“My Wife Is Always Too Tired For Intimacy”: Addressing Marital Intimacy Challenges

If you find yourself thinking, “My wife is always too tired for intimacy,” you may feel frustrated or confused. There are many potential reasons a person may frequently be too tired or otherwise not in the mood for sex with their spouse, some of which we’ll explore here. To help you understand how best to approach a lack of intimacy in your marriage, it may be useful to start by understanding what intimacy is.

Does intimacy always involve sex? 

Intimacy does not always involve sexual contact. There are various types of intimacy, and a couple may struggle with any of them, including:

• Non-sexual physical intimacy. Non-sexual forms of physical intimacy can be an important way for couples to bond outside of the realm of sex. These acts may involve things like holding hands, sleeping in bed together, putting an arm around your partner, and hugging.
• Emotional intimacy. Couples who are emotionally intimate openly share how they feel with their partner and maintain a sense of honesty in their relationship. Emotionally intimate acts can include things like discussing emotions when they arise and showing genuine interest in a partner’s feelings. 
• Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy can involve sharing your spiritual or religious views with a partner without fear of judgment. Spiritually intimate acts can include having discussions about spiritual questions, participating in religious rituals, or joining a partner for religious events. 
• Intellectual intimacy. Couples who are intellectually intimate have usually taken the time to understand one another’s perspectives, interests, and hobbies. Acts of intellectual intimacy can include having stimulating conversations, participating in common interests, and exploring new experiences with a partner. 

While it may be possible to struggle with any of these intimacy types, being too tired to engage in intimacy often relates to sexual intimacy specifically. Although it may not be the most important type of intimacy for every couple or even be a part of every marital relationship, sexual intimacy can still play a crucial role in many marriages. 

What is sexual intimacy? 

While sexual intimacy does involve sexual acts, there is more to the topic than simply engaging in sexual intercourse. People in marriages with healthy sexual intimacy often communicate openly and consistently about sex throughout their relationship. These conversations typically address important points about intimacy, such as consent, boundaries, preferences, and fantasies. Discussing these subjects ahead of time can ensure that both partners not only feel safe and satisfied but also experience the potential benefits of true sexual intimacy. 

What are the benefits of intimacy in marriage? 

Not every marriage is characterized by sexual intimacy, which is not a problem as long as both partners are satisfied. However, having some form(s) of romantic intimacy in general can provide many potential benefits for the individuals in a couple, such as:

• Higher relationship satisfaction
• Lower risk of depression and anxiety
• Lower stress levels
• Higher self-esteem
• Reduced risk of mortality

Potential benefits of sexual intimacy in particular can include similar factors, from improved cardiovascular health to improved confidence.

What can cause difficulties in a couple’s sex life?

There are many reasons that a couple may struggle with sexual intimacy. Here are just a few possible causes.

A chronic illness or other health conditions

Experiencing a chronic illness can make sexual intimacy difficult for a variety of reasons. Physical challenges, such as fatigue or pain, may make sexual activity uncomfortable. Psychological changes can also affect intimacy, as a chronic illness can sometimes impact mood or self-image, for example. 

Mental health challenges

Certain mental health conditions can interfere with sexual function, which may impact sexual intimacy. For example, research suggests that depression can lead to sexual dysfunction in some cases, including struggling to orgasm, decreased sexual desire, and decreased overall satisfaction. Medications for depression can also impact sexual intimacy. Some depression medications, such as serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may cause reduced sex drive, difficulty maintaining an erection, and difficulty having an orgasm. Other mental health challenges, such as past trauma or low self-esteem, could play a role in sexual intimacy challenges, too.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Stress 

Stress can come from many different sources—from work challenges to financial struggles—and can create a number of challenges that could cause sexual intimacy struggles. For example, stress can make it more difficult for partners to communicate due to irritability and fatigue, and communication is typically an important element of safe and fulfilling sex. Stress may also cause erectile dysfunction, which can make it difficult to achieve or maintain an erection.

What does it mean when someone is “too tired for sex?”

No matter the true reason, if a partner says they are not interested in having sex, you should respect their boundaries and not continue to question them. However, it can be helpful to have a discussion at another time about how they’re feeling in order to determine whether there may be a way to address intimacy struggles. Communication is almost always key to addressing intimacy challenges.

Tips for addressing sexual intimacy challenges

There may be several ways for married individuals to address and resolve struggles with sexual intimacy. While each couple is unique, many partners can benefit from spending more quality time together. Increasing emotional intimacy could help rebuild trust and rekindle the desire for sexual intimacy. 

Working on communication skills can be another potentially effective way to address intimacy struggles. One method that may help partners do this is a technique called active listening. Active listening involves dedicating your full attention to the other person during a conversation, paying attention to both their verbal and non-verbal cues. Active listeners also typically maintain positive body language and ask clarifying questions that help show their partner they are listening. When applied to intimate topics, these techniques could help couples struggling with intimacy. 

While these techniques can be beneficial, some intimacy challenges may require outside assistance. In these situations, it could be helpful to seek the support of a mental health professional, such as a counselor or therapist. 

Can a therapist help with a sexless marriage? 

Several types of therapy could help couples struggling with sexual intimacy. Some examples include sex therapy, couples therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Sex therapy

In most cases, sex therapy is an approach that intends to address the specific challenges that can interfere with sexual intimacy. Low sexual desire, erectile dysfunction, low sexual confidence, and past sexual trauma are a few examples. Sex therapy sessions can involve meeting with a therapist one-on-one or with a partner. A sex therapist can help you address the sexual challenges you and your partner are experiencing and provide potential techniques that could be beneficial. 

Couples therapy

Couples therapy typically involves both partners meeting with a couples counselor and discussing the struggles they are facing—whether they’re related to sexual intimacy or not. In some cases, a couples counselor will also meet with partners individually to provide a safe space to discuss any topics they may only feel comfortable talking about alone. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help a person identify thought and behavior patterns that could contribute to sexual intimacy struggles. A CBT provider can share techniques that may be beneficial, such as cognitive restructuring. This approach can allow individuals to learn to identify whether a particular thought pattern is harmful and work to restructure it if so.

While CBT and other types of therapy may help couples with intimacy struggles, in-person therapy may not always be available or convenient. Some couples may have busy schedules or trouble with reliable transportation, while others might simply prefer to attend therapy via phone call, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home. In these situations, it may be beneficial to explore options such as an online therapy platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. 

Research suggests that online couples therapy can be as effective as in-person couples therapy in many cases. For example, in a 2021 study, 60 participants were asked to participate in either face-to-face therapy or therapy delivered through videoconferencing. Researchers found that not only was couples therapy beneficial, but that online therapy could be as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy for many.