Reasons Behind Love Addiction
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Desiring a romantic relationship is not problematic, nor is experiencing a range of emotions when pursuing or involved in one. However, if you’ve frequently noticed that you display certain concerning behaviors related to relationships—such as an unhealthy intensity, obsession, or emotional dependency—it’s possible that a love addiction is at play. While it’s not officially recognized as a disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), it’s a pattern of behavior that may cause problems in an individual’s life. Read on to find out what characterizes a love addiction, what may cause it, and what you can do about it.
Symptoms of a love addiction
Signs of unhealthy dependency and being addicted to romance
Here are some other possible signs of love addiction or an unhealthy dependency on love:
- Obsession with a love interest, even when the love is unrequited or harmful
- Pedestalization of potential or current romantic partners
- Reliance on love, romance, or a romantic partner as one’s primary source of happiness and emotional management
- Relationships that become high-intensity very quickly
- Relationships that are codependent rather than interdependent
- Entering romantic relationships quickly and/or a need to always be in a relationship
- Experiencing withdrawal-like symptoms when you aren’t getting the love and romance you crave
- Extreme shifts in emotional state based on small changes (actual or perceived) in the relationship
- Prioritizing your romantic relationship so much that you ignore family, friends, and other connections or responsibilities
When one or both partners are prone to love addiction, the possibility of cultivating a healthy relationship is less likely.
Causes of a love addiction
A tendency toward love addiction could have various possible causes. We explore a few of these below.
1. Neurochemistry
For some people, a love addiction to love may stem from differences in how their brain functions compared to others. The same chemicals in the brain involved in substance use disorders may contribute to an addiction to love as well. Natural or non-substance pleasures such as love and romance can cause changes in brain processes, potentially making an individual feel that they can’t function “normally” or feel satisfied without the presence of intense romantic love in their life, leading to love addiction.
2. Past abandonment wounds
Abandonment issues are sometimes an underlying cause of love addiction. Frequently, these issues stem from a childhood with physically or emotionally absent parents or caregivers. Past abandonment by one’s spouse or long-term companion can also lead to love addiction. These past experiences can manifest as love addiction for many reasons. For one, a person may feel that they’re unlovable or unworthy, or they may fear the pain of losing a loved one again. Someone who was abandoned by a parent or guardian earlier in life may also find themselves attracted to romantic partners with the same kind of emotional unavailability, leading to relationships that do not last and, sometimes, feelings of unworthiness as a result.
3. Depression
Clinical depression usually manifests as a set of specific, persistent symptoms, some of which include a sense of hopelessness and emptiness. These could lead a person to search for meaning, fulfillment, or other relief from symptoms. This may be one reason why depression is often comorbid, or co-occurring, with substance use disorders—and it may be the reason an individual experiencing depression could find themselves exhibiting behaviors indicative of a love addiction as well.
While it’s not always the case, some people with a love addiction may have experienced some childhood trauma such as abuse. As a result, the individual might feel unlovable or unworthy, and the highs of an intense love relationship may mitigate those feelings. Being loved or desired by a romantic partner could make them feel safe and worthy in ways that they were unable to in childhood, leading them to potentially seek out and cling to these relationships to an unhealthy degree leading to love addiction.
4. Childhood trauma
Finally, it’s possible that an individual internalized the behaviors associated with a love addiction because they were modeled to them during childhood. If a child’s parent(s) or caregiver(s) regularly displayed signs of a love addiction, they may grow up believing that healthy relationships look this way. When love is presented to you as intense, obsessive, rapid, and/or fleeting at a young age, it’s easy to see how you might unconsciously repeat these patterns yourself as an adult.
5. Role models for healthy relationships
Finally, it’s possible that an individual internalized the behaviors associated with a love addiction because they were modeled to them during childhood. If a child’s parent(s) or caregiver(s) regularly displayed signs of a love addiction, they may grow up believing that healthy relationships look this way. When love is presented to you as intense, obsessive, rapid, and/or fleeting at a young age, it’s easy to see how you might unconsciously repeat these patterns yourself as an adult.
How therapy can address sex and love addiction
Changing the way you relate to others in the context of relationships is possible. Speaking with a therapist about love addiction is one way to shift these patterns. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular may be able to help you learn to recognize and adjust distorted thought patterns that are leading to troubling behavior. They can also help you develop skills that can assist you in promoting healthier relationships in the future, such as communication, boundary setting, conflict resolution, and maintenance of a positive level of self-esteem.
