My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy: How To Balance Physical And Emotional Needs

In marriages and long-term partnerships, balancing physical and emotional needs can be challenging—particularly when one partner desires sex but seems to shy away from deeper intimacy. This can lead to complex feelings of frustration, confusion, and emotional disconnect, making it important to address issues surrounding sex and intimacy and ensure both partners’ needs are met.

Here, we’ll explore sex and intimacy in-depth, identify the signs of a disconnected marriage, and offer some tips for enhancing both emotional intimacy and sexual desire. You’ll also find some helpful tips for managing differences in libidos, as well as guidance for how and when to seek professional interventions like couples therapy. 

Understanding sex and intimacy

Sex and intimacy are often intertwined, but they are not the same. While sex usually involves physical acts of closeness and pleasure, intimacy can encompass the emotional connection and bond between partners.

Defining physical vs. emotional intimacy

While the term “intimacy” can be used to refer to either physical or emotional intimacy, it’s often helpful to understand these two types of intimacy as distinct concepts. 

Sex can be viewed as an expression of physical intimacy, alongside acts like kissing, hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection. Emotional intimacy, on the other hand, can describe the sense of closeness and connection that partners have with each other. It typically involves being emotionally vulnerable, building trust, and sharing your inner world with your partner.

The impact of sex without emotional intimacy

Recognizing the signs of a disconnected marriage

When a mismatch between sex and intimacy arises, it can indicate a deeper disconnect. Here are some other signs of a disconnected marriage of which to be aware:

• Lack of meaningful communication: Conversations may be superficial or limited to logistical or household matters and lack the emotional depth that may have been present at the beginning of the relationship.
• Decline in physical intimacy: This can include a lack of sexual desire as well as non-sexual physical affection, like hugging and cuddling.
• Decrease in shared experiences: Partners may spend less quality time together engaging in activities or experiences that once brought meaning to the relationship.
• Frequent misunderstandings: A lack of connection can result in increased conflict or a sense of not being understood by each other.
• Emotional distance: One or both partners may feel lonely or emotionally isolated in the relationship. The relationship could begin to seem like that of roommates rather than intimate partners.
• Indifference to each other's lives: Rather than enthusiasm and mutual support, partners may show little interest in each other’s daily experiences, feelings, and achievements. 

If you and your partner have begun to sense you are emotionally detached from one another, you can take steps to enhance your emotional intimacy and reconnect. Many couples find it helpful to schedule quality time together into their days or weeks, whether by choosing to share meals or planning regular date nights. It can also be helpful to seek the guidance of a licensed couples therapist.

Understanding barriers to intimacy

When intimacy diminishes, it can be helpful to identify any underlying issues that may be coming between you and your partner. Some common barriers to intimacy include the following:

• Different understandings of intimacy
• Negative past experiences or trauma
• Emotional disconnect
• Stress
• Lack of time and effort
• Fear of vulnerability
• Different sexual desires
• Routine and monotony

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Enhancing emotional intimacy in your relationship

Taking steps to deepen your emotional connection can be a way to bridge the gap between you and your partner. A stronger bond can help you create a foundation of closeness that can enhance both emotional and physical satisfaction in your relationship.

1. Spend quality time together

   Carving out more time for meaningful interactions can help you overcome an emotional disconnect. Shared meals, weekend outings, or evening walks can be an easy way to spend more time enjoying each other’s company. You might also consider scheduling regular date nights or booking a romantic getaway. 

2. Show appreciation and gratitude

   According to renowned marriage expert John Gottman, a culture of fondness and appreciation can be key to a successful partnership. Try to look for ways to acknowledge each other’s efforts and characteristics, whether that’s a simple “thank you,” a surprise gift, or a verbal acknowledgement of your partner’s positive traits.

3. Creating rituals of connection

   Rituals of connection are another strategy often recommended by couples therapists practicing the Gottman method. These rituals can vary between couples and may depend on your habits and preferences. Some examples include a goodbye kiss each morning, a weekly date night, or distraction-free dinners together. Such rituals can help you and your partner bond and create shared meaning.

