How To Overcome A Fear Of Intimacy
Fear can be a significant obstacle for people who lack intimacy with their partners. Some people may fear that they will only get hurt if they open themselves up to others or believe they are undeserving of love in an intimate relationship. Intimacy is complex and can have different meanings for different people. If you’re experiencing a fear of intimacy, you can take steps to understand where this fear might be coming from and how to overcome barriers.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy can have different meanings for everyone. Some people may believe that intimacy only involves sexual intimacy. For others, intimacy can be a more emotional or spiritual connection. Below are five of the most common types of intimacy.
Physical intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a sense of safety with someone in which you can express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without fear of judgment. If you have emotional intimacy with someone, you may be comfortable discussing topics you may not share with everyone else, like your hopes, fears, and past traumas.
Experiential intimacy
Experiential intimacy is about spending time together exploring common interests. This form of intimacy can occur through a mutual love of an activity, like hiking, thrifting, or playing board games. In addition, this type may develop when people try a new activity together, like signing up for a cooking class, taking a trip to a new place, or going skydiving.
Intellectual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy involves sharing thoughts, ideas, opinions, and interests. Examples may include reading the same book or watching the same show so you can talk about it together later, sharing fascinating news stories, or discussing interesting research on a topic you’re both interested in.
Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy allows people to express their philosophical or religious views. People with this type of intimacy may share beliefs about a higher power, have similar ethics, or share similar ideas about the purpose of life.
Romantic intimacy
All types of intimacy can be part of intimate relationships, but physical and emotional intimacy may be considered the most essential to romance. People who struggle with these two types of intimacy may experience impacts on their romantic partnerships.
Understanding the difference between fear of intimacy and preferences
A fear of intimacy and a preference for low physical intimacy are different. Some people may be more connected to someone through deep conversations or sharing experiences together than they are through physical intimacy.
Distinguishing between a fear of intimacy and a preference for low physical intimacy may come down to how distressing the lack of intimacy is for you. If you are happy with your relationship, you might be someone who prefers less physical intimacy. If you believe you would like to be more physically intimate but experience difficulty in doing so due to emotional or thought barriers, you may have a fear of being intimate.
A person who fears intimacy may experience:
- A series of short-term personal relationships that end before they become “too serious”
- A sense that they must be “perfect” to be loved
- Difficulty communicating their needs in the relationship
- Sabotage of adult relationships to prevent someone from getting too close
- Avoidance of physical contact
Causes of a fear of intimacy
Any situation that makes it difficult to be vulnerable or trust someone else can contribute to a fear of intimacy in human relationships. Below are possible causes.
History of childhood trauma
Childhood trauma may be due to emotional, mental, physical, or sexual abuse. People who experienced childhood trauma may be scared of or uncomfortable with intimacy, even if they don’t remember the specific trauma. Fears that develop from past or present events can subconsciously affect people into adulthood.
History of sexual assault
Someone who has experienced a sexual assault may experience the traumatizing aftermath of the event and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Sexual assault can make someone feel scared and violated, and they may struggle to trust romantic partners or fear intimacy or sex.
Self-consciousness
People who have insecurities about themselves may have difficulties with physical or emotional intimacy. For example, if someone doesn’t like their body, they may not enjoy sex because they are so preoccupied with their thoughts about their own body. If someone lacks self-confidence, they may not believe another person could love and respect them enough to open themselves to emotional intimacy in close relationships.
Fear of intimacy and attachment theory
Fear of intimacy can be rooted in childhood relationships with caregivers. Research shows that attachment can affect the degree to which people are comfortable with intimacy in adult romantic relationships. People with avoidant attachment types may strive to maintain control, independence, and autonomy in their relationships because they believe that they don’t want or need to seek closeness to others. In turn, they may distance themselves from people they are involved with, which can manifest as being uncomfortable with intimacy.
How to address fears of intimacy
In some cases, people can manage their fears of intimacy by looking inward to understand the root of their fears and working to overcome them. For other people, working with a therapist to understand the causes of their fear of intimacy can help them learn how to move forward. Studies show attachment styles can change, so if your fear is due to an avoidant attachment style, you may be able to work toward more secure thoughts and behaviors.
A therapist can support you as you identify the reasons behind your fear of intimacy and learn coping skills and strategies to work past them. If you’re dealing with intimacy avoidance, anxiety, low self-esteem, past trauma, insecure attachment, or you’re not sure what is causing your fears, working with a therapist can help you get answers and work toward solutions.
Where to find support
If you’re interested in talking to a therapist but face barriers to finding a provider, you might benefit from online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. With an online platform, you can get one-on-one treatment from anywhere you have an internet connection at a time that works for you. Often, clients are matched with a mental health professional within 48 hours of signing up and can change providers at any time.
Research shows that online therapy is effective, too. A 2022 review of 20 studies found that the results of online treatment were comparable to in-person therapy, stating that “client outcomes in teletherapy do not differ from in-person versions of treatments.”
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