No Intimacy In Marriage: Why Passion Fades And What To Do About It
Does it seem like sex and passion have vanished from your marriage? Sexless marriages may be the subject of frequent jokes in pop culture, but in real life, the lack of a sexual connection can place a serious strain on a couple’s relationship. While physical intimacy is only one element of a healthy marriage, its absence can take a toll on emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction. What causes intimacy problems in couples, and how can you keep them from derailing your marriage?
Intimacy in a marriage can decline or disappear for many reasons, ranging from physical health challenges to the stress, fatigue, and boredom associated with your daily routine. Unaddressed mental health symptoms could also play a role. Figuring out what’s at the root of the troubles in your sex life may be a crucial first step in making a positive change. A licensed therapist can help you address the source of the issue and improve your connection with your partner.
How much sexual intimacy is healthy in a marriage?
How often should a healthy couple be having sex, and when is lack of sexual intimacy a problem? Most relationship therapists agree that there isn’t an easy answer to this question. Some define a “sexless marriage” as one in which couples have sex 10 times per year or fewer, but only you and your partner can determine exactly what kind of sex life you need to feel happy.
Different people can have very different levels of sexual desire. The connection between sexual activity and romantic connectedness isn’t always straightforward, either — one couple may be unfulfilled if they’re not having sex at least twice a week, while another may happily go for months without sex as long as they share lots of cuddling, playful touching, and intimate conversations.
Some people on the asexual spectrum may also have little to no desire for sex but still have an interest in romantic relationships. Other couples may be unable to be physically intimate due to chronic health complaints or other concerns. As long as both partners are okay with it, a marriage or partnership without sexual activity can still be satisfying and worthwhile.
Is it normal to have less sex over time?
Some decline in sexual frequency can be typical in long-term relationships. One study from 2017 reported that couples in their 20s have sex roughly 80 times per year on average, but that number usually drops steadily, with couples in their 60s reporting sex around 20 times per year. Note that this may not apply to couples with one or more partners on the asexual spectrum, who may be content with much less sexual activity.
Decreased sexual frequency doesn’t necessarily mean that couples’ emotional connections are fading. Changes in sexual desire over time may be a normal part of aging, with arousal becoming less frequent and intense as the years go by. The increasing responsibilities of adult life may also leave less time and energy for sex.
However, a sudden decline in sexual intimacy or a totally sexless marriage can still indicate relationship issues that require your attention. Negative feelings like frustration and disconnection stemming from a lack of sex can also be signs that the situation needs to be addressed.
How the absence of intimacy can negatively affect a marriage
The lack of a fulfilling sex life may strain your relationship in a variety of ways, including the following:
- Decreased connection: Mutually satisfying sexual activity may encourage a sense of attachment and emotional intimacy. Without at least an occasional physical connection, your romantic bond could suffer.
- Hurt feelings: When one partner frequently wants sex and the other doesn't, the person who experiences more desire often senses they have been rejected. This can lead to low self-esteem and worries about the other partner’s romantic feelings.
- Anger and conflict: Frustration over unfulfilled sexual desire can lead to irritability and arguments between spouses. Even if you’re not arguing specifically about your sex life, difficulties in that part of the relationship may make it easier to fight about other things.
- Mutual resentment: Mismatched expectations about sex can quickly lead to a cycle of resentment. The person who wants more physical intimacy may become bitter over frequent rejections, and their partner may resent the sense that they’re being pressured to have sex they don’t want.
Regardless of the specific factors involved, surveys suggest that a lack of intimacy is one of the most frequent reasons people cite for getting divorced. Maintaining a thriving marriage may require addressing your challenges with sexual intimacy.
Why does intimacy disappear in marriage?
Determining what’s driving the decline in intimacy between you and your spouse may be a helpful first step in resolving the issue. While no two relationships are the same, certain factors tend to be common drivers of decreased sexual activity in long-term couples.
Medical issues
In many cases, a decrease in sexual desire or function can be directly linked to health complications like those listed below:
- Cardiovascular disease
- Diabetes
- Urinary tract disorders
- Chronic illnesses
Conditions like these may directly affect the physical sexual response, or they may lead to fatigue or pain that can lower an individual’s enthusiasm for sex.