4. Fostering healthy communication

   Open and honest communication is generally considered to be a crucial part of successful relationships. If your communication styles are negatively impacting your ability to connect emotionally, it may be important to implement healthier communication techniques like using “I” statements, validating your partner’s feelings, and using a calm, respectful tone. 

5. Work on personal growth together

   Research has found that married couples who work toward goals together tend to be less likely to divorce, perhaps because joint goal planning can be a source of shared meaning and mutual support. Consider setting some goals with your partner that you can work on together. For example, you may commit to going to the gym together, reading a self-help book, or attending weekly therapy. 

Boosting sexual desire while cultivating intimacy

When sexual desire becomes one-sided, it can be frustrating for both parties. While deepening your emotional connection can sometimes prompt more physical intimacy, there are some other ways you might boost sexual desire:

1. Communicate openly about desires and boundaries

   While talking about sex can sometimes be uncomfortable, it can be important to have open conversations about your desires and boundaries. Maintain an open dialogue with your partner about your preferences, feelings, and any concerns you might have. Listen closely as your partner shares their thoughts, and try to keep discussions solution-focused.

2. Prioritize foreplay and sensual touch

   While it may be common to view sex as an end goal, this expectation can create pressure and reduce the enjoyment of the experience. Instead, focus on taking it slow and exploring other elements of sensuality, such as massage, foreplay, or verbal expression. Taking the time to build up desire can not only make sex more enjoyable, but it may also create a more relaxed and connected atmosphere.

3. Experiment with new activities and settings

   Introducing variety to your sex life may reignite passion and keep the experience exciting. Consider trying different positions, exploring new fantasies together, or having intimate moments in different places. Spontaneity, erotic communication, and other changes to your routine can be a way to break up the monotony and stoke desire. 

4. Maintain physical health and mental well-being

   Maintaining good physical and mental health can be an effective way to combat stress, increase your energy levels, and boost your libido. It can help to address any sleep or nutritional issues that may be interfering with your health, and to prioritize at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. With a clear mind and healthy body, you may feel more enthusiastic about sexual intimacy. 

5. Explore and understand your own sexuality

   Developing a good sense of your own sexuality can be an important step in cultivating a healthy sex life. With a solid understanding of your preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, you’ll likely be better equipped to communicate them to your partner. Consider taking some time to reflect on your desires, educate yourself, and experiment. 

Not sure how to balance physical and emotional intimacy?

Get advice from a licensed therapist

Managing differences in sex drive

Mismatched libidos tend to be a common complaint among married couples. Though this can be frustrating, there are some steps you can take to find balance and compromise. 

• Understand how desire works: Recognize that desire can be spontaneous (seeming to arise out of nowhere) or responsive (occurring in response to external stimuli). Sexual desire can also create a feedback loop—with more sexual activity, you may experience an increase in sexual desire overall.
• Make space for other types of intimacy: Non-sexual physical intimacy and emotional intimacy can ensure that other areas of the relationship remain healthy, even if one partner is less inclined to have sex. Additionally, increasing other types of intimacy can sometimes boost sexual desire.
• Practice good communication: Be sure to maintain a healthy dialogue about your sex life, ensuring both partners’ needs, preferences, and boundaries are respected. 
• Avoid pressure: Pressure and expectations surrounding sex can not only dampen desire, but they may also lead to issues related to consent. Aim for a relaxed, comfortable, consensual dynamic where both partners know they are safe and respected.
• Develop mindfulness: When one partner desires sex more than the other, it may be especially important to develop a mindful appreciation for what the relationship is and who your partner is, rather than focusing on what is lacking.

Online relationship therapy for intimacy issues

If you and your partner struggle with issues related to sex and intimacy, it may be worth consulting a licensed therapist. A sex therapist, for example, can help you work toward a mutually enjoyable sex life, while a couples counselor may be helpful if there are deeper issues within the relationship.

Through Regain, you can connect with a licensed therapist specializing in your area of need and attend weekly couples therapy from the comfort of home. According to a 2022 study, online couples therapy can effectively boost relationship satisfaction among married couples.

Online couples counseling may be preferable for those seeking a convenient, flexible, low-cost alternative to traditional face-to-face counseling. To get started, match with a couples counselor on Regain.