“Why Does My Boyfriend Have No Desire For Intimacy?” Exploring Possible Reasons
When a partner in a romantic relationship loses interest in sexual intimacy, it can become a frustrating and worrisome situation for all parties involved. If you're feeling distressed about the topic, "My boyfriend has no desire for intimacy," you could be concerned because your partner is lacking in sexual desire, a desire to be closely emotionally connected, or both.
There are many different reasons a person might not have or might lose interest in sexual intimacy. Although you generally can’t know which of these may be affecting your partner until you ask them, considering some of the most likely possibilities may help equip you to approach the conversation. Read on to learn about some of these.
A natural lack of interest in sex
Sometimes, a lack of interest in sex or romantic intimacy indicates a problem or an obstacle to be addressed, but this isn’t always the case. Research suggests that up to 4% of people are asexual, which means they feel little or no sexual attraction to others—though many asexual individuals still desire emotional intimacy and romantic relationships. Asexuality is a valid identity, not a disorder. While there’s nothing to be “fixed” about an asexual person, sharing this identity can be important for ensuring all parties in a relationship are able to get their needs met.
Discussing your partner's sex drive or lack of interest in sex
If you suspect your partner might be asexual, approaching the topic broadly and delicately can be important. People who are asexual may have already been made to feel like something is "wrong" with them by past partners or the broader culture. These sexual and relationship orientations aren't yet widely understood by the general public, and there is still significant stigma against them.
Asking gentle, careful questions, refraining from labeling him, and allowing your boyfriend to speak freely without judging him can help you both identify the potential reason for his lack of interest in sex. If he is asexual, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him or your relationship, or that his lack of desire for sexual intimacy is a problem that needs to be fixed. That said, if you are allosexual—meaning you desire sexual intimacy—and your partner does not, having honest discussions about what you both envision this looking like in your relationship can be important.
Naturally low libido or sex drive
Among people who have a sex drive, there is a wide range in terms of how often they may want to have sex. A person's libido can be majorly influenced by a variety of factors, including culture, religion, body image, tiredness, the relationship, illnesses, hormonal changes, age, medications, and more. Sexual desire can also fluctuate over time as these factors change.
Sometimes, one person in a romantic couple feels like their partner has no desire for intimacy—when in actuality, there is a mismatch between sex drives. If you feel like your partner has no desire for intimacy, you might start by reflecting on whether or not that is objectively true. Do they never want to be sexually intimate, or do they want to be sexually intimate less often than you would prefer?
Open communication can go a long way in helping a couple determine whether or not their sex drives are mismatched as well as what to do if they are. If these conversations feel difficult, a couples therapist may be able to help partners identify what a healthy sex life might look like for them given each partner's unique sexual needs.
An unsatisfactory sex life
Sometimes people find their sex drives wane because they aren't excited by their current sex life, or because they or their partner aren't able to perform sexually in the way they want to or once could. For example, if your boyfriend experiences erectile dysfunction, he may feel shame and anxiety about it, even if it's mild or treatable. His dissatisfaction with the type of sex he can have now compared to what he used to or wants to have may lead him to stop pursuing sex altogether for a period of time.
Factors like children, work stress, and a lack of alone time can impact a couple's sex life for the worse, too. A person may also feel unsatisfied with their sex life because they aren't having sex as frequently as they would like or aren’t having the types of sex they would find most interesting. With time, this dissatisfaction could lead to a lack of desire or a withdrawal from their sex life. Or, couples may experience dissatisfaction with their sex lives in their 50s and 60s as their bodies and sex drives change. Finding ways to continue to have a satisfying sex life while navigating these changes is often possible, but it typically requires regular, open communication between partners.
Poor sex-related communication
Healthy sexual communication typically involves openly discussing when each person in the relationship does and doesn't feel sexual desire as well as their preferences when it comes to different sexual activities. Sexual communication can also involve sharing about past sexual experiences and sex-related values and attitudes. Being able to talk about both the positives and negatives related to sex on a frequent basis generally indicates that a couple has good sexual communication.
Mental health disorders
A variety of mental health disorders can impact a person's sex drive. Sometimes the lower sex drive comes not only from the disorder itself, but also from medications taken to treat it, like antidepressants.
Multiple mental illnesses have been linked to sexual dysfunction, including a lack of desire for sex, such as:
However, it's important to remember that not everyone experiencing low libido has a mental illness, and not everyone experiencing a mental illness on this list will experience sexual problems.
Low self-esteem and sex
People who experience low self-esteem, whether as part of a mental illness or on its own, may also find their desire for sex waning. Having higher self-esteem has been linked to having a better sex life. Self-esteem involves feeling good about oneself and one’s ability to do things, which could include looking attractive to a partner or having sex that a partner finds pleasurable. If your partner feels insecure about their body or unconfident in their ability to please you in bed, their sex drive could decrease as a result.
Physical health disorders
As with mental health disorders, physical health disorders also often impact a person's sex drive. Sometimes, illnesses directly impact a person's hormones or physical ability to have sex. In other cases, an illness causes fatigue or pain that reduces sex drive. Medications or other treatments can also have the side effect of impacting a desire for sex.
Multiple illnesses and disorders have been linked to sexual dysfunction or a reduced sex drive, such as:
- Diabetes
- Obesity
- High blood pressure
- Metabolic syndrome
- Thyroid disorders
- Erectile dysfunction
- Heart disease
- High cholesterol
- Alcohol use disorder
- Neurological disorders
- Kidney failure
- Cancer
- Low testosterone
Fear of intimacy
While we've mostly focused here on a partner lacking a desire for sexual intimacy, sometimes people appear to lack desire for emotional intimacy as well, often due to fear. Sometimes people fear intimacy because they fear being hurt if the relationship were to end. A person may also fear making themselves vulnerable and being rejected by their partner or a potential partner. It’s also possible to have an insecure attachment style or past experiences of trauma that could contribute to difficulties with emotional intimacy.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Communication may help you figure out if your partner is distant because they truly do not desire intimacy, or if they crave intimacy but act distant because they also fear it. While you can’t force someone to overcome their fears of intimacy, you may be better able to understand how they act in a relationship with this information.
When to seek therapy for relationship challenges
Your partner's lack of desire for intimacy may or may not be something that you can work on together. Attending therapy together could help in the process of identifying the root of the problem and addressing it. Attending therapy as individuals could also be helpful in allowing you each to express your emotions on the topic and identify your own key needs and desires within the relationship.
Remote therapy in particular is an option many people find appealing because it allows you to attend sessions from the comfort of home—no commuting required. BetterHelp for individuals and ReGain for couples are remote therapy platforms that can match you with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have an internet connection. Research suggests that online therapy can often offer similar benefits to in-person therapy.
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