Lust Vs. Love: How To Tell The Difference Between Lust And Love
When you’re romantically and/or sexually interested in someone, it can be hard to determine whether what you’re feeling is love or lust—especially in the beginning. Since they often involve overlapping experiences and sensations, these two feelings can be confusing and difficult to parse out. That said, there are a few key differences between them.
Simply put, romantic love typically takes time to develop while feelings of lust can arise instantly. In addition, lust is mainly focused on physical and sexual attraction, while love involves deeper care for someone and an emotional, mental, and romantic connection beyond just the physical.
Below, you’ll dive further into these differences and receive a few tips on how to distinguish between the two so you can better assess how you feel about someone.
Love vs. lust: What are they?
While love looks different for everyone, according to the American Psychological Association it is “a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness.” Or, consider the triangular theory of love developed by US psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, which suggests that the three basic components of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Love vs. lust: What is love and how does lust come into play?
Fundamentally, love involves a deep emotional connection along with care and concern for the other’s well-being. It can include sexual or physical connection, but not always—and if it is present, that part of the connection is not typically the primary driver. Lust, in contrast, usually features physical attraction and sexual desire as key components. These desires are so strong for many people that some researchers have compared some aspects of the early phase of romantic relationships to drug addiction.
These two feelings can exist at the same time, but they don’t have to: Someone can feel both love and lust for someone at the same time, or they can feel only love or only lust. In understanding the differences, it may be useful to consider the role of time. Lust can be instant, while love often takes time to develop.
Lust and love concurrently felt
As mentioned above, it is possible to feel lust and love concurrently, which can make things confusing. Typically, though, “love at first sight” is inaccurate—an individual may “fall in lust" with someone at first sight, while love will normally take time and nurturing to grow. If a relationship develops, the initial feeling of lust may fade as deeper feelings of love and care emerge. Unlike lust, love often takes time to develop and will typically be steadier over time.
How can I tell the difference between love and lust?
With those definitions in mind, then, how can you tell the difference between love and lust in a real-life situation? If you’re finding it difficult to tell which you may be experiencing, whether for a distant acquaintance or your best friend, it could be helpful to consider some of the feelings and sensations below for lust compared to love.
If you’re lusting after someone, you may experience some of these common feelings:
You’re focused on their physical attributes
You may not know them very well, but you feel a strong desire for them
You fantasize about them, focusing on physical or sexual intimacy
You’re not particularly interested in other aspects of their life, such as their interests, passions, or dreams
Deeper discussions feel uncomfortable or unnecessary, and the connection between you two may rely heavily on casual sex or other physical intimacy
When you're falling in love, some of the following may resonate with you:
You want to do things with them beyond just sexual activity, like spending quality time together
You like who they are as a person and you care about how they’re doing
You enjoy spending time with them doing a variety of activities
You are excited about the future together, and you make plans and tell each other your hopes
It feels natural to talk with them and get to know each other deeply
You’re interested in some kind of commitment and continuity of the relationship
The novelty of the relationship may have worn off, but you're having as much or more fun
You understand that the other person is human and flawed rather than putting them on a pedestal
It stays interesting even after the initial lust fades
It can be hard to differentiate lust from love
Lust vs. Love: Navigating romantic relationships in therapy
Even with these definitions and descriptions, determining the difference between love and lust is often easier said than done. Relationships and intimacy in general can be difficult to navigate. It can become more complicated for some individuals if they act on lust and start sleeping with someone before working through what it means for them. and it can sometimes be helpful to get an objective, third-party perspective on what you’re feeling. If you think your relationship wellness could benefit from additional support, you might consider speaking to a therapist. They can offer you a safe space where you can express and process your emotions so you can better understand how you feel about someone.
Online therapy options
With topics like love and lust, the situation can vary widely from one person to the next—which is why it can help to find a therapist who suits your specific needs. When you get started with online therapy through BetterHelp, you’ll be asked to fill out a quick questionnaire about your preferences and the kind of help you’re seeking so you can get matched with a licensed therapist whom you feel comfortable with. You can then meet with them via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging to address the challenges you may be facing. Research suggests that online therapy is “no less efficacious” than traditional, in-person methods, so you can typically choose whichever format works best for you.
Takeaway
How long does it take for lust to turn into love?
How long it takes for lust to evolve into love varies between relationships and the individuals involved in them. It might take weeks, months, or even years for a relationship to move on from the phase of physical attraction and desire to a deeper emotional connection and caring. In some cases, it may not happen at all if the relationship doesn’t progress beyond a superficial level.
Is lust a stage of love?
Lust is typically considered the first stage of romantic love, as it is primarily focused on physical attraction and desire. Lust is characterized by an intense physical and sexual attraction to another person without necessarily involving a personal connection. In some cases, lust continues to play a role in relationships beyond the first stage.
