What Is Voluntary Celibacy, And Why Might Someone Choose This Option?
With billions of people in the world, different attitudes, beliefs, and preferences toward sex can be common. Some people choose to partake in voluntary celibacy, the informed personal decision not to engage in sexual activity. There are many reasons someone might choose this lifestyle, and understanding these motives can lead to reduced stigma and increased tolerance for others’ choices. If you’re experiencing challenges related to sexuality, consider speaking with a licensed therapist for clarity and support.
What is voluntary celibacy?
For example, some celibate people may refrain from penetrative sex but continue to partake in oral sex. Others might completely abstain from any physical activity that could be seen as sexual, such as kissing or being naked with a partner. What one defines as sexual abstinence can vary, but celibacy is generally associated with no sexual touch whatsoever.
In general, voluntary celibacy is “voluntary” because the person chooses not to partake in sexual activity and is informed about what this choice means for them and their sex life. Involuntary celibacy can occur when outside forces pressure a person to remain celibate against their will, which might happen in some cultures or religions, or when a person desires sex but cannot find someone with whom to be intimate.
Voluntary celibacy is generally considered healthy and can be a way for people to exercise autonomy over their bodies. Those living this lifestyle may rescind this choice at any time.
Reasons someone might choose voluntary celibacy: Priestly celibacy, birth control, trauma, and more
Individuals might choose to engage in voluntary celibacy for many reasons, and this choice can be highly personal. Below are a few potential reasons for voluntary celibacy.
Religious or cultural reasons: Priestly celibacy and other forms of celibacy
Some religious groups encourage celibacy until marriage, including some sectors of Christianity, Islamism, Buddhism, and Judaism. Catholics, Mormons, and Orthodox Jewish people often choose celibacy until marriage, which can also be viewed as temporary abstinence from sex. This choice is often made due to religious beliefs related to purity and the importance of marriage.
Some people take an official vow of celibacy due to their religious status. For example, nuns in the Roman Catholic Church take a religious celibacy vow for life. Priestly celibacy, clerical marriage, and clerical celibacy can be seen as other forms of strict celibacy based on religious traditions. Buddhist monks may also take a vow to remain celibate for life
Not everyone who practices these religions chooses celibacy, and some people may be pressured to do so regardless of their personal desires. The difference between voluntary and involuntary celibacy due to religion or spirituality is whether the person is able to choose for themselves whether they’d like to abstain from sexual activity.
Certain cultures may also emphasize celibacy, including some Hindu cultures. The way sex is viewed in different parts of the world can vary significantly, and some people might choose not to have sex in certain situations due to their cultural upbringings and celibate lifestyles.
Sexual intercourse-related trauma and mental health
People who have experienced sexual trauma in which they have lost autonomy over their bodies may struggle to enjoy safe and consensual sexual encounters in the future. Some people with a traumatic past might choose to stay celibate while they work through this trauma or because they aren’t comfortable with having sex.
Some might choose this option temporarily until they are comfortable enough with a partner to trust them. Studies show that sexual trauma can lead to a loss of interest in sex or the choice not to partake in sex at all.
Personal preference
Some people may not be interested in sex and may choose to be celibate to focus on other areas of life, such as their careers or friendships. A personal preference not to have sex does not necessarily indicate a problem or underlying cause. Everyone is different, and what works for one person might not work for another.
Sexuality
Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone experiences little to no sexual attraction to other people. Some asexual people choose to have sex despite their lack of attraction, while others might choose to abstain and be celibate for life. This choice can be personal. Asexuality itself is not a choice, and an asexual person cannot force themselves to experience sexual attraction.
Disability or mental illness
Some people experience barriers to sex due to physical disability or mental illness. These challenges can contribute to a desire to abstain from sex or to limit sexual activity altogether. Some may not have the physical capability to have sex in traditional ways, so they might choose not to have sex at all. This type of celibacy might be difficult for someone who wishes they could have a more typical sex life. In these cases, sex therapy may be helpful.
