Lack Of Intimacy Destroying Marriage: What Happens Without Intimacy?

While each relationship is unique, there are several common reasons that marriages end in divorce. Of these reasons, research suggests that lack of intimacy could be one of the most significant. A lack of intimacy destroying marriage can be a negative experience for everyone involved. In order to avoid divorce and work toward rebuilding your connection with your spouse, it may be helpful to understand the different types of intimacy and how they can impact a marriage. 

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What are the different intimacy types?

There are several different types and subtypes of intimacy. That said, it’s possible to separate intimacy into three main categories: physical, sexual, and emotional.

Physical intimacy

While physical intimacy is often thought of as behaviors that relate to sex, this isn’t always the case. Sexual intimacy is a type of physical intimacy, but it’s not the only one. Non-sexual physical intimacy involves all forms of touch that are not sexual in nature. This can include things like hugging, holding hands, and massage, as well as forms of touch that can sometimes but not always be considered sexual, such as cuddling or kissing. 

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy typically includes all forms of touch that relate to sex, such as kissing, foreplay, and sexual intercourse. Just like with physical intimacy, there are many important components to consider in order to ensure that your partner is comfortable with this form of intimacy whenever it occurs, including consent and boundaries. Clear communication is necessary to ensure that both partners feel safe in sexually intimate situations. 

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves talking to a partner and sharing one’s feelings. This can include discussing when a person feels sad, angry, disappointed, or any other emotion that could impact them and/or their partner. By sharing these feelings openly and having them received without judgment, individuals can feel supported and understood by their romantic partners. 

What are the effects of a lack of intimacy in marriage? 

The consequences of struggling in this area can vary from marriage to marriage. However, research suggests the following as a few common, potential effects of a lack of intimacy in a marriage:

• Mental and physical health risks: A lack of any type of intimacy in marriage may increase the risk of certain mental health disorders and even physical health conditions. A healthy level of intimacy—especially emotional and nonsexual physical intimacy—could lower your risk of certain disorders, such as depression. This may be because physical intimacy can release feel-good hormones like oxytocin, and because emotional intimacy can help form strong, supportive relationships, which humans need for well-being.
• Stress levels: Intimacy struggles can reveal incompatibilities or increase the significance of other marriage obstacles. This can create stress, which may cause a variety of mental and physical health challenges or conditions over both the short and long term.
• Marital satisfaction: Intimacy levels can significantly impact marital satisfaction. Marital satisfaction is related to whether a person regularly experiences pleasure or joy with their partner, feels safe, seen, and understood by them, and maintains a positive quality of life as a result. 

A lack of intimacy could also affect a person’s self-esteem, as they may believe their partner is no longer attracted or interested in them. This effect may be more pronounced with certain types of intimacy struggles, such as those that relate to physical or sexual intimacy. 

Does a lack of intimacy always relate to sex? 

While a lack of intimacy does not always relate to sex, it is common for couples to struggle with sexual intimacy. Potential signs of sexual intimacy challenges could include:

• Avoidance of sexual conversation topics
• Ignoring invitations for intimacy
• Frequent excuses to avoid intimacy
• Attention-seeking behaviors
• Recoiling from a partner’s touch

While individuals in a romantic partnership are not obligated to have sex, a decrease in sexual intimacy when it characterized the relationship previously may still have a negative impact. That’s why it can be beneficial to find ways to address these types of intimacy challenges in cooperation with your partner.

Common signs of a lack of intimacy

Couples who find they are struggling with sexual intimacy, non-sexual physical intimacy, or emotional intimacy may notice certain signs. These signs can vary but may include a lack of communication, frequent conflicts, and feelings of isolation. 

