How To Talk To Your Partner About Lack Of Intimacy

If you’re wondering how to talk to your partner about a lack of intimacy in your relationship—particularly sexual intimacy—you're not alone. Many couples in long-term relationships experience challenges related to a decline in physical or sexual intimacy, which may sometimes impact their emotional connection as well. While communicating with a partner may be key to a healthy relationship, it's not always easy to openly talk about concerns around intimacy. To learn more about intimacy challenges commonly encountered by couples and ways to broach the topic of a lack of intimacy in your own relationship, read on. 

Types of intimacy issues couples may experience

Intimacy can refer to the physical, emotional, or sexual connection with a partner. While each of these can be interrelated, all contributing to a deep sense of closeness between partners, many couples experience challenges with one type of intimacy over another at different stages of their relationship—and in some cases, a lack of intimacy in one area also reflects in another. 

For example, partners in long-term relationships that had a sexual component earlier on may come to experience a lack of sexual passion or connection over time, which may sometimes lead one or both partners to feel a lack of emotional connection as well. 

When one partner feels dissatisfied with the level of intimacy in their relationship, they may feel less connected to their partner overall, which may cause challenges in the relationship. That’s why addressing any intimacy issues can be important for the ongoing health of the connection in general.

The importance of intimacy in a relationship

Studies also suggest that higher levels of emotional intimacy are associated with increasing sexual desire in long-term relationships, so cultivating emotional intimacy may also promote sexual intimacy between those couples who want to have a sexual component to their relationship. 

Potential causes of a lack of intimacy

Many couples experience challenges in maintaining physical and sexual intimacy. While individual preferences for this type of intimacy can vary widely, a lack of sexual intimacy—or lack of a type or frequency that doesn’t match one partner’s expectations—can sometimes make one or more partners feel neglected, lonely, or undesired.   

So what causes a lack of intimacy? The potential reasons are numerous and depend on the particulars of each individual and the couple as a unit. Some examples of potential causes of a lack of intimacy include:

• Personal challenges experienced by one partner
• Communication challenges
• An unresolved conflict between the partners
• An unaddressed or unresolved breach of trust
• Mismatched levels of sexual desire
• Reduced libido due to biological aging 
• Health-related challenges
• Habituation to sex
• Mental health concerns, such as low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety
• Difficulties expressing concerns and desires
• Difficulty managing stress and relaxing

The link between communication and intimacy

Many partners find it challenging to express their desire for more intimacy. However, open communication between partners is strongly linked with satisfaction in the relationship. In other words: Although it can be hard to broach the subject, it can be worthwhile. Constructive communication involves expressing concerns and responding to each other in a supportive way so that each person can feel heard and understood. 

How to broach intimacy issues with a partner

Speaking about a lack of sexual intimacy in one's relationship may make some people feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. It may feel awkward or even taboo to raise the subject, and some partners may also fear making the other feel bad or pressured. It can be especially daunting when couples haven't had these types of discussions before. 

When seeking to have a conversation about a lack of any type of intimacy—especially sexual intimacy—the following suggestions may help:

• Consider the timing. Choose a time when you're both relaxed and at ease and don’t have anywhere else to be for a while so your conversation doesn’t get cut short. In a moment of frustration, when either of you is feeling especially stressed, or right before bedtime, for example, might not be ideal times.
• Consider the location. For some people, it can be helpful to discuss intimacy in a secluded yet neutral environment, such as a nook in a park. Wherever you choose, just make sure it’s quiet, calm, and not distracting and is a place where you won’t have to worry about the self-consciousness of potentially being overheard.
• Express your concerns in a calm, respectful manner. One way to avoid putting your partner on the defensive is to employ the use of "When you do/don't do this, I feel..., because..." rather than criticizing or blaming. Try to avoid getting angry or heated or putting all the responsibility on your partner for this issue. Aim to stay calm and promote a productive, curious conversation where you can both be heard.
• Listen. Ask your partner to express their feelings and concerns honestly as well and try to listen closely to their views and feelings without interrupting or arguing.
• Be open to hearing and discussing other issues. A partner may have underlying issues that are affecting their desire for intimacy, such as experiencing side effects of medication, hormonal fluctuations, stress, self-esteem issues, financial difficulties, or mental health challenges. Your partner may also want to discuss other aspects of your relationship that may be affecting your connection, so it can help to be open to these.

Discussing intimacy with the help of a couples therapist

Even once a couple has opened the lines of communication to discuss challenges in their relationship, they may still seek professional help to further explore issues around intimacy.

Couples who want to work on their sexual connection in particular might benefit from sex therapy, a form of talk therapy focused on addressing emotional and psychological challenges that impact their sex life. A sex therapist can offer a safe, nonjudgmental environment in which to address challenges such as: 

• Mismatched libidos
• Self-esteem challenges
• Body image challenges
• The impact of religious values or religious trauma on sexuality
• Difficulty achieving orgasm
• Lower than usual sexual desire
• Sexual trauma
• Exploration of sexual desires

Therapy can also help address mental health concerns that may be interfering with one's ability to respond to their partner in a deeper, more connected way. Whether in-person or online, therapy can help couples navigate intimacy issues and concerns that might be affecting the quality of their relationship. 

That said, some people find it more comfortable to discuss intimacy from the comfort of their own home. If this is the case for you, a platform like BetterHelp for individual therapy or ReGain for couples therapy enables you to have sessions remotely via video or phone call from anywhere you have an internet connection.

A growing body of research indicates the usefulness of online therapy. One study, for example, evaluated the effectiveness of online couples therapy in addressing intimacy issues between partners compared to an in-person control group. By the end of the intervention, researchers noted that the change in intimacy levels per the New Sexual Satisfaction Scale (NSSS) experienced by the two groups was equivalent, including at six-month follow-up. They concluded that in-person or online therapy may be an "effective way of enhancing sexual intimacy."