Managing unhealthy relationships, sex, and mental health with online therapy
If you’d like to meet with a therapist to address symptoms of a love addiction, you can do so online or in person. If you’re interested in the convenience and reachability of virtual therapy, you might consider a virtual therapy service like BetterHelp. You can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home to address the challenges you may be facing.
Choosing between online and in-person therapy for addicts
Research suggests that online and in-person therapy can offer similar benefits in many cases, so you can typically choose the format that works best for you.
Takeaway
What are the risk factors for developing an unhealthy attachment to love?
Unhealthy relationship patterns can stem from various causes, including childhood trauma, neglect, rejection, low self-esteem, abandonment trauma, or dysfunctional relationships. These experiences may lead some individuals to seek emotional stability or fill a void of loneliness by relying on validation from others.
What are the disadvantages of emotional dependence in relationships?
Those who struggle with compulsive relationship-seeking may feel desperate for the comfort of romantic connections or the excitement of new love, sometimes at the expense of their personal lives, self-care, and careers. They may also prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, leading to emotional burnout, mood swings, and resentment.
Some individuals who feel an intense craving for love may chase the emotional highs associated with new relationships, similar to how some people respond to substance use. They might develop an unhealthy fixation on their partner, becoming defensive, possessive, or fearful of losing them. This can contribute to a cycle of anxiety and emotional distress.
Who are individuals with intense relationship dependence attracted to?
It may seem unexpected, but those who frequently seek intense emotional connections often find themselves drawn to individuals with avoidant attachment styles—or those sometimes referred to as "love avoidant."
Like most people, someone with avoidant tendencies may genuinely desire connection and intimacy. However, they often fear vulnerability or the pain of loss if things don’t work out. They may believe that remaining emotionally detached is safer than risking hurt, leading them to create distance, even subconsciously.
Is it love, or are you emotionally addicted to their pattern of inconsistent affection and attention?
Many individuals who struggle with emotional dependence may accept any level of affection rather than risk feeling alone. Even in an imbalanced relationship, they might prefer inconsistency over perceived emptiness. While love can take different forms, a healthy relationship allows both partners to feel valued and respected in a mutually fulfilling way. Anything less may suggest emotional dependency, and in some cases, it could point to a toxic or abusive dynamic.
What is the difference between love addiction and true love?
Love addiction may look like codependency, sex addiction, and unrealistic expectations on both ends of the relationship. Someone with compulsive relationship-seeking may expect themselves to accept their partners regardless of whether they're emotionally unavailable or in abusive relationships. In turn, they may expect their partner to shower them with all of their love and attention constantly and be available whenever they're needed.
Those who experience unhealthy relationship patterns may attempt to control their partner's behaviors, hobbies, time, who they're friends with, and where they spend their time. If partners don't meet these expectations, they may face negative consequences. Those with love addiction may jump from relationship to relationship, finding new comfort and stability in new partners shortly after their last relationship ended. Those with love addiction may love passion more than they love the other human being, which misses the whole point of being in relationship with another person.
True love involves a healthy balance between both partners where they listen to each other's needs and have equal expectations of the relationship. Partners in love may desire a long-term relationship and often work together to set boundaries, discover how to settle disagreements and learn what each person requires to feel loved and appreciated.
Why do people become love addicts?
Many experiences can lead people to feel like love addicts. They may not have received the love and attention they needed as a child. Some may have been neglected or abused. Others may not have felt supported by or stable in their attachment to their caregivers. Yet others may have low self worth and look to others to bolster their sense of self. Some constantly want to experience feelings of euphoria and extreme passion that come with initial attraction. Others are addicted to engaging in sexual activity. While love addiction may not be recognized as an official mental illness, those experiencing the effects of unhealthy relationship patterns may have mental health conditions related to these past traumas or experiences, which can affect how they view themselves or their relationships. In any case, love addiction often leads to unhealthy attachments and adverse consequences.
Love addiction can be related to other forms of addiction, such as other behavioral addictions or alcohol/drug addiction. They may use substances to self-medicate when faced with painful emotions. People with both addictive love issues and substance dependence, as well as other types of addiction, should seek professional support—a therapist can help treat all types of addiction.
For more information on love addiction, you can visit the message board by Susan Peabody, which has a variety of writings on the topic.
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