Mental health issues
Lack of libido can be a common symptom of certain mental health disorders, such as depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, while conditions like anxiety disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder may also contribute to things like less satisfying sex. Some medications prescribed for mental health difficulties, such as antidepressants, can also interfere with sexual health and intimacy.
Childbirth
A drop in libido after childbirth can be common, especially in women. This can occur for a variety of reasons, including hormonal shifts, changes in sleep schedules, and adjusting to new stresses and responsibilities. Even after a person is physically able to have sex again, it may feel painful or awkward, and their desire may not yet have fully rebounded.
Infertility
Difficulty having children may also diminish interest in physical intimacy. Infertility may interfere with a person’s self-esteem and sense of masculinity or femininity. On the other hand, sex may begin to seem mechanical and impersonal when the desire to conceive overpowers the focus on mutual pleasure.
Lack of non-physical intimacy
While a drop-off in sexual satisfaction can cause a decrease in relationship satisfaction, research suggests that this relationship can also work the other way. A couple’s sex life can dwindle when one or both partners experience less emotional togetherness, respect, appreciation, communication, or care.
Lack of excitement
For some couples, the sense that their relationship has fallen into an unchanging routine can dampen passion and lead to a lack of intimacy. If it’s been a while since you had new and exciting experiences as a couple, this could partly explain why the romance seems to be fading.
Stress and fatigue
Research suggests that greater day-to-day stress can negatively impact sexual desire and the frequency of sexual activity.
These effects may differ somewhat between men and women, which could drive mismatches in libido in heterosexual couples (though the sex lives of same-gender couples may still be negatively impacted by stress). The problem may be exacerbated if one partner is shouldering more of the responsibilities in the relationship, which can lead to exhaustion and resentment that can make it hard to get in the mood.
How to address a lack of intimacy in marriage
Are you hoping to revive your sex life with your spouse? Making some or all of the following changes may help.
Talk about sex
Emphasize romance
Finding ways to recreate the experience of courting may rekindle desire. This can involve planned activities, as well as spontaneous romantic gestures like love notes, gifts, compliments, and surprise getaways.
Taking care of your spouse and your home in more mundane ways may also be a romantic act if done in a spirit of love. Acts of care, help, and service are a common “love language” for many people, and many spouses experience less sexual desire when they’re left with a disproportionate share of household tasks and responsibilities. (Research suggests that this is a particularly frequent challenge for women married to men.) Going out of your way to make your partner’s life easier and your shared home more orderly may help you both be more ready for romance.
Make time for intimacy
Sometimes, simply having sex can make you feel sexier. While the idea of scheduling intimacy may not sound very appealing, research suggests that deliberately choosing to have more sex can be effective in increasing sexual satisfaction for both partners.
Rigid expectations about sexual activity can sometimes place too much pressure on one or both partners, leaving you with a sense of awkwardness and dissatisfaction. When you’re setting aside time in the bedroom, you may want to do so without the expectation that it will lead to sexual intercourse every time. Starting with activities like cuddling, stroking, kissing, and massaging each other can help you build intimacy in a natural, relaxed way.
Get healthy
Healthy lifestyle habits may make it easier to get in the mood. For example, regular physical exercise may directly improve libido while alleviating some of the health problems that can contribute to erectile dysfunction and lack of pleasure. Eating nutrient-rich foods, getting plenty of sleep, and reducing alcohol and tobacco use could have similar effects.
Mental health care for intimacy problems in marriage
Resolving the difficulties that have diminished your intimacy with your spouse may be easier with help from a professional. This could mean consulting a marriage and family therapist or a sex therapist and working with them as a couple. Seeking individual assistance could also help if challenges like depression impact your sexual satisfaction.
Online therapy can be a useful way to get help with relationship difficulties. Many couples find attending sessions over the internet more convenient since it often allows for more options when it comes to timing, which can be helpful when you must work around both partners’ schedules.
While there’s not yet much research into web-based therapy for intimacy issues, evidence suggests that they can provide relief. For example, in a 2022 study of women who had received online cognitive behavioral therapy or mindfulness-based interventions for low sexual desire, most participants reported positive effects on their libido and satisfaction with the help they received.
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