How To Overcome Fearful Avoidant Attachment Experienced In A Dating Situation
Entering or reentering the dating world can be nerve-wracking. First, know that you’re not alone if the idea of pursuing romantic relationships makes you nervous or afraid. Next, read on to learn more about a few key reasons why this might be—starting with a fearful avoidant attachment style—and to discover strategies that may help.
Is your attachment style causing a fear of dating?
A fear of dating is not uncommon, nor is it unfounded. Getting involved in the world of adult relationships can sometimes have painful consequences. Some common fears and risks include being rejected, committing to the wrong person, feeling pain as a result of a romantic relationship, or not finding someone you connect with and feeling lonely as a result. Those who have been in unhealthy relationships previously or ones that ended in an upsetting way may also be afraid to open up in case they’re hurt again.
In addition to nervousness about some of these possibilities, attachment styles may also play a role in why they fear dating. Attachment theory posits that the way someone is raised in terms of giving and receiving love influences their behavior into adulthood.
Types of attachment styles
There are four different attachment styles: secure attachment and three insecure types. Getting familiar with them may allow you to see yourself in one or more, depending on the relationship or situation. This may allow you to work towards healing, growth, and healthier relationships in the future.
Anxious/preoccupied
Sometimes also referred to as preoccupied attachment, a person with this attachment style may struggle to believe they’re competent in or worthy of receiving love from others but typically trust others to give it. This negative view of themselves may manifest as frequent validation-seeking from romantic partners in an effort to quell their fears that they will be abandoned. They often desire closeness, but at the same time, may have lots of doubts about being abandoned.
Dismissive-avoidant
A person with this attachment style generally believes they are worthy of love and competent in giving it but does not trust others to provide it. They may become highly self-sufficient in an effort to minimize their need for vulnerable interpersonal relationships at all for fear of being let down.
Fearful avoidant
Sometimes also referred to as disorganized attachment, a fearful avoidant attachment style may make a person doubt their own competence in finding or maintaining a loving connection with someone and may doubt that competence in others, too. Individuals who lean toward the fearful-avoidant style may feel anxiety when starting to fall for someone, causing them to go back and forth between pursuing that person and withdrawing out of fear.
Secure attachment style
A person with this attachment style generally has faith in both their own and other people’s competence and reliability in giving and receiving love. They’re likely to be able to form and maintain loving and healthy relationships where they feel secure.
Can you change your attachment style?
People with any of the first three styles on the list above may face more fear around dating than people with secure attachment patterns. Because they doubt their own abilities to love, other people’s reliability in providing it, or both, they may find it difficult to be vulnerable, build trust, or communicate openly when in a relationship. Or, the fear of not having their needs met or being rejected or abandoned may act as an obstacle to them dating or entering into a relationship in the first place.
That said, attachment styles are not fixed. Through focused, committed work—often with the help of a trained therapist—you may be able to overcome emotional wounds from childhood trauma or past relationships and develop secure attachment patterns.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
While dating may still cause you a bit of tension or stress from time to time, your work and increased self-awareness may get you to a point where it’s minimal and doesn’t hold you back from pursuing happiness in relationships.
Other potential causes of a fear of dating
It’s also worth noting that some people may fear or have additional anxiety around dating for reasons unrelated to their attachment style. For example, an asexual or aromantic person may or may not be interested in dating at all. If they are, they may experience anxiety related to sharing how they identify or to the prospect of building relationships in general. If not, they might feel fear around dating due to the societal pressure they might experience to engage in it even though they don't want to.
Mental health disorders such as social anxiety disorder can also contribute to a fear of dating. Social anxiety disorder can cause so much fear, tension, and even physical symptoms like dizziness or nausea that it may prevent someone from wanting to enter into dating situations. Some neurodivergent people may also have trouble in the dating world due to difficulties accurately interpreting and acting on social cues—especially indirect or subtle ones, which can make dating seem even more daunting. Some people with disabilities may face judgment or prejudice from potential romantic or sexual partners, which can make the process feel extra stressful.
In other words, there are many different reasons a person might fear dating, with an avoidant attachment style being just one of them. Addressing each one on your own or with a counselor may help you work through them.
Strategies for working on a fearful avoidant attachment style
If you feel you may have a fearful avoidant attachment or another cause of a fear of dating, you might consider trying some of the suggestions below.
1. Pinpoint your fears
This exercise can be particularly helpful for those with a fearful avoidant attachment style, but it may be useful for those with all kinds of dating-read fears. Ask yourself: What exactly are you afraid of? To be able to address your fears, it usually helps to identify them first.