Love and lust: Stages of love
The other stages of love include:
- Attraction— One may have a romantic attraction to someone with or without lust involved. During this stage, high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine are released when we spend time doing something pleasurable. In the attraction stage, sex can trigger such mechanisms, but so can spending time with someone you enjoy, such as a partner. This is typically the phase in which one would describe being “in love.”
- Attachment— This is the phase in which a relationship moves beyond love and attraction towards something more established and long-term. During this phase, humans tend to release more oxytocin (often called the “cuddle hormone”), which plays a significant role in romantic relationships. However, oxytocin plays a role in other types of intimate relationships as well, including during parent-infant bonding and close friendships. Oxytocin is released in large quantities as a precursor to bonding during sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding.
At what age is lust the highest?
At what age one reaches one’s “sexual peak” differs depending on several factors such as biology, gender, and situation. Past research indicates that individuals assigned as male at birth (AMAB) reached a sexual peak in late teens/early adulthood while people assigned as women (AFAB) reached theirs in their 30s. More recent studies indicate that sexual desire is at its highest in middle age regardless of sex/gender.
These studies also suggest that the relationship between sexual desire levels and age is affected by a large array of psychosocial and biological circumstances. People may experience sexual highs and lows throughout life as sex drive changes depending on a number of variables.
What causes lust?
The cause of lust is believed to be a combination of when physical attraction meets a desire for sexual activity. When someone experiences lust, their bodies release increased levels of estrogen and testosterone, reinforcing sexual drive. As attraction progresses, the body releases more dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin (the “in-love” phase).
Does he love me, or is it lust?
The line between love and lust is sometimes obscure because individuals express love and lust in different ways. Without clear communication, it can be difficult to tell. Signs of lust include when an individual is motivated to spend time with someone purely by sexual desire, and they have little to no interest in the individual’s life or their values outside of sexual activity. Signs of love include when an individual wants to know more about their partner’s life and personality. They might want to meet their partner’s friends and family, show emotional vulnerability, and draw commonalities between their values to establish a loving relationship.
Can lust win over love?
The question of whether lust can “win” over love is highly subjective, as the perception of winning or losing in this context can vary between people. The answer also depends on human behavior and the factors driving it. For instance, dopamine and oxytocin levels influence the reward system, potentially influencing our motivation to engage in pleasure-seeking behaviors and our emotional dependencies on our partners.
How do I remove lust from my mind?
While it might not be possible to remove lust from the mind entirely, there may be ways you can diminish its control over your thoughts and behaviors:
Ways to diminish its control
- Pay attention to environments, individuals, or situations that tend to “trigger” feelings and thoughts of lust. Once you become aware of them, it may make it easier to avoid or minimize your exposure to them.
- Practice mindfulness techniques like meditation or deep breathing exercises to stay present in the moment and redirect your focus.
- Keep yourself occupied with engaging, fulfilling activities that are in line with your personal goals. Not only may this distract you, but it can help you channel your energy into more productive things that improve your sense of self and overall well-being.
- Take time to reflect on the underlying emotions and needs that may be causing your feelings of lust. It might be that what you’re feeling is actually a need or desire for something else that you’re misplacing as lust. Addressing these issues can also help you develop healthier coping strategies to deal with the feelings as they arise.
- If you are in a relationship with a person(s) with whom you’d like to “fall out of lust,” it may help to establish clear boundaries in your interactions with them. Communicate openly and honestly with them about your boundaries and expectations.
- Seek support from a trusted friend, counselor, or therapist about your struggles with lust. They may provide you with a different perspective, guidance, and advice for strategies for managing and overcoming those feelings.
- Take care of yourself physically and emotionally by getting plenty of rest, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Caring for your physical health, fitness, and mental health can also regulate the chemicals in your brain that might contribute to overblown feelings of lust.
Can lust turn into love?
It is possible for lust to lead to love. In many (but not all) cases, it’s a typical transition.
Can love overcome lust?
Although lust might be a strong driver of behavior at the beginning of a romantic relationship, love can eventually “overcome” lust in the sense that it ultimately becomes the most prominent motivation. However, love and lust often coexist in romantic relationships.
Do I have a crush, or is it lust?
It may help to define the meaning of a “crush” to determine if what you’re experiencing is lust or a crush. According to the Britannica dictionary, a crush refers to “a strong feeling of romantic love for someone that is usually not expressed and does not last a long time.” While this may be an accepted definition, some individuals have what would be considered a crush on someone else that lasts for an extended time, or they might decide to tell their crush how they feel.
Lust vs. Love: Physical attraction and deeper connections
If your feelings are more limited to physical attraction and a desire for sex, you might be experiencing lust. If you look forward to being with the individual in any capacity, and you’d like to spend time to get to know them better, you may have a crush.
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