How And Why To Choose Love Every Day
As with many positive behaviors, the habit of love can be built up through small everyday actions. When you opt for generosity and kindness despite not feeling generous or kind, you could be making that choice a little bit easier the next time. This article will suggest some simple but effective ways to choose love every day.
What Does It Mean To Choose Love?
It can sometimes be hard to see love as a choice because the word “love” can be used in many different ways. Sometimes it simply means a strong preference, such as when we say “I love this band!” Other times, it means the deep affection and care that we feel for families or lifelong friends. Often, it means the dizzying, head-over-heels feeling of attraction that hits us in the early stages of a relationship.However, “love” can also refer to a pattern of behavior rather than an emotion. It can mean the kind, caring actions we take toward others. Sometimes it means doing things that are difficult or even dangerous to keep the people we care about happy and safe. In this sense, love is a choice we make, rather than something that happens to us.
Some researchers have defined theories of romantic love that account for these many meanings. For example, the Quadruple Framework identifies attraction as only one of four key ingredients in love. The others are connection, trust, and respect, all of which can be strengthened by loving actions from a partner.
Be Patient
Though you may describe your partner as “perfect for you”, there’s a good chance you don’t love everything about them. Most people have some annoying habits, and since our loved ones are often the people we spend the most time with, we see their flaws on full display.
One simple (though not always easy) way to choose love is to let some of those little annoyances slide. If you’re constantly criticizing your partner, they may feel that you don’t actually like them for who they are. At least one study has shown that hostile criticism can have important negative impacts on relationship satisfaction. When you’re feeling irritated, it may be worth taking a breath, recalling that you love your partner despite their foibles, and holding back your comments.
This doesn’t mean you should be a doormat. Expressing anger when appropriate can be important for the health of relationships. But it might be best to save your criticism for the things that really matter.
Affirm Their Feelings
If respect is a core component of healthy love, dismissing a partner’s feelings can come across as very un-loving. Sometimes, though, we can become fixated on whether the other person is “right” to feel a certain way. This might cause us to turn an opportunity for greater empathy and intimacy into an argument.
When your partner expresses a negative feeling, it may be helpful to remember that emotions can’t be “right” or “wrong.” Their initial reaction is a reality that they’re experiencing, even if they come to agree with you later on. Choosing love can mean acknowledging and validating what they feel instead of immediately going on the defensive.
Give Them Your Attention
Research on relationship dynamics suggests that early-stage love often has a somewhat obsessive quality. You may think about the other person all the time, plan your week around when you can see them, and have to struggle not to text or call them too much. This urgency often fades as your relationship becomes more stable and your feelings for your partner take on a more comfortable, familiar quality.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it may mean that you have to work harder not to take the person you love for granted. You could make a habit out of small, unexpected gestures of affection that make it clear they’re in your thoughts. You might also want to avoid gluing your eyes to your phone or diving into some other personal activity when the two of you are together. Undivided attention can be a simple but powerful sign of love.
Learn Their Love Language
The theory of love languages has been talked about so much that it can sound cheesy to some. Still, the basic concept that different people have different ways of expressing and receiving love has received support from psychological research. For example, you might feel more loved when your partner does small things to make your life easier, but they might feel more loved when you give them compliments. A 2022 study found that relationship satisfaction is greater among couples who learn and adopt each other’s love languages.
If you don’t know the love language of the person you’re with, they’ll probably be happy to tell you. You may also be able to get a hint by paying attention to how they act toward you. For example, if they tend to hug you, kiss you, and stroke your hair when they’re feeling affectionate, there’s a good chance that “physical touch” is a big love language for them.
It may not feel natural for you to express love their way. But getting out of your comfort zone for your partner’s sake can be an important way to choose love.
Support Their Passions
It can be healthy in a relationship for both people to have some interests of their own. This may give you both some time to yourselves so you don’t feel stifled. That said, it can be very discouraging when a partner seems to take no interest at all in the things that you care about.
When you’re in love with a person who has a passion that you don’t have, you can choose love by taking an interest in it anyway. That doesn’t necessarily mean it has to become your favorite thing. However, making the effort to learn a bit about it may bring your partner a lot of happiness.
If they’re taking part in a competition or putting on a show, maybe you can show up and cheer them on. If they make art, maybe you can display it in your workspace. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, it may mean a lot to the person you love.
Try To See Them In The Best Light Possible
Most people have some qualities that are less than ideal, even those we love dearly. Being in love doesn’t necessarily mean ignoring everything that’s wrong with the other person. However, it might mean making an effort to see the good in them.
Some researchers have found that the most successful relationships are the ones in which people view their partners more positively than their partners view themselves. Though this might sound like self-deception, there’s evidence that it can genuinely improve mutual happiness over time. Choosing love could mean giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and looking harder for their good qualities than their bad ones.
