Can A Narcissist Love?

Can people with narcissistic personality disorder love? Can they fall in love permanently, or does their personality preclude the possibility of them ever being in a healthy long-term relationship? These are interesting questions, and the answer may be a bit complicated and vary depending on who you ask. If you have come to terms with the fact that you're dating someone with narcissistic tendencies, then you'll want to pay attention to the answers. 

Since narcissists generally lack empathy for other people, it may be very hard for them to genuinely love another person. This might be a difficult concept to accept, especially if you find yourself seeking a narcissist’s love or trying to make an existing relationship with a person with narcissistic personality disorder work. However, one must recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum, and some individuals with narcissistic traits may be more capable of giving and receiving love. The trick is knowing who they might be, which can be a challenge in itself. Learning as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can prepare you for interacting with those individuals who have it.

While people with narcissistic personality disorder may work on or try to change their behavior, at the end of the day, you are ultimately most responsible for yourself. You are not responsible for their thoughts, feelings, or actions toward you. Knowing about the disorder and equipping yourself with tools for engaging with people with narcissistic personality disorder is the best thing you can do, especially if you’re wondering whether they are truly capable of showing and receiving love. It is good to develop knowledge of the disorder and prepare yourself for a relationship with this person.

What is narcissism?

For those who do not know the term, narcissism is a word that stems from the Greek story of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water. The youth was so beautiful that he was unable to tear himself away from that reflection, and he wasted away from hunger.

In other words, only their desires and ambitions matter. The narcissists themselves rarely see that there is anything wrong with their behavior. For this reason, it’s very rare that they seek help for their disorder, even if they are in need of professional assistance.

Often described as vain, narcissists can have an inflated ego, and they can spend an extended amount of time focusing on their appearance. They may spend a great deal of money amassing an impressive wardrobe of expensive clothing. They might have elaborate hair and facial treatments so that they can stand out.

An insight into this personality disorder

Men are more commonly diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder than women. The prevailing thought is that there is probably a combination of genetic and environmental factors that causes it. A youth who is coddled and excessively praised when they are young may be more inclined to develop a narcissistic personality.

Attention and narcissistic traits in only children

An only child may be more likely to become a person with narcissistic personality disorder because there are no other siblings with whom they need to compete; therefore, all the attention is lavished on the child, and they could come to believe that they are special.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms

While the exact cause of narcissism may not be known, the symptoms and traits associated with narcissistic personality syndrome are well documented. Here are some common signs that someone might be a people with narcissistic personality disorder:

• Frequent thoughts about success or fame
• Inflated sense of importance
• Dominating conversations
• Believing they are deserving of special treatment
• Exploiting other people without feeling guilty or shameful
• Overall sense of entitlement
• Need for frequent admiration and excessive compliments
• Bullying or otherwise belittling other people
• Looking down on those they feel are inferior
• Arrogance or haughtiness
• Taking advantage of others to get what they want
• Exaggerating their talents, skills, abilities, and achievements
• Envy of others or feeling like others are envious of them
• Wanting the best of everything

On the surface, it would seem that narcissism would not be that big of an issue. In a way, everyone shows these traits from time to time. We all have moments where we exaggerate an achievement, want people to give us compliments, expect the best, or believe we deserve special treatment. However, narcissists can take these traits to the next level. They may exhibit them openly and consistently. It can affect every aspect of their life and the lives of people around them.

Navigating narcissism: Attention, validation, and manipulation

Keep in mind that narcissism can be a spectrum, just as many other mental disorders are. Someone may only display a few occasional narcissistic traits, while another person might display several almost constantly like the need for constant attention and validation with manipulative behaviors. Even with mild narcissistic behaviors, there can be some difficult situations that arise when interacting with those with NPD. Narcissists are often unable to handle criticism, which can cause them to lash out either at work or in relationships. They may have a sense of entitlement and can become upset when they don't feel like they are getting their way. They often think that they are inherently superior to other people and deserve the best of everything in the world.

