Reigniting Romantic Passion: How To Bring Intimacy Back Into A Relationship

The loss of intimacy in a romantic relationship can be challenging for both partners. Although sex and passion aren’t the only things that matter in a partnership, their absence can leave you sensing you are unwanted, frustrated, and disconnected from the person you love. However, if both parties are committed to working on the problem with patience and mutual respect, you can often rekindle passion and recover a satisfying sex life. We’ll discuss what the field of psychology has learned about the foundations of romantic intimacy and how it can be reawakened when it seems to be gone.

This process may involve learning how to find connection again in multiple areas of your relationship. Emotional vulnerability, honest communication, physical affection, and quality time together can all make a difference in your ability to achieve sexual intimacy. Working on your own physical and mental health may also help, as problems ranging from cardiovascular disease to internalized shame and depression may contribute to intimacy issues. Many of the factors that can restore intimacy can also help you build a stronger relationship overall. If you’re having trouble fostering intimacy on your own, working with a licensed couples therapist may be beneficial.

Why does intimacy go away in relationships?

For a loving couple with fond memories of the early days of their relationship, it can be confusing to realize that the spark seems to have gone out. How can you have gone from craving each other’s presence and touch to becoming detached and uninterested?

While it’s typical for some of the urgent, addiction-like passion of a new relationship to diminish as time goes by, many couples retain a satisfying amount of physical intensity and passionate romantic love through decades of marriage or partnership. If the intimacy between you seems to have vanished entirely, it can be a sign of a larger issue. 

Some of the issues above can reinforce each other and contribute to an intimacy-destroying downward spiral. For instance, one person may experience a lack of sexual desire related to fatigue, which can lead them to experience insecurity and shame. If the other person responds with anger, entitlement, or resentment, this may further decrease their partner’s interest in intimacy — and drive a larger wedge between the two. 

What can you do to bring back intimacy?

The journey back to a satisfying physical relationship may look different for every couple. However, many people find success with a combination of the following approaches.

Get healthy

Poor physical health can contribute to problems with both sexual desire and sexual performance. Many of the specific conditions that may get in the way of intimacy can be linked to unhealthy lifestyle choices, such as eating habits that are low in nutrients and a lack of exercise. 

As such, you and your partner may be able to reverse your decline in intimacy by adopting healthier habits. Examples include the following:

Exercise regularly

A 2017 research review noted that “even small bouts of exercise can drastically improve sexual functioning.” There may be several reasons for this. Getting more physical activity can improve your self-esteem, increase mood-enhancing endorphins, and counteract physical conditions that can interfere with healthy arousal. 

Eat nutrient-rich foods

Eating more nutritious food can be another way to improve your relationship’s level of physical intimacy. Several studies have found evidence that balanced eating habits and weight loss may contribute to a more functional and satisfying sex life. 

Get plenty of sleep

Fatigue resulting from poor sleep habits can diminish your libido. Sleeplessness can also contribute to stress and irritability, which may lead to fights that can disrupt emotional intimacy between you and your partner. Sticking to a regular sleep and wake time often helps. 

Talk with a doctor

In some cases, a deficit in sexual performance, desire, or pleasure could be a symptom of a more serious medical disorder or a side effect of a prescription medication. Consulting with a physician might help you identify other issues underlying your difficulties in the bedroom. 

Work on your communication

When you’re still swept up in “new relationship energy,” you may be able to connect in the bedroom based solely on mutual sexual attraction. In a lasting relationship, remaining sexually intimate may require an emotional connection. Researchers have repeatedly found evidence that emotional intimacy can be linked with sexual desire in long-term couples, regardless of gender. 

Your intimate life may benefit if you can both practice being more emotionally vulnerable — talking to each other about your feelings, even difficult ones like anger, sadness, hurt, shame, or loneliness. You may also need to practice responding with empathy when your partner shares their feelings, rather than dismissing, minimizing, criticizing, or blaming them. 

