Intimacy In Marriage: What To Do When Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there were 673,989 divorces in the United States in 2022. Struggles with intimacy may contribute to the reasons people decide to terminate their marriages. Intimacy can come in many forms, such as physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy, and strategies like improving conflict resolution skills, learning to be vulnerable, and discussing sexual needs can cultivate intimacy in your marriage. However, if you’re struggling to foster intimacy in your relationship, consider reaching out to a licensed couples therapist for guidance and support.
What is intimacy?
While intimacy may mean different things to those of varying cultural or social backgrounds, research suggests this concept may be defined by similarity, proximity, and a personal, emotional, or romantic connection that requires an understanding of the other person.
In a 2016 scientific review, researchers found that intimacy tended to be strongly associated with a variety of outcomes, including the following:
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A lack of intimacy in marriage may contribute to negative outcomes, such as higher stress levels, incompatibility, psychological maladaptation, depression, and the development of mental health disorders. Intimacy struggles can be one of the most significant challenges in a relationship and may serve as a predictor of divorce.
How to repair intimacy in marriage
While each marriage is unique and may require different methods, there are several potentially effective ways to improve intimacy in a relationship. These methods may depend on the type of intimacy with which a couple is struggling. Although there are a variety of intimacy types, two with which couples commonly struggle include emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.
- Emotional intimacy: Emotionally intimate partners often share their thoughts and feelings with their significant others. Marriages with an abundance of emotional intimacy often involve excellent communication, a shared sense of support, and satisfaction of each partner’s emotional wants and needs.
- Psychological intimacy: Psychological intimacy typically involves connecting on a variety of subjects, such as hopes for the future, dislikes, interests, fears, and information about one’s past. Couples who are psychologically intimate may engage in stimulating conversation, have healthy debates, and share a variety of interests.
- Sexual intimacy: Sexual intimate partners are often comfortable engaging in sexual acts and can be sexually satisfied by their significant others. Sexual intimacy can also involve openly discussing sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires with one’s partner. This may help partners build trust and experience a sense of safety when engaging in or discussing sex.
- Physical intimacy: Non-sexual physical intimacy typically involves all physical contact that does not directly relate to sexual acts. This may include hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and massages. Physically intimate partners usually feel at ease when making physical contact with their partners, which could lead to benefits like the release of oxytocin, stress reduction, and improved sleep.
It may help to start the process of repairing intimacy by allowing both partners to identify the areas in which they are struggling. Once intimacy challenges have been identified, it may be easier to find effective methods to improve them.
How to improve emotional intimacy in a marriage
Building emotional intimacy can be crucial for maintaining a deep and meaningful connection with your partner. Some techniques to create a stronger sense of emotional intimacy are discussed below.
Improve conflict resolution skills
It can be helpful for couples to learn how to resolve conflicts more effectively. This can involve learning to take responsibility for your actions, expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly, and trying to remain non-judgmental during arguments.
Increase self-awareness
Increasing your self-awareness can enable you to better understand your behavior and how it impacts your partner. There are a variety of ways to increase self-awareness, such as mindfulness exercises, journaling, and meditation.
Learn your partner’s emotional needs
Learning your partner’s emotional needs and finding ways to fulfill them can be essential for improving emotional intimacy. If these needs are met, your partner may be more likely to experience a sense of contentment and satisfaction with the relationship.
How to improve psychological intimacy in a marriage
Improving psychological intimacy can empower married partners to develop a deeper mental connection and engage in more satisfying and stimulating dialogues. Several methods that might help couples do so may include the following:
Improve problem-solving skills
How you overcome challenges in a marriage can impact the level of psychological intimacy between you and your partner. To improve problem-solving skills, it may be helpful to reframe the way challenges are considered. For example, instead of thinking of a problem as existing between you and your partner, you could think of the situation as you and your partner working as a team to solve the problem.
Learn to be vulnerable
By being vulnerable and sharing sensitive information with your partner, you may form a stronger psychological bond. Becoming more vulnerable can take time, but this often starts with being open and honest.
Try new things together
Some struggles with intimacy may be rooted in a lack of novelty or new experiences. You might try starting a new hobby together, researching an interesting topic, or attending an event of your partner’s choosing. In some cases, this may involve trying something that is only new for one partner, while other situations could mean trying something new for both.
How to improve sexual intimacy in a marriage
Sexual intimacy can be an important part of a healthy marriage, and by improving it, partners may become more satisfied and fulfilled. To improve this type of intimacy, it may be beneficial to try the following:
Discuss sexual needs
Having an honest discussion about your and your partner’s sexual needs could help you understand why there may be a struggle with intimacy. This often involves establishing what excites your partner, what their boundaries are, and how you can help them feel safe. Consent should also be discussed, as all sexual acts need to be consensual.
Make time for sexual intimacy
It can be difficult to find time to be intimate, particularly if you and your partner are parents. Sometimes, it may be necessary to intentionally make time for intimacy. Discuss your schedule with your partner and look for times during the week when you’re both available. In some cases, this may require you to find a babysitter or make other arrangements to ensure you have alone time.
Fix other struggles first
In some cases, other challenges in life or marriage could manifest as struggles with sexual intimacy. It may be helpful to talk about what else is happening before addressing sexual intimacy struggles directly.
How to improve physical intimacy in a marriage
While sexual intimacy can be a component of physical intimacy, there are other aspects that may need improvement as well. To improve non-sexual physical intimacy, it may be beneficial to try the methods below.
Discuss preferred forms of touch
In some cases, difficulties with physical intimacy may be a result of miscommunication. Having a conversation about preferred types of touch could make it easier to find the best way to express physical affection.
Express love and intimacy in small ways
Physical expressions of affection don’t always need to take a significant amount of time. Once you know the types of touch with which your partner is comfortable and enjoys, it may be beneficial to take a moment to show them your appreciation. These gestures can be small, such as a brief hand hold, a kiss on the forehead, or a touch on the shoulder.
Seeking help with intimacy in marriage
While it may be possible to improve the intimacy in a marriage without assistance, it can be difficult sometimes. In many cases, a mental health professional can provide valuable guidance for married couples. These professionals may practice a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as intimacy therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and couples therapy.
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