Sexual Intimacy: How Sexual Desire And Emotional Closeness Merge

The phrase “sexual intimacy” can be interpreted in various ways. Some people may think of sexual intimacy as any sexual activity, regardless of the relationship between the participants. For them, sexual intimacy could refer to sex within a monogamous and intimate relationship or sex that is more casual and not associated with any emotional connection. 

For others, sexual intimacy may refer to a specific type of sexual act, one that involves emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. To be sexually intimate can mean engaging in sexual activity with a person with whom one is close and emotionally connected. Although the definition can change, framing sexual intimacy as a combination of emotional and physical intimacy can be a clear way to understand the multiple dimensions of this type of intimacy.  

The physical and mental health benefits linked to intimate sex

Having sex with someone with whom you have nurtured an emotional connection may improve physical, mental, and sexual health, as well as relationship satisfaction. Non-intimate sex is not necessarily problematic and can involve intimacy for some people, too. Below are positive associations of emotional and sexual intimacy that might occur within or outside a monogamous romantic relationship. 

Physical health benefits of sexual intimacy

Mental health benefits of sexual intimacy

Sex can also improve mental health, including in the following ways: 

• A release of higher levels of the “feel good” hormones, including dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin
• Lower risk of depression
• Boosted mood
• Improved sense of overall well-being
• Higher self-esteem
• Release of endorphins (as sex is a form of exercise), which can decrease anxiety
• Lower levels of anger and irritability
• Reduced stress
• Decreased loneliness and isolation

Relationship health benefits of sexual intimacy

Relationship benefits of sexual intimacy might include the following: 

• An increased probability that partners may speak up for what they want in sexual situations, including types of touch and communication and sexual intensity levels
• A higher likeliness of engaging in regular sex
• A sense of being closer to each other and more comfortable together
• Higher levels of relationship satisfaction
• The ability to relax during sex, which can increase sexual pleasure and decrease anxieties about sexual performance
• Decreased probability of weaponizing sex or using it as a wedge within a relationship
• Higher likelihood of cuddling after sex
• Increased sexual desire

How to achieve intimacy in your sexual relationship

Building sexual intimacy in a relationship can be challenging for some couples. Even people who have been together for years may go through periods where they are not connecting as well in the bedroom. There are a number of steps you can take to attempt to improve levels of sexual intimacy with your partner, including the following. 

Take steps to reduce overall stress 

Sexual intimacy may require significant energy, both physically and emotionally. If other areas of your life are causing you significant stress, you might notice changes in your ability to show up for your partner. When rebuilding your sexual connection, you might first identify whether you are experiencing stress and what might be activating your stress response.

While addressing the root cause of stress can be beneficial, stress is, to a certain extent, an inevitable part of life. You might not find it possible or appropriate to eliminate stressors. However, if stress is taking a toll on your sex life, focusing on self-care could be helpful. 

Core components of self-care include eating nutritious foods, engaging in regular exercise, spending time with your social support system, and avoiding harmful habits like smoking cigarettes or drinking too much alcohol. Participating in hobbies that make you happy, journaling, and taking time for yourself can also be aspects of a self-care routine to reduce stress. 

Consider focusing on other forms of intimacy

If you and your partner have difficulty connecting sexually, other parts of your relationship might also benefit from attention. Working on increasing intimacy in other areas and seeing if you have a shift in focus may improve your sex life, as well. 

For some people, sexual intimacy is connected to spiritual intimacy. Some religious traditions discourage sexual activity before a certain level of spiritual intimacy has been achieved, often symbolized by a religious marriage ceremony. However, even if neither you nor your partner is a practicing member of such a religion, emphasizing spiritual intimacy in other ways could help to bring the two of you closer and potentially improve your sex life. Connecting spiritually could involve discussing your belief systems and values, which may forge a stronger bond between you two that can translate into better communication in several areas of your relationship, including sexually. 

You might also try increasing physical intimacy in ways that are not sexual. Spending more time cuddling, holding hands, or touching in another non-sexualized manner could help you physically relax more around each other. Additionally, physical intimacy is associated with a number of the benefits of sexual intimacy described above. 

Speak to a mental health professional

In some cases, external stressors or internal maladaptive relationship patterns may seem too complex for two people to address independently. In these situations, individuals may find it helpful to talk to a licensed counselor for help in alleviating concerns related to sexual intimacy. However, some individuals might feel ashamed when talking about sex and their sex lives. If embarrassment or awkwardness prevents you from connecting meaningfully with a therapist on this topic, you may consider online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. 

Therapy in a virtual format may be more comfortable for some people, encouraging them to be more open to engaging with subjects that can bring up intense feelings of guilt or shame. With online therapy through an accredited service, clients can choose how they would like to communicate with their therapists, whether face-to-face in a video chat, over the phone, or through in-app messaging. In addition, they can access unique resources like support groups. 

Research has found that online therapy can have similar outcomes as traditional in-person therapy when addressing a range of mental health concerns, including those related to relationships and sexual intimacy issues. One study found that couples therapy that took place in an online setting had similar rates of increased relationship satisfaction and intimacy levels as in-person couples therapy.