The Pyramid Of Intimacy: Tips For Deepening Emotional Connections

In any relationship, building intimacy can help bring people together and help them feel safe and cared for. Intimacy is often thought of as something that only characterizes romantic relationships, but friends, family members, and other close connections also can and do build intimacy. Here, we’ll primarily focus on intimacy in romantic relationships.

To understand how true intimacy works, it can be helpful to think of it as a pyramid where a connection is based on a solid foundation of safe and honest communication. The idea of a pyramid of intimacy is that, over time, two people can build on the foundation of communication to create intimacy. Below, we’ll take a look at what intimacy is, how to think about it as a pyramid, and how to become more intimate with someone you love.   

More than sex: understanding true intimacy

Developing intimacy involves creating a safe environment where both parties feel comfortable being vulnerable and are supportive of one another. In any relationship, those involved may experience many different types of intimacy, which can also change over time.  

Types of true intimacy

To increase intimacy with your partner, it may be beneficial to first understand the different types of intimacy. Some types include:

• Emotional intimacy. This form of intimacy is when two people become close to one another through sharing feelings openly and honestly and developing empathy and trust.
• Physical intimacy. Examples of physical intimacy include hugging, kissing, holding hands, and other touch-based forms of affection. For couples, sexual intimacy can be a type of physical intimacy that they may engage in. 
• Intellectual intimacy. Feeling comfortable sharing a stimulating conversation, expressing your opinion, or discussing your way of thinking can be considered intellectual intimacy. It can help you understand how the other person thinks, which can bring you closer. 
• Experiential intimacy. One way to develop intimacy is through shared experiences. These could include overcoming challenges together or sharing major life events, such as traveling or participating in a hobby. 
• Spiritual intimacy. For some, having a shared spiritual perspective or faith can create a type of intimacy where you grow closer to someone through spirituality. 

The role of sex and sexual intimacy in a relationship

As mentioned earlier, intimacy is not always related to sex, and sexual intimacy can be considered to be a subset of physical intimacy. That said, sexual intimacy can play a large role in developing or maintaining overall intimacy in many romantic couples. For them, having sex may increase connectedness and show vulnerability, which can increase intimacy. 

Thinking about intimacy as a pyramid

It may be helpful to think of intimacy as a pyramid. In an intimacy pyramid, the foundation is open and honest communication. This base supports the layers above—communication, safety, trust, and openness—which, together, form a sense of intimacy. When two people can communicate with one another, it may increase feelings of security and allow for deeper and more empathetic conversations. As people then get closer to each other, they may develop stronger feelings of trust and a vulnerable openness, which can lead to intimacy. 

The key to understanding this pyramid is that if any of the foundational elements or lower levels of the pyramid fail, it may negatively impact intimacy as a whole. So when issues arise in a relationship, it can be helpful to focus on areas of the pyramid where you see challenges and work together to strengthen those places. While this work can be difficult, going through the process itself may even help you and your partner increase intimacy. 

Parts of the intimacy pyramid: communication, safety, trust, and openness

The parts of the intimacy pyramid from bottom to top include communication, safety, trust, and openness. To increase intimacy, it can be necessary to ensure that the other four levels are solid. 

Engaging in honest and open communication can be essential for any relationship to become intimate. Strong communication can include advocating for your wants and needs while also listening to the other person and showing curiosity and empathy for their wants and needs. When two people communicate well, both parties may feel safe in advocating for themselves, which means that they may feel an increase in trust and safety. In this way, communication is the foundation of the other layers of the pyramid and of intimacy overall. 

Over time, as individuals in a relationship communicate more, they can build safety and trust and foster comfort with being vulnerable and open with one another. Through this openness and vulnerability, intimacy can grow stronger. Having a strong pyramid can make your relationship more resistant to issues or problems that may arise.  

Creating a strong intimacy pyramid

While creating a strong pyramid may take time, certain activities may help in the process. For couples, these could include things like scheduling routine check-ins where each partner shares their feelings and the other listens, or engaging in activities that require a couple to work together to build trust and improve communication. Note that there is no single way to build intimacy and what works for one couple may not work for another, so it can be important to try different things. 

With so much emphasis placed on communication as a means to develop intimacy, it may also be important to focus on improving communication skills if you’re looking to increase intimacy. Not everyone is naturally gifted at communication, and it may take practice to become a better communicator.

One way to improve communication is by being an active listener. This means listening to the other person to learn more about them and understand their perspective. Active listening may also involve asking questions for clarification and validating the other person’s thoughts verbally or through body language. It may also be important to withhold judgment or opinions unless the other person asks for them. 

Managing intimacy challenges

Challenges or roadblocks to intimacy may happen in any relationship. These could be caused by physical challenges, such as an illness, or emotional challenges, such as trauma. Managing these challenges is something that people may be able to do using the following tips.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Use the pyramid as a guide for intimacy

If you feel like you and your partner are drifting apart or if you’re struggling to maintain feelings of intimacy with them, it may be beneficial to look at the foundation of your pyramid. By working together, or with a couples therapist, you may identify changes that could have triggered a shift in communication, safety, trust, or openness. With this knowledge, you can take steps to improve in that area. 

Reflect and communicate

Engaging in mindful reflection either independently or with your partner can help to pinpoint areas of growth and identify the next steps. You may also practice mindfulness techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or journaling to reflect on your relationship and intimacy levels. Once you have a greater understanding of how you feel and what you need, you can communicate that to your partner and listen to their input as well.

Seeking professional support for relationship challenges

It may seem overwhelming to manage intimacy and create deep and meaningful connections with your partner, but you don’t need to do it alone. Working with a therapist as a couple or individually can be a helpful way to gain new insights on your relationship. Working with a therapist can also be an effective way to build intimacy and improve communication skills.

Getting to regular in-person therapy appointments may be challenging, however, since it involves taking extra time out of your busy day to commute to a provider’s office. With online therapy sessions, in contrast, you can attend from anywhere with an internet connection. This means that you can meet with a licensed therapist from a convenient location without the stress of commuting. Platforms like BetterHelp for individuals and ReGain for couples can allow you to get the support you may need without the hassle of in-office visits, and research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy in many cases.