“My Husband Never Initiates Intimacy”: Coping With Ongoing Intimacy Issues

When two romantic partners decide to get married, there is typically a satisfactory level of physical intimacy and a healthy sex life at the beginning of the marriage. Newlyweds often experience a “honeymoon” period during which all physical and emotional needs are or seem to be met. However, this does not always last. As partners grow older and life takes on more stress and responsibilities, you might find yourself saying, “My husband never initiates intimacy” and wondering what to do about it. 

Intimacy is one of the cornerstones of a healthy marriage, and it can take various forms. Here, we’ll talk about both emotional and physical/sexual intimacy, plus potential causes of a lack of intimacy in a marriage and advice on how to cope.

Understanding marriage intimacy

According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, intimacy can be defined as “the closeness that comes from deeply knowing and feeling safe with another person.” As a general concept, intimacy represents a certain level of comfort and safety between individuals in which each person has a deep understanding of and care for the other. Whether you’ve known someone for a few months or more than a decade, it’s possible to share various forms of intimacy with them.

Types of intimacy

There are several types of intimacy that can characterize a romantic partnership. There’s experiential intimacy, which is built by engaging in hobbies and activities together and creating shared memories. There’s intellectual intimacy, in which romantic partners create bonds through learning and sharing curiosities with each other. However, the most important types of intimacy for many married couples are physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. 

Physical intimacy can include sex between partners, but it’s not the only type—particularly since not every marriage is characterized by sexual intimacy. Physical intimacy can also include things like holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, and more. These types of behaviors can help establish closeness between partners and make them both feel more desired.

Emotional intimacy is the feeling of security that comes from sharing an emotional bond. Partners who are emotionally intimate feel safe and at ease around each other and free to share their deepest emotions. An emotional bond between partners is often a crucial factor in the longevity and health of a marriage, and it can also play a crucial role in sexual intimacy for marriages that include this component. This may be because partners who share emotional intimacy tend to feel safe with each other sexually and secure in asking for what they want and need.

Sex vs. intimacy

However, the physical act of sex alone is typically not enough. In fact, frequent sexual activity that lacks true connection and/or is unsatisfying for one or both partners often makes a marriage feel less intimate. A crucial part of intimacy is listening and communicating openly and honestly about likes and dislikes, and this extends to physical/sexual intimacy in a relationship. In this way, sex and intimacy are linked.

Why doesn’t my partner initiate sex?

If your husband never initiates sex, there are a number of possible causes. Some examples include the following:

• Increased stress
• Mental health conditions 
• Medical issues or conditions 
• Busy schedules and less free time
• A low sex drive or libido
• Unaddressed past sexual trauma
• Body image issues
• Gender dysphoria 
• Low self-esteem or low sexual confidence
• Unmet sexual needs that one partner is nervous to communicate
• Broken trust

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

These are just some of the potential explanations. The only way to get to the bottom of why your husband hasn’t been initiating sex lately is typically to have an open, honest, and nonjudgmental discussion together.

How mental health can impact intimacy

Mental health and sexual intimacy are often interrelated. For one, the mental stress of major life events—from having children to experiencing financial problems to navigating grief—can affect the levels of sexual intimacy in a relationship or whether one person feels comfortable or motivated to initiate. 

In addition, mental health challenges can have a drastic impact on sexual intimacy in relationships. For example, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (particularly as a result of sexual trauma) can influence a person’s sex drive due to potential symptoms like fatigue, anhedonia, and irritability. Particularly if left untreated, these may lead to side effects such as diminished libido, erectile dysfunction, distraction during sexual activity, or not being interested in sex in general. 

Coping with ongoing intimacy issues

There are many ways to cope with ongoing intimacy issues in a marriage. First, it can be important to remind yourself that you are still desirable and worthy of love and affection, even if your marriage is currently experiencing a rough patch. Next, it can be crucial to communicate your feelings and desires with your husband in order to begin working on a plan to address any ongoing intimacy issues. Remember that intimacy goes beyond just sexual activity and that there are many ways of building it back in a marriage. 

Tips for increasing intimacy

Talking to your partner about why they never initiate sexual intimacy is usually the first step, as it’s harder to solve an unclear or undefined problem. Particularly if the root cause of your husband rarely having initiated sex relates to a decreased sex drive or boredom within the sexual relationship, the following strategies may be helpful:

• Introduce spontaneity into your sexual relationship
• Stimulate desire by engaging in sensual activities, such as massage
• Create an environment where sexuality can be discussed openly and without judgment 
• Compliment your partner’s appearance
• Leave sexual notes for your partner or engage in consensual sexual text messaging 
• Increase nonsexual physical intimacy, such as holding hands or designating time to cuddle
• Engage in active listening when your partner shares their needs and desires and avoid judgment and shame
• Set aside a schedule for regular dates or for sexual intimacy
• Engage in activities such as gift-giving or writing love notes
• If applicable, arrange childcare so you and your partner can have some alone time

How therapy may help

Therapy can be a potentially beneficial option for couples experiencing intimacy issues in their marriage. There is couples therapy, in which both partners attend therapy sessions together and work through their issues under the guidance of a licensed professional. There is also individual therapy, which could help you cope with frustration and other emotions related to your sex life and/or could help your husband explore his own feelings related to your marriage.

If you feel uncomfortable at the prospect of meeting with a therapist in person to discuss concerns related to intimacy in your marriage, you might feel more at ease with online therapy. Through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can get matched and meet with a licensed mental health professional virtually from anywhere you have an internet connection. According to a growing body of recent research, online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy in many cases.