Are you afraid of getting close to someone and being seen for who you really are? Have past experiences made you fear cheating or tough breakups? Are you worried you’ll have to give up on things that are important to you in order to be in a relationship? Whether unfounded or not, you’ll generally need to pinpoint your core fears around dating and relationships to figure out how you can work through or manage them.
2. Practice setting boundaries
Setting boundaries can be a way to help keep yourself safe and comfortable in a new or existing relationship. Boundaries are important for everyone, but they can be especially comforting if you have a fearful avoidant attachment style.
For example, how much communication do you prefer? If frequent texting with someone new throughout the day makes you feel overwhelmed or like things are moving too fast, you can share with them how much communication you’d like instead. If you need regular alone time in a relationship, you can let your partner know. If you don’t like to kiss on the first date or if hand-holding isn’t your thing, you can tell that to the person you’re dating. Setting boundaries like this may help you feel more in control and less inclined to act from a place of fearful avoidant attachment.
Takeaway
Do fearful avoidants get attached easily?
According to the Cleveland Clinic, people with fearful avoidant attachment styles avoid intimacy and romantic relationships for fear of getting hurt. They may crave closeness with another person, but ultimately, they push people away for fear of rejection.
A fearful avoidant personality disorder isn’t a mental illness, but the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders does list it as a feature of avoidant personality disorder. People with fearful avoidant attachment styles may also be at a higher risk for other mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety disorders.
What do fearful avoidants need, according to mental health experts?
Mental health professionals say that people with fearful avoidant attachment styles need a safe space where they’re able to express their needs and build trust with someone in order to overcome the extreme fear of rejection.
What do fearful avoidants fear most about falling in love?
For most people with fearful avoidant attachment styles, their biggest fear is falling in love with an intimate partner, establishing a relationship, and then being rejected or abandoned by that person. This intense fear often keeps them from forming close relationships.
In extreme cases, the fear of love is so strong that it can mimic the physical symptoms of a person with a specific phobia. For example, the person may experience rapid breathing and even panic attacks like with other phobias.
What not to do with a fearful avoidant? What is their biggest anxiety?
Since their biggest anxiety is often fear of rejection and abandonment, it may be a good idea to avoid harshly criticizing someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style. You can still express your feelings, of course, but you may want to do so in a kind and loving way that reassures them of your commitment.
Can fearful avoidants have long-term relationships?
Yes. People with fearful avoidant attachment styles can have fulfilling intimate relationships that last, but it may require therapy with a mental health professional, self-care, and a supportive partner who understands their fears and past experiences.
How does a fearful avoidant show love?
Everyone is different, but people with a fearful avoidant attachment style often express love and build emotional intimacy through physical touch and quality time with their partner.
How do you make a fearful avoidant feel safe?
Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for a while, it may be important to ensure the person feels safe and secure with you. This could mean communicating clearly and openly, validating their emotions, expressing loving feelings through physical touch, spending time together, and giving them space to pursue their own interests.
How can you communicate with someone with fearful avoidant attachment?
Communicating can be challenging with a fearful avoidant partner. Here are some tips for doing so effectively:
Validate their emotional pain, whether from their formative years or previous relationships.
Make it a point to tell them you understand that they’re feeling hurt and afraid.
Be vulnerable yourself so that there’s a possibility the person will also feel safe enough to let go of their defense mechanisms and be vulnerable with you.
Express empathy for their past hurts and acknowledge their fears.
Suggest the idea of practicing relaxation techniques so that you’re both calm and clear-headed when communicating.
How do fearful avoidants deal with no contact?
Everyone is different, and it’s impossible to predict exactly how the person will respond if you decide to end contact with them after a painful breakup. Since people with fearful avoidant attachment styles both crave and fear love, it’s likely they’ll have a mix of emotions. They may fluctuate between feeling scared that you’ve abandoned them completely and coming to realize they enjoy their independence.
What makes fearful avoidant commit? Can you overcome your fear of love?
A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may only commit when they sense that it’s real love. This means they no longer feel afraid that their partner will abandon or reject them (at least not as intensely), and the person makes them feel safe in the relationship.
It is possible to overcome your fear of love, also known as philophobia, but you may have to stop listening to the fears inside of you that tell you you’re unworthy of love. These negative beliefs can derail your current relationships and leave you feeling like your worst fears have come true. The first step to overcome philophobia may be taking a risk and letting someone in. Here are some additional tips:
Practice self-awareness and acknowledge your fear of love.
Set an intention for overcoming philophobia.
Ask your friends and family members for support.
Practice gradual exposure to the things you fear such as physical closeness or talking about your feelings. Real-world tasks could include holding hands or talking on the phone to a love interest or potential candidate for a romantic relationship.
Practice living life in the present moment and avoid worry over the future or past.
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