Lack of communication

While poor communication can create a variety of marital challenges, it may also be a sign that your relationship lacks intimacy. A lack of communication can manifest in a variety of ways, such as: 

• Becoming distracted during conversations 
• Talking over or interrupting a partner
• Avoiding specific topics with a partner
• Closed-off body language
• Stopping communication as a form of punishment (“stonewalling” or the “silent treatment”)

Without frequent, honest, and healthy communication, the levels of various forms of intimacy could be impacted. For example, if couples aren’t able to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, it could harm emotional intimacy. Poor communication can also impact physical intimacy, whether it be sexual or nonsexual. If partners can’t talk about what is preventing them from connecting physically, it can be challenging to find viable solutions. 

Frequent conflicts

Intimacy struggles could cause couples to feel stressed, which may result in more frequent interpersonal conflicts. These conflicts can relate to a variety of topics, including intimacy directly. Or, some arguments might have nothing to do with intimacy but may be fueled by the frustration that intimacy struggles can cause. While disagreements can vary from couple to couple, many may feel unproductive or centered around a trivial subject. These disagreements could mask the real reason for the conflict—such as a hidden or difficult-to-acknowledge struggle with intimacy. 

Feelings of isolation

Partners struggling with intimacy may feel a sense of loneliness or isolation. Depending on the type of intimacy that a marriage lacks, individuals could be spending less time together or spending more time on work, school, or hobbies—and not addressing their intimacy struggles could cause them to worsen. This may, in turn, increase one’s negative feelings and make it even harder to discuss and resolve them.

An individual in a relationship may also feel isolated due to struggles with their own mental health. A lack of intimacy may increase the risk of certain conditions, such as depression, or exacerbate symptoms of others, like anxiety.

What to do if you are in a sexless marriage

There are many reasons a marriage might be sexless, such as the period during which one partner is recovering from giving birth or a medical condition. Or, an open or polyamorous couple may have agreed to have sex with others rather than each other. That said, the term “sexless marriage” usually refers to a situation in which a couple no longer engages in sexual intimacy together without a clear reason and/or without having discussed it—and with no end point in sight.

Addressing a situation like this typically requires sitting down and having a discussion about what is occurring. In some cases, one partner may not be aware that a struggle with intimacy is happening. They may have a lower sex drive, for example, and not realize that their partner is unsatisfied.

For example, if one partner has gained or lost a significant amount of weight and no longer feels comfortable being naked, they might cite this as a reason for their lack of interest in sex. Others could be experiencing high stress at work, which could be causing sexual dysfunction. This dysfunction may manifest as difficulty getting an erection or achieving orgasm, which could lead them to avoid sex altogether. These are just a few possible explanations; speaking to your partner is the only way to find out what may be causing a lack of intimacy in your own marriage.

Tips for improving marital intimacy 

If you notice these signs in your marriage, it may be beneficial to learn ways to improve marital intimacy. Of course, having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns must typically be part of the solution. For issues like a lack of trust or reduced emotional intimacy that makes them shy away from physical intimacy, finding new strategies to create intimacy between you can be important.

One technique that may help is to learn each other’s love languages. Created by Gary Chapman, the Five Love Languages may be one way to better understand the wants and needs of your partner. The five love languages include: 

• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Words of affirmation
• Physical touch

However, the root causes of a lack of intimacy can sometimes run much deeper than a single conversation or tip can address. In cases like these, it can be helpful to reach out for the support of a therapist.

Can therapy help with intimacy?

Research suggests that certain types of therapy, such as couples therapy, may help couples improve intimacy. While different counselors may use different techniques, couples counseling sessions often involve having both partners sit down and discuss their individual perspectives in a calm and moderated environment. It may also help for the partners to engage in individual therapy as well, which can provide a space to discuss topics that may be uncomfortable to talk about with a partner present. 

While in-person couples therapy may be effective, it is not always convenient. Some may struggle to find reliable transportation or time in their schedule to travel to in-person appointments. In these situations, online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples can be a more convenient option.

Research suggests that online and in-person therapy can be equally effective in many cases. In a 2022 systematic review, for example, studies involving the use of online and in-person therapy were analyzed to compare their efficacy. Researchers found no significant differences between these therapeutic approaches when looking at various metrics, including symptom severity, function, working alliance, and client satisfaction.