Why A Lack Of Sexual Intimacy May Happen In A Romantic Relationship

If you are experiencing challenges related to sexual intimacy in your romantic relationship, you’re not alone. According to a 2018 study, 15.6% of married participants reported not having sex for a year before the survey; 13.6% reported not having sex for five years or more. 

Every relationship is different, and intimacy can mean different things to different people. Some couples may feel they have a healthy relationship with limited or no sexual intimacy, while others may consider sex an important part of their connection.

Types of intimacy in a relationship

When people refer to intimacy in a romantic relationship, they’re often talking about sexual intimacy. While we’ll focus on that in this article, it’s important to note that there are actually several different types of intimacy that can characterize a given relationship—including intellectual, experiential, and spiritual—all of which can be equally important depending on the needs and preferences of each individual involved. When it comes to romantic relationships in particular, two types of intimacy that are often talked about the most are emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. 

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy means having feelings of closeness and security with your partner. When you feel emotionally connected and supported, you may be more likely to open up about your hopes, dreams, feelings, and fears.

Signs of emotional intimacy in a relationship include feeling safe sharing your concerns, knowing you can talk to your significant other without judgment, being genuinely interested in your partner’s feelings and experiences, and being able to feel empathy for your partner.

Physical intimacy

Many people confuse physical intimacy with sex. In actuality, sex is just one type of physical intimacy. Physical intimacy can also include non-sexual contact like hugging, sitting closely next to one another, holding hands, or adjusting someone’s clothing for them. These types of physical intimacy can occur in many relationships—not just romantic relationships. 

Sexual intimacy is another type of physical intimacy that may occur between people in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. It can include various sexual acts, massaging, kissing, and other types of intimate physical touch.

What can cause a lack of intimacy?

A decrease in sexual intimacy in a relationship can be caused by various factors. Some examples include the following.

Communication challenges

When partners face challenges communicating, it can cause emotional distance and affect their emotional and sexual intimacy. These communication challenges can be related to other aspects of the relationship, or they can center on being uncomfortable talking about sex.

Life transitions

Sexual desire can decrease as a person focuses on working through different life challenges, like financial issues, job changes, grief, or childbirth. During times of high stress, people may focus more on managing their anxiety and other emotions than sexual intimacy.

Age

Sexual intimacy can also be affected by age. Studies suggest that many older couples may find greater satisfaction in their sex lives, but aging can also bring about physical changes that interfere with sexual pleasure. 

As we age, many things about our bodies change. Some people may not feel comfortable in their aging bodies or may worry that they are no longer attracted to their partners, or vice versa. Others may experience physical problems that can make intimacy challenging, including vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction, and various effects of menopause. These changes can make sexual activity less enjoyable and even painful, which can lead to a lack of this type of physical intimacy.

Mental health challenges

Some mental health challenges may also have a connection to a lack of sexual desire. Some of these can include post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or personality disorders. Some mental health treatments—such as certain types of medication—have also been linked to lower sexual drive and/or sexual dysfunction. Finally, people who have a history of sexual assault or abuse may also have a more difficult time being intimate with their partners, particularly if this trauma has not been addressed.

Can you have a romantic relationship without sex?

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy relationship or marriage without sex. For example, people who identify as asexual may not experience sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. This does not mean that they can’t have a romantic attraction to or relationship with other people—just that this attraction does not typically have a sexual component. 

It’s also possible for partners who both have a low sex drive to rarely or never have sex. Or, a couple could have a non-monogamous relationship in which they have sex with other people but not with each other. In other words, a lack of sexual intimacy in a romantic relationship is only a problem if one or more parties is unsatisfied.

While some people may feel fulfilled in a low- or no-sex romantic relationship, problems can arise if the level of intimacy has changed significantly over time and if one partner is no longer satisfied with the amount and type of intimacy in a relationship. In such cases, open communication in order to get to the root of the shift and come up with potential solutions is usually necessary. 

Effects of a lack of intimacy on relationships and mental health

If there was once sexual intimacy or more sexual intimacy, a lack of it in a romantic relationship can have many effects on the bond and the individuals, including the following: 

• Communication issues. When partners feel that they can’t connect on the level that they would like, they may find it more difficult to communicate, which can leave many issues unaddressed.
• Loneliness. If a relationship no longer has the intimacy it once did, partners may feel isolated or lonely, which can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety or depression. A lack of physical or emotional intimacy may even cause partners to question why they are in the relationship.
• Self-esteem issues. When one partner is no longer interested in sexual intimacy, it can affect the other partner’s self-esteem. They may feel that something is wrong with them or that they’re not good enough, which can result in low self-confidence and begin to affect other areas of their lives.

How to bring intimacy back to your love life

There are some things that couples can try to bring intimacy back into their relationships, such as:

• Increase your physical contact outside of the bedroom. Nonsexual physical intimacy may help increase the connection between you and your partner, which can help foster sexual intimacy. For example, you might hold hands or cuddle on the couch when you’re watching TV, kiss each other hello and goodbye, and stop and give one another hugs throughout the day. These small physical acts may help you feel more connected and could enhance your desire for sexual intimacy.
• Talk about your needs. Communicating honestly about your sexual and emotional needs may be difficult, but it can help you and your partner improve your emotional connection and your sex life.
• Try something new. Talk to your partner about what you like and dislike and any new things you want to explore. Finding ways to spice things up—like reading a book about sex or buying a new sex toy—may help keep things interesting.
• Schedule time to be intimate. Scheduling sex may not seem very romantic, but carving out this time with your partner can be an effective way to prioritize this part of your relationship.

Getting professional support for relationship challenges

A lack of intimacy in a relationship can be difficult to work through alone. If you need help figuring out why the level of intimacy in your relationships has changed or you don’t know how to broach this topic with your partner, you might seek out the support of a therapist. Working with this type of care provider can help you identify your needs, build emotional intimacy, and strengthen your relationship. 

Both individual and couples therapy may help you learn how to improve communication and work through any issues that may be leading to stress or anxiety around intimacy. Intimacy issues can be difficult to talk about face-to-face, which is one reason why online therapy can be a more comfortable option for people who want to address problems with intimacy in their relationships.

When you sign up for an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals (or ReGain for couples), you can talk to a qualified mental health professional remotely from the comfort of your home. Most people are matched with a therapist within 48 hours of signing up, and you can change providers at any time as needed until you find one who is a good fit for you.

Research suggests that online therapy can be effective in many cases. For example, findings from one study of 300 couples indicate that online therapy significantly improved relationship quality, satisfaction, and confidence, increased individual overall quality of life, and decreased symptoms of anxiety and depression.