You Can Choose Love In Any Relationship
The advice above has focused a lot on romantic partners, but it can apply equally well to other types of emotional connections. You can choose love with your family and friends as well. Even people who don’t feel romantic or physical attraction can still give and receive love in many of the ways we’ve described.
Relationship Counseling May Help You Choose Love
If you’re finding it challenging to express love in your life, you might want to consider working with a therapist. Sometimes a person outside of the relationship can have an easier time spotting the ways that your communications are breaking down.
Online counseling might be a good choice for those who need urgent relationship help or find it difficult to make time for therapy. Web-based platforms often speed up the process of finding a therapist and make scheduling easier.
Therapy delivered over the internet has been shown to be equally effective as traditional couples’ counseling. A study published in 2020 concluded that most participants who tried web-based therapy “found the videoconferencing experience to be beneficial and positive.” Some reported that the online format enhanced their sense of control and comfort, making it easier to connect with their therapist. BetterHelp can assist you in locating and talking with a licensed counselor to help you make more loving choices in your relationships.
Takeaway
Is love a matter of feeling or a matter of choice?
Whether love qualifies solely as a feeling or as a choice depends on your opinion. Some take on the perspective that love is primarily a collection of feelings that you can’t control or halt—some even place it on the same spectrum as hate. Others take on the point of view that, while driven by emotions, love is really defined as the choices you make to commit to someone and care for them.
What makes people fall out of romantic love?
Various reasons motivate someone’s decision to end a relationship. Sometimes we overlook someone’s poor qualities for their good qualities, or disregard our needs for the sake of maintaining a smooth relationship. They might just do something irksome that you can’t get over, even if it’s not malicious, like frequently forgetting important dates or speaking in a certain way.
And sometimes, it can just be as simple as no longer talking or spending much time together because one or both of you realize that you don’t find the other person romantically interesting anymore. This doesn’t automatically mean your initial feelings were false, just that your relationship has likely taken its course. This can happen even to otherwise or seemingly healthy relationships.
What makes something an act of unconditional love?
Unconditional love essentially encompasses the spirit of accepting your partner fully as they are and feeling no less affection for them. Acts of this type of love don’t have to be grand, just motivated by sincere affection and performed without expectations or caveats.
Is true love always motivated by a particular reason? What does “choosing love” really mean?
“Choosing love” doesn’t necessarily mean that the emotions and sentiments around love are a conscious decision. Rather, it simply means that you are choosing to act in loving ways toward your partner choosing to focus on and support them in healthy ways—”walking the talk,” so to speak.
How long does it really take to fall in love? How do you know when you’re feeling that love?
While there is no one set timeline for how long falling in love “should” take, most people would likely agree that it takes anywhere from a few months to a few years for sincere commitment to develop.
Feeling love, though, can be quite a subjective and varied experience. You might find yourself thinking about them a lot, wanting to offer advice or solve their problems, wanting to be close to them, feeling more “alive” in their presence, or otherwise feeling appreciation for and connection with their genuine self. You don’t have to express your affection in some universal, particular way; there are countless ways to love in the world.
How can you be sure if you feel love for someone?
In reality, there are some variances in this, too. Some people believe you’ll “just know” when you’ve started to feel genuine love for someone. Some believe it can only happen bit by bit and doubt whether powerful emotions are a real indicator of love. Only you can really decide if what you feel is love.
Is love deeper than just a feeling?
People have long talked and debated what love really “is.” You can approach this question from several standpoints, whether you subscribe to the neurophysiological, psychosocial, philosophical, and more. Many people, however, would consider love to run at least deeper than the pleasurable emotions we experience in someone’s presence.
What are some good questions to ask someone if you want them to know you’re thinking of them?
One good way to start could be to ask how the person likes to receive love or can be made to feel extra special, desired, and respected by you. Almost everyone has different love languages, or preferences for how they like their partner to express love to them, which are generally considered to include:
Quality time: Sharing meaningful experiences where both of you are emotionally present and offering each other your undivided attention.
Acts of service: Doing practical favors to make life easier for your partner; to individuals whose primary love language is this, actions speak louder than words.
Words of affirmation: Encompasses compliments, reassurances, verbal declarations of love, and other affectionate or kind words.
Physical Touch: Hugs, kisses, cuddling, hand-holding, or other forms of physical intimacy or proximity.
Gifts: Giving meaningful items to the other person. These gifts don’t need to be elaborate or expensive, either—it really is the thought that counts here.
Is love all in the mind?
Arguably, all of our experiences of our relationships with others could be described as at least intimately tied with our minds, if not contained within them. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s less real, though. What view aligns best with you will depend on your philosophies around love and psychology.
What makes people choose love?
Why someone “chooses” love depends on each individual. One major reason, though, boils down to core beliefs or values. People can have deeply held beliefs about receiving love, building happiness, and otherwise experiencing their lives in the moment and maintaining their well-being.
For example, family, compassion, happiness, or faith in a god are some common core values. People who value these might regularly prioritize being present for an event with their partners, children, or friends over staying longer at work.
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