What Is Asexuality? Understanding Sexuality And Identity
While sexual attraction and sexuality are often conflated, there is a discernible difference between the two. Sexual attraction is often defined by the desire for intimate sexual contact with another. The term "sexuality" refers to a person's identity concerning the gender or genders they are attracted to, as well as the level of their sexual attraction.
The distinction between sexual attraction and sexuality may be especially prevalent regarding asexuality. LGBTQIA+ is an ever-evolving acronym representing the extensive community of people who don't identify as heterosexual, straight, or cisgender. The "A" in LGBTIQA+ stands for "Asexual".Learning more about asexuality may offer a more significant insight into what the asexual community can look like.
What is asexuality?
There are many misconceptions surrounding the ace community. Myths like "asexuality can't exist" or "sexual attraction is a natural part of every adult relationship" may be passed around in communities. In addition, strangers might believe that an asexual person does not or cannot experience intimacy in a romantic or sensual sense.
The Trevor Project, an LGBTQIA+ advocacy organization, explains that asexual people, or "aces," often identify somewhere on a spectrum that includes their emotional, spiritual, and romantic attraction to other people. The organization goes on to explain that love does not equal sex. Sexuality exists on a large spectrum, and many happy, healthy relationships do not involve sex.
Sub-categories of asexuality
In addition to existing on a spectrum, asexuality may be considered an umbrella term that encompasses several sexualities, like the following:
- Demisexual: People who only experience sexual attraction once they form a solid emotional or romantic connection with another person
- Grey-Asexual: People who identify somewhere between sexual and asexual
- Ace-Flux: Those who feel their levels of sexual attraction fluctuate throughout a certain period, potentially feeling sexual attraction at times
An asexual individual may also be aromantic, which means not being able to experience romantic attraction toward someone else. However, some aromantic people are not asexual.
Note that some adults who identify as asexual may participate in or enjoy sex or sexual contact. While many asexual people lack sexual attraction or desire, sexual desire may not be connected to physical enjoyment or a willingness to participate in sex for other reasons.
A person identifying as asexual may use terms like homoromantic, biromantic, heteroromantic, or panromantic to explain their romantic orientation. For example, someone who is homoromantic might only experience romantic attraction to those of the same gender while still being asexual.
How can I tell if I am asexual?
People of any gender, age, or background can identify as asexual. For some people, sexuality exists on a spectrum. Your sexuality is unique and can be defined in any way that makes you feel seen and comfortable.
According to a 2019 survey published by UCLA, 1.7% of adults identify as asexual. If you feel as though you may identify as asexual, it could be beneficial to ask yourself a few questions, such as the following:
- Have I ever felt alienated during conversations about sex with friends?
- Do I pretend to feel sexual attraction to "fit in" with others?
- Have I ever felt that my ability to experience attraction doesn't exist?
- Have I felt bored and unsatisfied during sex?
- Have I felt unsatisfied trying to "spice up" my sex life with a partner?
- Have I ever considered celibacy or abstinence because they seemed preferable?
- Do I avoid sex scenes in TV shows, films, and books?
- Do I feel I don't identify with any other sexuality?
- Have I ever felt unbothered by not having sex for months or years at a time?
- Do I feel like I'm partaking in sex just to please my partner?
- Do I feel like I'd rather participate in any activity other than sex?
- Do I feel annoyed by the amount of sexual advertising or media I see?
- Have I been told by past partners that I don't seem interested in them sexually?
If you answered "yes" to some or all of these questions, you might be asexual. However, it can be beneficial to note that asexuality can exist on a spectrum. If you want to explore your sexuality further, it might be valuable to speak to a licensed professional like a therapist to use coping skills designed for self-reflection.
Counseling options
Asexuality is personal and defined by the individual identifying with the label. Contrary to the myths often surrounding asexuality, identifying as ace is normal, natural, and valid.
If you feel uncertain about your sexuality or are struggling to find acceptance from family, friends, or community, it may help to speak with a therapist. Many online therapy services offer the option to connect with a therapist in the LGBTQIA+ community if you'd like to speak to someone you connect with. Through platforms like BetterHelp, you can express your goals for therapy while signing up and choose between phone, video, or chat sessions, depending on your preference.
Additionally, online therapy offers the capability of participating in therapy from anywhere. Based on current research, online therapy is equally as effective as in-person therapy. In addition to therapy, several trusted resources are available online for those looking to learn more about asexuality, such as The Trevor Project or the Human Rights Campaign.
Takeaway
How do I know if I am asexual?
If you find that you consistently experience little to no sexual attraction to others, and this lack of attraction is not due to medical or mental health issues, you might have an asexual identity. It's often about recognizing a consistent absence of sexual desire rather than a temporary state caused by another condition.
For example, a lack of sexual desire can be caused by factors like hypoactive sexual desire disorder or depression. While the symptoms can be seemingly asexual to some, these conditions can be treatable.
Note that this does not mean asexual individuals have never experienced sexual attraction or had sexual encounters. Graysexuals also sometimes experience fluctuating sexual desire. Likewise, asexuality is not a mental health disorder nor does it require treatment.
What makes someone asexual?
Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation often characterized by a lack of sexual attraction, even in romantic relationships. People who identify as asexual may not experience any sexual attraction or may experience it to a much lesser extent than the general population, only occasionally engaging in sexual activity or desires. Be mindful that people of different sexualities and identities experience varying levels of attraction, and all are valid.
Do Asexuals fall in love?
Yes, asexual individuals can be romantically attracted to another person and fall in love. Romantic attraction is distinct from sexual attraction, and asexuals may form deep emotional connections and engage in romantic relationships without a strong desire for sexual activity. Romantic partnering can and does exist between people who do not engage in sexual behaviors.
Can asexuality be caused by trauma?
Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and is not necessarily caused by trauma. While traumatic experiences can affect one's relationship with sexuality, asexuality is not a disorder or a result of trauma. However, individuals should explore their feelings with the support of mental health professionals if they have concerns or would like help understanding asexuality.
Can you be asexual but still kiss?
Yes, asexuality pertains to sexual attraction, not necessarily to other forms of physical affection. Asexual individuals may still engage in activities like kissing, cuddling, or holding hands with people they feel romantically attracted to. These activities are expressions of intimacy that don't necessarily involve sexual desires.
Can asexuality be cured?
Asexuality is not a disorder, and there is no need for a "cure." It is a valid and natural variation of human sexuality. It's essential to respect and understand people of other sexual orientations without attempting to change them.
How to flirt with an asexual person?
When flirting with an asexual person, it can be important to focus on non-sexual aspects of connection, such as shared interests, emotional connection, and companionship. Open communication about boundaries and preferences is often helpful in understanding and respecting each other's comfort levels.
Am I asexual or traumatized?
It's often beneficial to differentiate between sexual orientation and the impact of trauma. If you have concerns about your feelings or experiences, seeking support from mental health professionals at a local sexual medicine center might help you explore and understand your emotions in a safe and supportive environment.
What age range is asexual?
Asexuality can be recognized at any age. People of various ages may identify as asexual. It's essential to respect and acknowledge diverse sexual orientations and to realize that individuals may come to understand their sexual orientation at different stages of life. Likewise, it isn't necessary to have had sexual partners to discover if you're asexual.
How do I know if I am Graysexual?
Graysexuality is characterized by experiencing sexual attraction infrequently or only under specific circumstances. If you find that your experiences of sexual attraction are limited or fluctuate, you may identify as graysexual or gray asexual. It's a nuanced aspect of the asexual spectrum that acknowledges variability in sexual attraction.
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