Intimacy Issues Meaning: How To Address Common Intimacy Challenges

Intimacy can have many meanings and is not confined to the boundaries of a romantic relationship. However, many forms of intimacy are often present in these connections, and because they can be intense, some couples experience intimacy challenges that cause conflict and distress. When intimacy issues arise, understanding their potential root causes may be helpful. Below, we’ll explore methods of coping with common intimacy challenges and ways to get help with intimacy.

What is intimacy?

The American Psychological Association (APA) says that intimacy “characterizes close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationships and requires the parties to have a detailed knowledge or deep understanding of each other.” Intimacy is consensual, and both people in the relationship experience the benefits of the connection. Intimacy can occur between family members, friends, and romantic or sexual partners. This type of connection is not limited to sex, although the term is often used to refer to sexual affection and love. 

The different types of intimacy 

Intimacy can take various forms, including but not necessarily limited to the following: 

• Emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy occurs when two people are comfortable being open about emotions, trusting each other, and being vulnerable. An example of emotional intimacy and emotional closeness is being a safe person for a partner to talk to about their past traumas. 
• Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy is often conflated with a sexual relationship, but they are different. Physical intimacy can include physical contact like hugging, cuddling, or kissing. Sexual intimacy is a type of physical intimacy that doesn’t need to be present for someone to experience a physical connection with another person. 
• Intellectual intimacy: Intellectual intimacy occurs when people have a significant connection and experience love or affection when discussing thoughts, learning from each other, and being able to converse about intellectually stimulating topics.  
• Conflict intimacy: Conflict intimacy occurs when a couple is proficient in solving and confronting conflict together instead of blaming or using unhealthy coping mechanisms. 
• Experiential intimacy: Experiential intimacy occurs when two people connect over their experiences. These experiences might include traveling, seeing new places, creating art together, or having quality time together. 
• Spiritual intimacy: Spiritual intimacy can occur in people who have similar spiritual or religious beliefs. 

Common intimacy issues causing fear of intimacy in intimate relationships 

Intimacy challenges can arise in various areas, especially because cultivating every type of intimacy in one relationship can be challenging. People in intimate relationships may struggle in one or a few areas and excel in others. Below are common intimacy challenges to look out for. 

Insecure attachment styles and a fear of intimacy 

Insecure attachment can be linked to mental health conditions like anxiety disorders, which can also impact an intimate relationship. Other mental health conditions, such as depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), can also cause intimacy avoidance, which may lead to behaviors similar to those seen in avoidant attachment. 

A lack of communication

Common intimacy problems often arise from communication challenges. A lack of communication can arise from different communication styles, a lack of knowledge about healthy communication, or frequent arguments caused by attachment problems or other incompatibilities. For example, a couple might commonly argue about not feeling loved. In this case, each partner might have different definitions of what “feeling loved” means and might not communicate what they need from their partner. Understanding love languages can be a start to improving communication in this situation. 

Mismatched sex drives and health challenges

A mismatched sex drive can lead some couples to break up or have frequent conflicts. In addition, mismatched interests or intensity during sex can also be challenging. For example, one partner might have the urge to have sex daily, while another might be comfortable not having sex for weeks or months. Some people don’t want to have sex at all or identify as asexual, a sexuality that includes a lack of sexual attraction (not necessarily a lack of sexual activity). 

Working through sexual differences might involve seeing a sex therapist. This process may lead to more open communication as well as physical and emotional closeness. 

Phasing out of the honeymoon stage

The “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is considered the part of the relationship where positive feelings are high, people feel “intoxicated” or obsessed with each other, and infatuation is rampant. In this stage, a relationship can be exciting, impulsive, and intense. As these feelings wear off over time, a couple might start to believe they no longer have intimacy. Reconnecting and considering couples therapy may be a way to work through this change. 

The mental health impacts of betrayal or lack of trust

Betrayal, such as cheating on a partner or lying to them, can cause a rift in a relationship and reduce the intimacy of the partnership. In addition, a lack of trust, whether due to betrayal or another concern, can cause partners to avoid communicating with each other or lack a sense of safety when in each other’s company. 

Lack of fairness and effort causing intimacy issues

Sometimes, one partner might take on most of the responsibilities in a relationship, such as childcare, chores, and financial planning. Being solely responsible for all duties can cause someone to become burned out and hold resentment against their partner, which can cause intimacy issues, meaning various challenges can arise. A lack of effort can cause someone not to want to have sexual intimacy with their partner. Fairly distributing tasks may be a way to increase intimacy. 