As mentioned above, not all narcissists will display the same exact traits. In fact, if a therapist is using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, only 55% of certain characteristics need to be present for someone to receive a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Although you should never attempt to diagnose yourself or another person if you’re not qualified to do so, you can still be on the lookout for signs of narcissism.

What narcissistic personality disorder may look like in relationships

Since narcissists have either a partial or a total disregard for the feelings of others, being in a relationship with one can be distinctly challenging. This is because people with narcissistic personality disorder can become upset if they perceive anything that they believe to be a slight against them, or they might be unwilling to admit when they do something wrong. This means that narcissists often have trouble sustaining healthy relationships. If you think you’re dating or know a narcissist, you’ll want to be prepared for the experience so that there are fewer surprises. Indeed, narcissists can be predictable if you know what to expect and how they normally behave.

You may have just started dating someone and, through this person’s words and actions, have come to the conclusion that they have this disorder. They may or may not have ever been diagnosed, but because of the negative aspects of their personality, you still feel certain this person is a person with narcissistic personality disorder. While it’s up to you to decide whether you’d like to continue dating this person, there are some realities you might want to be prepared for.

Self-centered behavior and lack of empathy

For one, know that people with narcissistic personality disorder might frequently put their own needs before yours, leading to imbalanced relationships where their self-centered behavior prevails. Healthy relationships are built on compromise and a solid give-take dynamic. However, most narcissists prioritize power and prefer dominance in a relationship, so you may find that the person you’re dating is only interested in taking and does not consider your wants and needs. This can be disheartening, especially if you feel you do a lot for them.

People with narcissistic personality disorder can also have impaired emotional empathy, which makes it difficult for them to express care for others. Impaired emotional empathy desensitizes the individual and makes it harder to establish an emotional connection with them. Most people are able to relate to, comfort, and empathize with their fellow human beings. This is even more true when they’re in a relationship or in love with someone else. However, since a narcissist is often unable to develop positive feelings towards others the way some people are, that piece may be missing in a romantic partnership.

Can a narcissist love? Weighing the pros and cons

Whether you consider it worth it to date someone with these characteristics is going to be a personal decision. On the surface, it would be easy to say no and move on to the next possibility. However, we cannot always help whom we fall in love with or for whom we develop feelings.

Of course, a person might have narcissistic tendencies and still have many other good qualities. They may have achieved a lot in their chosen career, or they could be very attractive individuals. Maybe they're a keen dresser and well groomed. They may be both intelligent and articulate. You may have to weigh all of that against the chances that at some point they may demand something unreasonable from you or say something that's going to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

Signs that you are in a toxic relationship

Again, the choice is yours. You must do what is best and healthiest for you. Since narcissism is a spectrum, it’s possible that some issues can be resolved with the help of a professional. Other times, there are too many obstacles standing in the way of a flourishing partnership. Rather than focusing on whether someone is a person with narcissistic personality disorder, try to determine whether the relationship is healthy. Here are some signs that you are in an unhealthy or otherwise toxic partnership:

• Insufficient respect
• Codependency
• A lack of concealment
• Infidelity
• Dishonesty, insecurity, or jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Silent treatment
• Abuse, whether physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, or psychological

You deserve to be in a loving, safe, and committed relationship if that is what you desire. Recognize that a people with narcissistic personality disorder may not be able to provide that to you—and if you choose not to have a relationship with that person, there is someone out there who can. 

Each situation is unique

The question "Can narcissists love?" is one that does not have a hard-and-fast answer. There might be some people who have narcissistic tendencies that do not arise to narcissistic personality disorder. In those situations, you might be able to help them address those behaviors over time by communicating what it is that you are finding uncomfortable. These tendencies might be diminished or even eliminated if the person is able to recognize them and willing work on them.

