No Intimacy In A Relationship: Ways To Handle It

A feeling of no intimacy in a relationship can present challenges for a couple, especially when a relationship's dynamic has changed from how it used to be in the past. While it's common for a romantic relationship to change over time, intimacy problems can affect the quality of a relationship and the well-being of partners. Conversely, factors such as stress, as well as emotional and mental health challenges, can influence people’s ability to connect with their partner. 

While there are many factors that can contribute to a lack of intimacy in relationships, effective communication with one's partner may help pave the way to address concerns. Read on to learn more about intimacy's impact on relationships, ways to broach concerns with a partner, and tips for fostering intimacy. 

Types of intimacy in a relationship 

When people speak of intimacy, they may be talking about different types of intimacy. Physical intimacy involves physical touch, such as physical affection through hugging, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, touching each other's hair, engaging in sexual activity, and bonding physically in numerous individual ways. Emotional intimacy relates to a feeling of trust, safety, and closeness between partners, which can enable them to be vulnerable and open. Sexual intimacy refers to being sexually intimate with a partner while feeling connected to them, regardless of the nature of the relationship. 

While intimacy can mean different things to different people, intimacy implies emotional closeness. The American Psychological Association (APA), for example, broadly defines intimacy as "an interpersonal state of extreme emotional closeness such that each party’s personal space can be entered by any of the other parties without causing discomfort to that person."

Lack of intimacy—possible causes

There are many ways in which lack of intimacy may manifest. For example, relationship issues, such as poor communication, can affect intimacy in a relationship and the emotional connection between partners. While partners can sometimes have different expectations around intimacy, as may be the case when one partner is asexual—a valid sexual identity in which a person experiences little or no sexual attraction—when partners suddenly or gradually lose interest in intimacy in its various forms, it may indicate an underlying cause, such as stress. Stress is linked with causing physiological changes in the body that affect a person’s ability to connect with others.

Challenges faced by couples with a family 

Many couples raising children experience challenges with intimacy. Research suggests that relationship satisfaction affects a person’s health and subjective sense of well-being. These include factors such as childcare duties, disagreements about parenting style, fatigue, financial worries, sleep difficulties, and less time spent as a couple. 

Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy challenges

Findings indicate that emotional and physical intimacy through sex are associated with couples' relationship satisfaction. However, some couples may experience difficulty with emotional intimacy. Those who are experiencing challenges with physical intimacy may benefit from finding ways to foster more emotional intimacy in their relationship, as this may help foster sexual intimacy.

Ways to address lack of intimacy

Some researchers view intimacy as a key feature of marital communication. However, many couples experience difficulty talking about problems that are impacting intimacy in a relationship, especially if they haven't had these types of conversations before or haven't been able to address these problems without conflict. The following are some considerations when seeking to broach the topic of intimacy with your partner:

• Find a time to talk when you're both relaxed.
• Use "I" statements, such as "I feel ignored when I reach for your hand," instead of "You always pull away when I reach for your hand." The former allows your partner to consider your feelings and perspective, which may make them less likely to feel blamed. 
• Consider your partner's perspective when they respond to what you say to them. Maybe they are experiencing personal challenges, such as low self-esteem, work-related stress, financial difficulty, or mental health challenges. Your partner may also bring up relationship problems that are affecting their ability to trust or feel close to you, so it may be helpful to remain calm and try to listen to their concerns and challenges. 
• Aim to view the conversation as a way to work through challenges together as a team.
• Stay open to seeking professional help to navigate complex challenges and improve communication and expression of needs, desires, and concerns.

Ways to foster emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy

The Gottman Institute recommends various ways to foster (and rekindle) intimacy between couples, including:

• Showing empathy towards each other
• Spending more time on physical touch, including kissing, hugging, and massaging each other
• Avoiding criticizing each other 
• Aiming to spend more time in foreplay if and when you're having sex
• Demarcating a space, such as the bedroom, for relaxation, pleasure, and sleep 
• Avoiding discussing duties, chores, and problems in the bedroom
• Flirting with your partner
• Focusing on affectionate touch, such as holding hands
• Spending time doing enjoyable activities together

How intimacy impacts mental health

Healthy relationships are associated with better mental health, which suggests that improving intimacy may positively impact the mental health of both partners. While it's common for a romantic relationship to change over time, intimacy challenges can negatively impact the well-being of both partners.

Mental health concerns affect intimacy 

Some researchers suggest that mental health challenges experienced by a partner may impact the quality of the relationship, possibly through stress, added responsibilities, and power imbalances. Researchers also suggests that depression experienced by one partner may affect the self-esteem of both partners. However, receiving support in navigating challenges and learning ways to establish a healthier dynamic may mitigate these effects.

Fostering a feeling of connection

Couples experiencing challenges in intimacy may benefit from finding ways to foster a feeling of connection. How to do this may depend on a couple's unique dynamics, interests, and personalities, but individuals may begin to foster closeness by:

• Listening closely 
• Working toward open, empathetic communication in which both people can express thoughts and feelings without judgment
• Showing appreciation through gestures and words
• Seeking help when needed

Talking to a marriage and family therapist to address intimacy challenges

Many couples can benefit from couples therapy to navigate emotional and psychological hurdles that may be affecting their ability to fully connect with each other. A therapist can offer a safe, nonjudgmental environment in which to address various challenges, including differences in libido, body image, anxiousness around sex, and difficulty communicating needs, desires, and feelings. 

Therapy to develop a greater feeling of intimacy and address mental health concerns

Intimacy challenges can affect a person’s emotional well-being and mental health, and, conversely, stress and other challenges can affect intimacy. Therapy may help individuals and couples address emotional and mental health concerns that are affecting their ability to connect with their partner. 

Online therapy for lack of intimacy

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing matters related to intimacy in a traditional office setting, you might consider online therapy. A platform like BetterHelp or Regain (for relationship counseling) enables you to have sessions with a licensed therapist through video, phone, or live chat. You can also exchange in-app messages, which can be helpful when you'd like your therapist to respond to you outside of therapy sessions. 

How effective is online therapy for developing a greater feeling of intimacy and improving mental health?

If you're wondering about the possible benefits of online therapy, many studies have supported its use. For example, one study involving 60 participants examined the efficacy of a couples therapy program conducted through videoconferencing versus in-person therapy. The study's findings noted that therapeutic alliance and improvements in relationship satisfaction and mental health were comparable for both in-person and videoconferencing groups, leading the researchers to conclude that.