Sex Vs. Intimacy: How They Differ And Why They Both Matter

Some couples mistake intimacy for sex in romantic relationships. While these topics are closely linked, they differ in several ways, and both can be important to the relationship's health. Understanding the difference between sex and intimacy and how they both matter may help you maintain or improve your relationship or learn more about how to form healthy relationships in the future. 

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is a sense of closeness that develops between two people in a relationship. There are multiple types of intimacy, but three that are commonly associated with romantic love are emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and sexual intimacy.

Emotional intimacy

Physical intimacy

Sex is a form of physical intimacy, but there are other types, too. Any physical touch or closeness between bodies can be considered physical intimacy, including kissing, hugging, sitting next to one another, cuddling, and holding hands. While generally not regarded as sexual, these other forms of physical touch can also help in creating intimacy in a relationship.

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy is a form of physical intimacy that includes any sexual contact, like foreplay, intercourse, or oral sex. Not all sex is intimate; you may have great sex without intimacy. In a romantic relationship, sexual intimacy is sex that also involves deep feelings of affection and closeness. 

Sex vs. intimacy

The interplay of sex and intimacy can be complicated. Intimacy is not necessarily required for good sex, and sex may not be required for intimacy. Sex is often seen as a physical act that results in arousal, desire, and pleasure. However, some couples might not enjoy sex unless the act involves intimacy. 

In a relationship, sex is often thought of as an intimate act due to the connection between partners, but sex can also be impersonal and disconnected, even in committed relationships. This connection can focus more on physical pleasure than physical and emotional connections. For example, couples can have sex regularly without experiencing an intimate connection with one another, or they may lose the desire for sexual intimacy while still being emotionally connected.

Why both sex and intimacy can be necessary

For some couples, sex and intimacy may be necessary to build and maintain a connection and to remain satisfied in the relationship. Intimacy and sex can significantly intertwine. For example, some research has found that, in long-term relationships, higher levels of intimacy are associated with higher levels of sexual desire.

Can you have an intimate relationship without sex?

Whether a couple experiences an intimate relationship without sex depends on the couple. Some may be satisfied in a no-sex or low-sex relationship. For example, people who identify as asexual might have deep intimacy with their partner in other ways, without sexual attraction. For asexual people or those who have had low or no sexual intimacy in their relationships from the start, a happy, fulfilling, committed relationship without sex may be possible. 

Problems can arise when the level of sexual intimacy or the amount of sex in a relationship changes and one or both partners are no longer satisfied with these aspects of the relationship. So, while an intimate relationship without sex is possible, this dynamic may be best when an element of the relationship that both partners are satisfied with, whatever that may mean to them.

How intimacy and sex affect mental health

Having an emotional connection and physical connection in a sexual sense with your partner can benefit your mental health. For example, one 2021 study has found that those who were sexually active during the COVID-19 lockdowns experienced less anxiety and depression. In this sample, those who were sexually active were typically spending lockdown with their spouse or a cohabiting partner.

Some research has found that relationships may have a more significant effect on mental health than mental health has on relationships. A 2017 study looking at the connections between relationships and mental health found that more committed relationships are associated with more significant mental health benefits, and while improving relationships benefits the mental health of the individual partners, improving individual health did not have the same effect on relationships.

How to improve intimacy in your relationship

If you are looking for ways to improve intimacy in your relationship, there are multiple strategies you can try. 

Share your feelings

Some people experience challenges in being vulnerable by sharing how they feel. However, sharing your feelings, including your fears, worries, dreams, and excitement, may increase the emotional intimacy between you and your partner. To start, label your base emotion and explain what event may have incited its arrival. 

Shake up your routine

Shake up your routine by trying a new and unexpected activity to keep your relationship interesting. Try going to a new destination for your next trip, learning a new skill together, or trying an activity in the bedroom you’ve never done before. Having new experiences may generate excitement that helps you and your partner become more connected.

Touch one another more

Physical intimacy other than sex may help you and your partner become closer. For example, try holding hands or cuddling when sitting next to one another or holding them for a long hug when you get home from work. If you aren’t one for physical affection, even “minor” gestures like holding hands or putting your hand on your partner’s shoulder in public can be helpful ways to connect. 

Schedule sex

While scheduling sex may seem unromantic, making time for this type of physical intimacy makes it a priority and may help you get in the mindset to be focused on one another. When you get into a regularly scheduled routine for sex, you may also find that you are more open to spontaneous sex. Ensure both partners are on board and comfortable with scheduled sex, and make sure both of you can say “no” to sex, even when the act was scheduled. 

When to get professional help

If you are in a relationship without intimacy, you might consider seeking professional help. Sex and intimacy can be affected by many factors, including mental health problems, low self-esteem, age, or medication. Talking to a therapist may help you get to the root of what is causing a lack of intimacy in your relationship and help you develop strategies to overcome these challenges. 

Support options 

If you’re having intimacy problems in your relationship, you might be embarrassed to seek in-person counseling in your area. If you face barriers to this support, consider online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Challenges with intimacy and sex can be difficult to talk about, and some people may be more comfortable sharing in an online format than face-to-face. With an online platform, you can work with a qualified mental health professional from home. 

Often, clients are matched with a therapist within 48 hours of signing up, and they can change providers at any time for no fee. In addition, you and your partner can attend the same session from different locations, which may be helpful in a long-distance relationship. In addition to being convenient, research has found that online therapy is effective. For example, one review of 14 studies found that online therapy was as effective as in-person treatment.