheduling may seem extreme, doing so may give you an activity to look forward to and show your partner that you are committed to improving your physical relationship.
Building intimacy in other ways may also improve a sexless marriage. Little gestures like holding hands while you take a walk, cuddling while watching TV, or kissing each other good morning can build physical and emotional intimacy, making you more connected to your partner. If your partner does not want to have sex, do not pressure them, express anger, or attempt to guilt them into doing so. Consent is necessary for a healthy relationship; consent means an enthusiastic “yes” and can be withdrawn at any time during sex.
When to move on
Not all sexless marriages end in divorce. Couples who are satisfied with other types of intimacy can remain happy in a relationship without sexual intimacy. However, if your relationship is not meeting your sexual needs and your partner is unable to or does not want to work on challenges, you might choose to move on. Sexual incompatibility can be challenging to cope with, but it does not necessarily mean love isn’t present or that someone is trying to hurt the other person. Talking to a therapist can be one way to cope with disagreements or incompatibility.
Get professional support
Several factors could be at play if you are in a marriage without intimacy. Some couples may not consider sex an essential part of a marriage, but for those who do, overcoming a lack of this type of intimacy can be challenging. Whether you want help determining if you can live in a sexless marriage or learning how to improve intimacy, therapy may be beneficial.
Talking about sex in a traditional face-to-face therapy session can be difficult, but talking to an online therapist from the comfort of your home may help you become comfortable in opening up about intimacy issues in your relationship. When you sign up for online therapy with a platform like BetterHelp (or Regain for couples), you can meet with a mental health professional anywhere you have a reliable internet connection. Most people are matched with a therapist within 48 hours, and you can change providers at any time until you find a fit. In addition, research has found that online therapy can be an effective way to address symptoms of sexual dysfunction and improve sexual satisfaction in some clients.
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