Intimacy Vs. Sex: Why Emotional Connection Matters

Due to the nature of sex and intimacy, it’s not uncommon for these two ideas to become blurred. Sexual encounters may sometimes feel deeply intimate, while certain types of emotional connections can often prompt sexual desire. For those in romantic partnerships, sexual and emotional intimacy may be deeply intertwined, both occurring in tandem and seeming to fuel each other. So although you can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex, these two concepts often appear together.

Here, we’ll explore the concepts of sex and intimacy and what distinguishes them, plus illuminate the importance of nurturing an emotional connection in relationships. You’ll also learn some practical tips for building emotional intimacy.

Defining intimacy and its components

Intimacy refers to the sense of closeness we feel with friends, family, romantic partners, and others with whom we have deep connections. You might think of it as the substance of a relationship—without some type of intimacy, relationships may feel distant or even non-existent. 

There several types of intimacy, including but not limited to:

• Emotional intimacy: This is the emotional connection you feel with friends and loved ones, characterized by the sharing of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It’s what allows you to build trust and understanding with those you care about. 
• Physical intimacy: Hugging, kissing, holding hands, and sex are a few examples of physical intimacy. Different types of physical intimacy can be present in family relationships, romantic partnerships, and sometimes close friendships. 
• Psychological intimacy: Also known as intellectual intimacy, this lesser-known type of intimacy describes the bonding that can occur through the sharing of knowledge and ideas or learning things together.

Understanding how intimacy can manifest in many different ways can be helpful as you explore methods of connecting with the people close to you.

Understanding sexual desire

Sexual desire, also known as libido or sex drive, describes the physical, emotional, and psychological urges that underpin human sexuality. These urges are driven by specific brain mechanisms that trigger overall alertness and readiness in the nervous system, integrating specific needs like sex with a general state of arousal to produce certain behaviors and emotional expressions.

Sexual desire, in those who experience it, can be influenced by a variety of factors, including: 

• Biological elements (e.g., hormonal levels, physical health)
• Psychological factors (e.g., attraction, mental health)
• Relationship dynamics (e.g., emotional connection, communication)
• External stimuli (e.g., sensory experiences, erotic materials)

Note that sexual desire is, on some level, instinctual, arising from an innate, species-level need to bear offspring. While humans may have somewhat more psychological control over sexual urges than other species, it can be helpful to recognize and appreciate the deep, physiological forces that influence sexual desire. At times, a person’s sex drive may be less influenced by emotion than other factors.

Emotional intimacy vs. sexual intimacy: Understanding the difference

While in romantic relationships they are often closely linked, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are distinct concepts. That is, emotional closeness may or may not play a role in sexual intimacy, while sexual intimacy can exist with or without an emotional connection.

That means it may be possible to form relationships dominated by one or the other type of intimacy. For example, two people can form a predominantly physical relationship with the goal of satisfying their sexual needs; conversely, a close emotional bond could form between two people without any physical or sexual element. 

Even in the context of a single relationship, one type of intimacy may begin to take precedence. For instance, it’s not uncommon for sexual intimacy to wane in long-term relationships, or for couples to begin to drift apart emotionally. Thus, it may be important to approach romantic partnerships with care, intention, and a commitment to maintaining intimacy over the long term. 

The importance of emotional connection in relationships

When the emotional connection between romantic partners weakens, other aspects of the relationship—including sexual intimacy—may begin to falter as well, making it challenging to maintain the integrity and longevity of the relationship. With mutual effort and open communication, however, it’s often possible for couples to reconnect and repair their bond.

Can you be intimate without having sex?

While sex can be an important aspect of many romantic relationships, intimacy can exist in its absence, too. Emotional, psychological, and non-sexual physical intimacy can be powerful ways to connect, and some may even prefer to nurture these other aspects of the relationship prior to introducing sex into the equation.

Note that individuals can differ drastically with regard to their overall comfort level with sexual intimacy. It’s typically important to discuss and respect each other’s boundaries, prioritizing consent, communication, and mutual enthusiasm.

Building emotional intimacy in relationships

Again, emotional intimacy is often the cornerstone of a strong, lasting relationship. Building emotional intimacy requires intentional effort and meaningful practices that help you bond and evolve as a couple. Below are some tips that may help, as weaving these practices into your relationship can help you and your partner ensure your shared life brings you lasting joy and fulfillment. With a strong basis of emotional intimacy, other areas of intimacy can thrive. 

Spend quality time together

A good starting point may be to simply prioritize quality time together. This could mean engaging in activities that you both enjoy or simply committing to spending more time together without distractions. It can also be a good idea to establish regular date nights or even plan the occasional vacation or weekend getaway. 

Focus on improving communication

Improving your communication habits can be a positive step towards deeper intimacy. You might aim for more open and honest conversations that involve sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences to deepen your understanding and trust. It may also be worth implementing some boundaries to ensure that conversations about daily responsibilities and logistics don’t overshadow meaningful or lighthearted moments.

Build rituals and traditions

Rituals can imbue a relationship with a heightened sense of meaning and stability. It might be helpful to establish routines and traditions that help you bond on a regular basis, such as shared meals or evening walks. You might also consider some special ways to celebrate your relationship on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other important dates. 

Show appreciation and gratitude

Acknowledgement and appreciation can be key in cultivating a sense of love and mutual support. This could be as simple as saying “thank you” or telling your partner why you love them. This practice may be effective because it creates a sense of recognition within the partnership, strengthening the friendship at its foundation.

Maintain positivity

Relationship researcher John Gottman suggests the importance of maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in a romantic relationship. With that in mind, try to focus on the good aspects of your relationship, looking for ways to connect and express fondness. While conflict may arise on occasion, the presence of optimism and lighthearted interaction can help ensure positivity remains centered.

Intimacy issues? Therapy can help

Connect with a therapist

Seeking therapy for challenges related to intimacy 

If you and your partner are struggling with issues related to sex and/or intimacy, you may wish to connect with a licensed couples therapist or an individual therapist. This type of provider can create a safe, nonjudgmental space in which you may be able to share your thoughts and feelings about your relationship openly and get to the heart of conflict or other challenges so you can effectively address them.

For those with a busy schedule or few providers in their area, online therapy could be a more convenient option. With a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, you can get matched and then meet with a licensed therapist virtually from anywhere you have an internet connection—no commuting required. Research suggests that online couples counseling may be just as effective as face-to-face modalities for improving relationship outcomes in many cases.