How To Make Your Partner Love You Again When The Romance Has Faded

Even when a romance begins with an intensely loving and passionate connection, it may seem to cool off over time. As familiarity replaces excitement, you may feel like your partner no longer loves you the way they once did. Do those feelings always dwindle in a long-term relationship? Is there anything you can do to keep romance alive, or bring it back once it’s faded?

It may not be possible to recreate the strong desire that tends to come with a new romance. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t restore passion, intimacy, and deep romantic love. By investing in your emotional connection and pursuing self-discovery, you may be able to get your partner to fall in love with you all over again.

Why doesn’t my partner love me anymore?

If you’ve started to feel like the person you love no longer cares for you the way they once did, you’re probably feeling hurt and confused. What’s behind this loss of affection?

In some cases, it may simply be the tendency of long-term relationships to shift away from urgent passion and toward calm companionship.

This tendency seems to be tied to the reward mechanisms of the human brain. Some studies have concluded that the neurological mechanisms of early-stage love may be similar to those involved in addiction, producing similar feelings of obsessive desire, craving, and attachment. 

Over time, though, brain activity in couples seems to shift more toward areas related to social cognition and away from those associated with addiction. This may lead to a sense that the “spark” is fading, being replaced with feelings more like you’d have for a close friend. 

This tendency may be compounded by deeper relationship challenges. Here are a few other reasons your partner’s feelings of love might be fading:

Your partner doesn’t feel appreciated

If your partner feels taken for granted, it could seriously threaten your emotional bond. Studies suggest that expressing gratitude and appreciation can play a significant role in relationship satisfaction. A partner who feels that you don’t value them or that you’re no longer emotionally attracted to them may start to fall out of love.

You have compatibility issues between you

The driving passion of a new romance may make it easy to overlook big differences in how you and your partner approach life. As that initial thrill is replaced by the challenge of making a life together, friction can emerge over differences like:

• Organizational habits
• Life goals
• Moral values
• Political views
• Lifestyle preferences

Your sex life has become unsatisfying

Though it’s a common cliché to say that men need sex to feel loved, research suggests that sexual satisfaction is linked to relationship satisfaction for people of any gender. The issue isn’t necessarily the frequency of sex itself — often, what causes dissatisfaction is a lack of flirtation, physical intimacy, and expressions of desire. 

Sex may not be a part of every relationship. People on the asexual spectrum, for instance, may be able to have a deeply fulfilling romance without this type of intimacy. For people who tend to express love sexually, though, this kind of connection can be a major part of a happy partnership. 

Communication has broken down

Unhelpful and hostile forms of communication can significantly decrease relationship satisfaction. Frequent negative interactions, such as belittling or being dismissive of their feelings, could make a person fall out of love.

How to make your partner love you again: Tips for rekindling romance

If you’re both committed to making your relationship work, you and your partner may be able to work through the obstacles described above and fall in love once again. A study from 2009 found evidence that even the fading of obsessive love doesn’t have to mean the end of passionate, intense romance between a long-partnered couple. Here are a few methods that may help bring love back:

Communicate openly

Figuring out how to recapture your partner’s affection can be much harder if you don’t know what’s on their mind. At the same time, discussing  your own feelings can make your partner feel trusted and valued. The first step in restoring love may be having some honest conversations about what’s going on between you. 

Rather than starting with a loaded question like “Do you still love me?”, consider beginning by asking how your partner feels or if there’s anything they wish they could change about your relationship.

You may want to prepare yourself to hear things you won’t like. If your partner does voice complaints, some of them may not seem fair. However, it’s generally helpful to acknowledge and try to understand their feelings rather than immediately challenging them. 

When you discuss your perspective, you may want to emphasize how you feel rather than presenting any complaints as a criticism of your partner as a person. Try to speak calmly and avoid interrupting.

Find ways to grow together

One common reason for relationship dissatisfaction is that a person feels their independence or identity is being stifled. To combat this feeling, you can seek out opportunities for what psychologists call self-expansion: building new capabilities or discovering new parts of yourself. 

You can also pursue this type of growth together, which can benefit the relationship. That way, instead of feeling like you’re growing apart, you’ll be able to see how your partnership is enriching and broadening your lives. Self-expanding activities you could have include:

• Learning a new skill together
• Traveling as a couple
• Finding a new common  hobby
• Collaborating on career goals
• Making new friends as a couple
• Working together on a project

Spend time apart

Although creating new memories together can be valuable for a relationship, it may also be helpful to leave some space for independence. If your partner doesn’t feel like they can have their own life, chances are that they may become resentful. 

You may want to build time into your routine for each of you to do independent activities. This can be as simple as leaving one or two nights per week for solo hobbies or separate time with friends.

Reminisce about your relationship

Taking a trip down memory lane together could help remind your partner why they fell in love with you. Researchers have found that when couples recall past experiences of their lives together, it leads to increased feelings of intimacy, commitment, and relationship satisfaction.

You may want to try striking up conversations with your partner about the high points of your relationship. Consider digging up an old picture that reminds them how much fun you had together on a past trip, or writing them a note reminiscing about a sweet memory from when you first started dating.

Inject some spontaneity

Taking your partner by surprise every so often could help keep them on their toes, restoring some of the mystery and excitement that often fuels passion in newer relationships.

For example, you could suggest random but fun activities such as deciding on the spur of the moment to see a concert or take a trip to a nearby city. You could walk up to your partner in your underwear and pull your partner into the bedroom on an afternoon when you have nothing planned. Or you could start giving them occasional spontaneous compliments, gifts, or love notes.

You might also benefit from being open to the unexpected when your partner brings it up. This doesn’t mean you have to go along with every whim, but if you’re sometimes willing to step outside your comfort for something they suggest, it may help the relationship feel more alive.

Demonstrate gratitude and affection

Taking time in day-to-day life to give your partner signs of love can be just as beneficial as big changes like taking romantic trips together. For instance, making a point to thank them for small favors can be a buffer against certain relationship stresses. So can small gestures such as:

• Making eye contact
• Giving frequent compliments
• Praising them to other people
• Touching them affectionately
• Learning and using their love language
• Active listening

Therapy can help you and your partner restore love

While the advice above may often help you get your partner to love you again, it may be easier with help from a relationship professional. This can be especially true in cases when the relationship has already faced several major issues. Couples therapy may be able to help you heal from this conflict and learn how to love once more.

More and more couples are turning to online relationship counseling. Not only does this offer practical benefits, such as making coordinating schedules easier, but online therapy can also provide a more comfortable space to discuss difficult and painful issues. Many people find that talking online helps them feel a greater sense of control, increasing their comfort with the process.

Research is increasingly demonstrating that online therapy can work just as well as seeing a counselor face-to-face. If your circumstances make it hard to find in-person help, working with an online therapist may offer valuable support as you work to repair your relationship.