To wait for a partner with whom they want to have sex, whether in or out of marriage
Individuals who aren’t comfortable with hookups or casual relationships might choose to be temporarily celibate until they find a partner with whom they’re comfortable having sex. Some people may wait until marriage, while others might wait until they’re in a long-term, healthy, committed relationship.
As a form of birth control
Some people might abstain from sex to avoid getting pregnant. This decision might take into account reproductive rights in their area and the desire to remain child-free. Those who cannot access other forms of birth control, such as those in some developing countries, may also choose to be celibate for this reason.
What are the two types of celibacy?
The two types of celibacy are partial and complete celibacy, defined as follows:
- Partial celibacy: Someone might be partaking in partial celibacy if they are only celibate for a certain amount of time or due to certain conditions, such as not being married yet.
- Complete celibacy: Complete celibacy usually involves making a lifetime commitment to abstaining from sex. This type of celibacy is often seen in religious individuals like nuns and monks, but anyone can choose it for any reason.
Is celibacy in marriage healthy?
Celibacy can be healthy for some married people when it is consensual, voluntary, and informed. Although updated evidence may be needed, one study on women who chose celibacy found that the choice was often associated with positive outcomes, including a reduced risk of physical abuse, smoking, and substance use. Women who chose to be celibate usually had lower scores on the Mental Health Inventory, displaying improved mental wellness.
Celibacy might be unhealthy when it is involuntary. Some people might not be comfortable with being celibate. They may desire to explore their sexuality but lack the knowledge regarding how to do so, potentially due to stereotypes, stigma, and lack of education. In these cases, talking to a sex therapist may be helpful. In therapy, a person can decide whether celibacy is suitable for them and how to approach sex healthily if they want to explore their sexuality.
The mental health impacts of choosing celibacy and involuntary celibacy
Voluntary celibacy is generally considered healthy and may be associated with improved mental and sexual health. However, celibacy resulting from external pressures or involuntarily caused by life circumstances, disability, or mental health may lead to an increased risk of stress, depression, and anxiety. People who identify as involuntary celibates (“incels”) tend to have a higher risk of loneliness, which can lead to social isolation and depression.
There can be some controversy surrounding the term “incel,” as some people might use it as a way to shame others or to fuel negative self-beliefs that one is not “attractive enough” to date or find sexual partners. Those who identify with this label might benefit from speaking to a therapist to understand the underlying beliefs that could cause them difficulty in finding sexual partners.
How to become celibate by choice and navigate relationships and sexual intercourse
If you’re interested in trying celibacy, you’re not alone. Millions of people choose to abstain from sex for various reasons. You don’t have to give justification for your choice, and you can start at any time in life, regardless of your past experiences.
Navigating relationships when practicing celibacy may be difficult, as some partners might not be comfortable in a relationship that involves no sexual activity. Be upfront with people you date about your expectations and boundaries regarding your body and what you are comfortable doing. If you use dating apps, specify that you are celibate and explain what that means to you. Doing so might help you filter out people who are not interested in this type of relationship.
Approximately 1.7% of those who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community identify as asexual and may be comfortable in relationships that don’t involve sex. However, if you’re struggling in a current romantic or sexual relationship or having trouble finding a partner, you might benefit from talking to a therapist about these challenges.
Finding mental health support
Sexual intimacy challenges can be common, and therapy is an evidence-based option for working through these difficulties. Whether you are struggling to find a sexual partner, have experienced sexual trauma, are navigating relationships while practicing celibacy, or are experiencing a mental health challenge, talking to a therapist can help you find healthy ways forward.
If you struggle to find a therapist in your area, you might consider online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Online couples therapy is often offered at the same price as individual therapy and can be significantly less expensive than in-person couples therapy, which is not always covered by insurance.
In addition, online platforms usually offer a choice between phone, video, and live chat sessions, giving clients control over how they receive support. This may be helpful for those who aren’t comfortable with face-to-face discussions about sex.
Studies suggest that online therapy can be effective. In one study of online couples therapy, many participants reported that online therapy was more effective for them than face-to-face therapy due to the perceived distance between themselves and their therapist, which increased their comfort levels when discussing personal topics.
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