My Husband Has No Emotional Intimacy: Tips To Address And Improve Intimacy

While there can be many obstacles in a healthy marriage, a lack of intimacy may be one of the most difficult to face. If you find yourself thinking, “My husband has no emotional intimacy,” this can create stress and increase the number of conflicts you have with your partner. To address a lack of emotional intimacy, it may be beneficial to start by understanding what emotional intimacy is and how it is different from other kinds of intimacy. You may find it helpful to practice effective communication skills, set and maintain healthy boundaries, address any underlying mental health challenges, and try couples counseling.

What is emotional intimacy?

While emotional intimacy may manifest in different ways for each couple, it often involves forming a bond with another individual by discussing your emotions openly and honestly. Partners in an emotionally intimate relationship or marriage usually sense they are supported and accepted, which may build their self-esteem and promote a high level of relationship satisfaction. Emotional intimacy can also involve a lack of judgment. An emotionally intimate environment can allow partners to be comfortable sharing their feelings and being vulnerable with one another. 

Other types of intimacy

There can be a variety of intimacy types, each of which can contribute to marital satisfaction. These may include physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. 

Physical intimacy

Physical intimacy often involves being physically close or touching another person, either in a sexual or non-sexual manner. While non-sexual physical intimacy can occur in many types of relationships, in romantic relationships, it may include specific behaviors like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, touching your partner on the arm or shoulder, sitting together in bed, and massaging one another. Physical intimacy involving sex, also known as sexual intimacy, typically involves any acts related to sexual activity. This may include foreplay, oral sex, and sexual intercourse.

Spiritual intimacy

Spiritually intimate couples are usually comfortable sharing their religious or spiritual views with each other, whether they participate in the same religion or have their own distinct ideologies. Spiritual intimacy can allow individuals to discuss spiritual topics freely and without the fear that their significant other will judge them. Having a strong sense of spiritual intimacy could also involve participating in the rituals and religious holidays that their partner values. These experiences may bring a couple closer and improve overall relationship satisfaction. 

Intellectual intimacy

Intellectual intimacy can enable couples to connect mentally on a variety of topics, including goals, dreams, and interests. Intellectually intimate couples may participate in similar hobbies or have serious discussions without worrying about potential conflict. These couples could also be adept at communicating healthily and maintaining boundaries, which may lead to fewer arguments and better conflict resolution. 

How to recognize a lack of emotional intimacy 

What can lead someone to avoid emotional intimacy?

A lack of emotional intimacy could come from several sources. For some individuals, struggles with emotional intimacy could stem from traumatic experiences. These experiences may have occurred in childhood, or they may relate to previous relationships. Those who have experienced trauma could find it challenging to open up and be vulnerable, as they may fear that further trauma could occur. 

Certain mental health conditions could lead individuals to struggle with emotional intimacy. For example, those with anxiety disorders may have anxious thoughts that could make emotional intimacy distressing or difficult. Depression may also contribute to emotional intimacy challenges, as it can lead someone to struggle with self-esteem and self-image. 

Can a lack of emotional intimacy affect your health? 

A lack of emotional intimacy can have a variety of negative health and social effects, such as those listed below:

• Higher risk of depression
• A sense of loneliness
• Lower sleep quality 
• Lower self-esteem 
• Social withdrawal

Relationships that lack emotional intimacy could also cause confusion for one or both partners. In some cases, individuals in these relationships may not understand their partner’s true feelings for them. This can lead to a sense of neglect or animosity, which may result in dissatisfaction or even the termination of the relationship. 

Tips to improve emotional intimacy

To avoid the potential effects discussed above, it could be beneficial to find ways to improve emotional intimacy. While each couple may require a unique approach, three techniques that could help include working on communication, setting up healthy boundaries, and addressing underlying mental health challenges.

Work on communication 

Communication tends to be an essential component of any functioning relationship, and without it, building emotional intimacy can be challenging. According to Harvard University, there may be several ways to improve communication:

• Be clear and concise during conversations
• Stay mindful of nonverbal communication
• Maintain a respectful tone
• Practice communication techniques like active listening
• Prepare what you intend to say ahead of time
• Work on building your emotional intelligence
• Create a positive environment
• Develop a shared communication strategy

By applying these communication tips, it may be possible for individuals in a relationship to become more comfortable and sense they are understood. This could create an environment where they find it easier to share their feelings and support one another. 

Establish healthy boundaries

While the term “healthy” can be subjective, establishing boundaries can be an important element of increasing emotional intimacy. The form these boundaries take may vary. For some, healthy boundaries can involve having time for each partner to spend by themselves. This can include activities like going to the gym, getting dinner with friends, or participating in a solo hobby. 

Healthy boundaries can also relate to how couples cohabitate. When two people are living in the same home, it is often beneficial to set clear rules for sharing responsibilities and respecting one another’s space. In some cases, these and other boundaries can be based on personal preference, although they may also be influenced by religion, culture, or experience. 

Address mental health challenges

Mental health challenges can make it challenging for a person to discuss emotionally intimate subjects and be comfortable building emotional intimacy. Reaching out for mental health assistance may be the key to addressing intimacy struggles. Even if you don’t have a diagnosed mental health condition, therapy can be helpful. 

Can therapy help couples build emotional intimacy?

Therapy can often help couples build emotional intimacy. While several therapeutic approaches could be effective, a few types of therapy that may benefit individuals and couples include the following: 

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is a therapeutic approach that can help individuals identify thought and behavior patterns that may contribute to intimacy struggles. A CBT provider can teach a person techniques to restructure these patterns and become more comfortable building intimacy with their partner. 
• Couples therapy: Couples therapy often involves both partners visiting a therapist together and discussing the challenges in their relationship. A couples therapist can discuss coping mechanisms, facilitate communication, and help each person sense they are heard and validated. 
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT can be particularly adept at addressing specific fears within relationships, such as a fear of emotional intimacy. This type of therapy can be especially beneficial for those experiencing borderline personality disorder (BPD), a condition that may exacerbate intimacy-related challenges. 

While CBT, couples therapy, and DBT may be beneficial, in-person therapy may not be available in all areas. Some individuals could live in health professional shortage areas (HPSAs) or a remote region without providers nearby. This could make scheduling an appointment difficult or increase the wait time for a person to see a professional. Others may lack the transportation to travel to face-to-face appointments, or they may prefer to discuss sensitive topics through online chat, phone call, or video conference. In these cases, it may be beneficial to try online therapy. 

Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy. In a 2022 systematic review, researchers evaluated 12 studies involving the use of telehealth therapy and face-to-face therapy. They found that there appeared to be no significant differences between these approaches, including in the symptom severity, satisfaction, and overall improvement of participants after treatment.