With a person with narcissistic personality disorder, the issue may be that they are not able to see what it is about their behavior that is hurtful to others. Often, they are unable to see their narcissism. If you point it out to them, they might get defensive rather than owning up to their faults. Remember, a central part of the condition is the prevailing belief that they are better than others—smarter, more capable, superior. Their reasoning might be that if a relationship isn’t working out or you’re unhappy in it, you’re entirely to blame. In their mind, they may not be at fault. Being in a relationship with someone who can never apologize or own up to mistakes can be very difficult for many.

Management for narcissistic personality disorder

There is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder at present. It's a disorder that may be central to whoever has it, and it's not something that can ever be completely discarded. It often takes a combination of a tremendously determined partner and a person with narcissistic personality disorder who is open to modifying their behavior to effect a marked change in their actions.

The illusion of changing a narcissist

Many people make the mistake of believing they can change the people with narcissistic personality disorder. If they love them more, make changes to themselves, or work harder at meeting the narcissist’s needs, somehow things will be different. This is often not the case. It is unlikely that someone with narcissism will own up to their behavior, and they may not be willing to change. Why? It’s possible that they believe they’re perfect as they are. If you choose to stay with them, you may have to accept this potentially difficult mindset.

The unlikelihood of genuine change

Even if you had a partner who was willing to admit to their narcissism on the surface, they may only be doing so to humor you. You might ask them to change their behavior, and they might give it lip service, saying that they would do so because they love you and are willing to make an effort on your behalf. It may be unlikely, though, that the change will occur, or will last for very long. Narcissists tend to resist changes they don’t want to make.

Practicing compassion from a distance

Although a narcissistic partner may not often exhibit empathy, you might empathize with others easily. This doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship with them or give them the benefit of the doubt, but it does mean you can remain compassionate about their disorder and give them the respect every human being deserves. In many cases, you’ll need to practice this compassion and empathy from a distance for your own wellbeing. Rather than holding onto anger and resentment, recognize that the individual has a mental health disorder that they cannot help. Knowing this can greatly aid you in healing and moving forward. 

Making a tough decision

After learning more about the narcissist, you may have decided it’s time to break things off. You might still love them and desire to be with them but want to prioritize your own mental health and happiness. This is understandable, and it’s completely okay to put yourself and your needs first. Being in any type of relationship with a person with narcissistic personality disorder can be emotionally and mentally taxing. You’re allowed to cut ties if that’s what you need to do. You’re only human, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re conquering shame just because you’re prioritizing your mental health. You’re not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior, but you are responsible for doing what’s healthiest for you and taking care of yourself.

If you’re wanting to break things off with a person with narcissistic personality disorder, it can help to remind yourself throughout the process that you deserve to be happy and healthy. If needed, see a mental health professional to work through difficult thoughts, feelings, and emotions you may be having.

Talking to someone about the problem

The person in your life who exhibits these qualities may not ever be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder because they might not be willing to be examined. Even if you suspect narcissism, only a mental health professional can make an accurate diagnosis. The reality, too, is that the diagnosis may not matter as much as how you feel in a relationship and how you’re being treated. You can encourage the person with narcissistic personality disorder to seek help, but otherwise you’re completely entitled to focus on yourself.

If you’re dating, married to, or otherwise interacting with a person with narcissistic personality disorder, you may need support through the experience. Maybe you suspect someone is a narcissist, but you just aren’t sure and need a second opinion. Perhaps you feel like you might be a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Or you might be trying to figure out whether to stop seeing a partner whose behaviors are problematic. Whatever the case, speaking with a therapist at BetterHelp can provide you with guidance on the road to living a happier, healthier life. All you will need is an internet connection and a device to get connected. Having someone outside of the situation with whom you can talk allows you to receive unbiased feedback and advice. Just being able to discuss your challenges and concerns can be cathartic.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Online therapy has also shown effectiveness in helping couples achieve a variety of objectives. In one recent videoconferencing intervention, 30 couples allocated to in-person and online cohorts took part in a couples behavioral education program. Therapeutic alliance was similar between groups, as were the positive improvements in relationship satisfaction and overall mental health, post-intervention.