How to overcome intimacy challenges in a relationship and improve mental health 

If you are experiencing the above or other difficulties with intimacy, consider the following ways to overcome them and build a healthy relationship.  

Practice intimacy-building exercises for emotional and sexual intimacy

Intimacy-building exercises can help couples reconnect and learn more about each other in various ways. Below are some activities to try: 

• Make a “date jar” with date ideas and pull out an idea. Then, you can go on that date, regardless of what it is, which may increase spontaneity and experiential intimacy.
• Practice eye contact for one minute while holding hands.
• Schedule sexual activity.
• Learn about each other’s communication styles, love language, and attachment styles by taking online quizzes.
• Learn to communicate and label emotions by using an emotions chart.
• Create art together.
• Go on one or two dates a month.

Have a monthly check-in

Couples might not discuss the challenges in their relationship out of fear of conflict. Consider scheduling a monthly check-in where you both talk about your emotions, concerns, and thoughts about the relationship. During the check-in, you can actively listen to your partner, and ask them to actively listen to you. Also, try to avoid interrupting, and ensure you validate their emotions, even if you disagree with their thoughts or behavior. 

Learn what makes each other feel loved 

According to a theory by Gary Chapman, people have one or more of five love languages: 

• Physical touch
• Words of affirmation
• Gift giving 
• Acts of service
• Quality time 

If partners have different ways of showing love and emotional connection, one or both people might not believe their partner loves them. You might take steps to show your partner love in the way they understand, even if you don’t feel loved in that way. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, consider writing them a poem, leaving love notes around the house, or giving them specific and detailed compliments. 

Working through insecure attachment and mental health challenges 

If you have an insecure attachment style, you might believe the way you love is engrained in your personality, as it may have been present since you were young. However, attachment patterns are not immovable. For example, if you are avoidant, become uncomfortable during emotional conversations, and want to disappear or take space for an extended period, you might benefit from communicating your need for space without ignoring, blaming, or judging your partner for their emotions. 

You might try to validate your partner’s fears of your absence and be present in ways that are not too uncomfortable for you. You can do this by sending kind texts while you take space or scheduling a conversation with your loved one for a later date to address their concerns after you have processed your feelings.  

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might try to avoid the impact on your partner by learning to moderate the amount of messages you send. You might also try regulating your emotions in moment and waiting at least 24 hours before sending an emotional text or saying what you think, as you might regret an emotional message in the future if you don’t consider it more profoundly. If your partner asks for space, you might understand their needs while still setting boundaries and asking them to come back to the conversation later. 

Attachment patterns can be a common source of conflict. Some couples might benefit from talking to a therapist about these concerns and working through a therapeutic modality like emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which is primarily centered on attachment. You might also benefit from discussing past traumas or events that could have prompted an insecure attachment to form. This may foster connection and trust between you and your partner. However, every relationship is different, and each person involved needs to make the right decision for their emotional needs. 

When to move on from a relationship 

In some cases, incompatibility and a lack of intimacy can lead couples to want to break up or get a divorce. If you’re considering the end of a relationship, you might want to end the connection if the following is occurring: 

• You are experiencing any form of abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or spiritual abuse.
• Your partner refuses to make changes, see a therapist with you, or listen to you about your solutions.
• You are taking on everything in your relationship, and your partner makes no effort to change.
• You don’t love your partner anymore, or they don’t love you.
• You have differences in preferences for monogamy and polyamory.
• Your partner has betrayed you, and you struggle to forgive them.
• You and your partner argue every time you communicate. 
• You and your partner have different sex drives, and you aren’t comfortable with this factor.
• Your attachment style is causing significant emotional distress for you and your partner.
• You have different life goals and significant differences in desires for the future, such as the desire to get married or have kids.

Professional support for individuals and couples struggling with sex, sexual intimacy, and connection 

Talking to a therapist can be an effective way to address difficulty communicating and a lack of intimacy in any form. A therapist can often help individuals and couples come to the root of their challenges and communicate more healthily. However, some couples might avoid therapy due to the cost, as couples therapy is often not covered by health insurance unless deemed “medically necessary.” In these cases, an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples may be more accessible. 

Online therapy platforms are often more cost-effective, around $65 to $100 a week, including for couples. In addition, online platforms allow couples to attend therapy from separate locations if they are in a long-distance relationship. Some platforms may also include support groups and worksheets in memberships. 

Does online therapy work for couples?

In one study published in 2019, online therapy was found to be effective for couples. Participants reported they were comfortable with the online format as they could discuss sensitive subjects. 

Online therapy has also been found to be effective for individuals experiencing various mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression. This may be reassuring for those who prefer to connect with a therapist individually rather than with their partner.