One simple but potentially effective way to improve your communication as a couple is to emphasize how you feel when discussing problems in your relationship, rather than focusing on your partner’s behavior. Saying, “I feel this when you do this,” can be more productive than saying, “You always do this!”

Prioritize quality time

A significant challenge for many couples can be finding time to connect as a couple amid the mundane pressures of daily life. Building quality time with your partner into your schedule can help you recover the sense of closeness you may have lost. 

This can include overtly romantic activities like date nights or cuddle sessions, as well as fun activities that can help you bond in platonic ways. Some research suggests that trying new things together — especially things that challenge you, excite you, and expand your experience of the world — may be particularly helpful for sustaining passionate love in the long run. 

Practice physical intimacy

Some couples who haven’t been intimate in a long time may fall out of the habit of connecting physically. You may need to get comfortable simply touching each other again before you can return to a satisfying sex life. 

This can involve making a point of incorporating affectionate touch into your daily lives. You might try hugging your partner, stroking their hair, kissing their forehead, or resting your head on their shoulder. Expressions of physical desire, such as running a hand over their body or giving an appreciative look while watching them get dressed, can also be helpful if your partner has expressed that they believe they are unwanted or unattractive.

Another potentially helpful step is to set aside time for close but non-sexual physical intimacy. Things like laying together with your foreheads touching or cuddling naked with no expectation of sex can help you overcome a sense of awkwardness or distance. You can use this opportunity to have heart-to-heart discussions, practicing emotional vulnerability and physical touch at the same time. 

Schedule sexual activity

This idea may not sound very romantic, but putting sex on the calendar may be more effective than waiting for it to happen spontaneously. Many couples wind up frustrated because they try to fit intimacy into their spare time, meaning it can constantly get pushed aside by other priorities. Others may run into an issue where one partner initiates sex at inopportune times, such as when the other person is exhausted after a taxing shift at work. 

Agreeing on specific times for sexual intimacy can help with both obstacles while clearly establishing it as a priority in your relationship. In addition, many couples find that regularly engaging in sexual activity can improve their comfort, libido, and pleasure in the bedroom, even if they aren’t enthusiastic about it at first. Research suggests that prescribed sexual activity can be an effective way to improve sexual satisfaction.

This strategy may work best if you don’t place strict limits on how you connect sexually during this time. Instead of pressuring yourselves to have full-blown sexual intercourse each time you meet in bed, you can use your scheduled time for erotic play and experimentation. Discussing your desires, preferences, and fantasies can also improve the experience — open communication can be a significant component of sexual satisfaction. 

Seek expert help

A licensed mental health professional may be able to help your efforts to restore intimacy in several ways: 

• Offering an outside perspective to help you recognize negative relationship patterns
• Creating a safe, supportive environment for sharing your feelings
• Suggesting evidence-based techniques for strengthening your connection
• Sharing insights from the psychology of love, sex, and relationships

What type of counselor can help you restore intimacy?

Different areas of specialization may be appropriate for different issues. For example, a sex therapist can be helpful if you’re struggling with feelings of shame or fear around sex, or if you and your partner are having trouble achieving mutual arousal and pleasure. 

A relationship counselor or marriage and family therapist (MFT) might be most effective at resolving relationship problems and communication issues. Individual therapy from a mental health professional can be useful when psychological challenges like depression or trauma are hampering your intimacy. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Repairing intimacy may be easier when you’re mentally healthy

Get in touch with a licensed therapist online

Online therapy for intimacy troubles

If a busy and stressful schedule is part of what’s pushing you and your partner apart, making time for counseling as well as intimacy may seem challenging. Getting help online might make this easier — internet-based therapy often allows for more convenience and flexibility in terms of timing. 

Research has begun to confirm the benefits of online relationship therapy. A 2022 study compared outcomes for couples getting treatment in person or by videoconferencing and found them equally effective at improving relationship satisfaction and mental health. Online therapy could be a valuable source of assistance as you try to rekindle intimacy with your partner.