How To Identify Toxic Love
Many kinds of relationships can involve toxic love, including romantic relationships, parental relationships, and sibling relationships, but it can sometimes be challenging to identify. Toxic love may involve physical, mental, or emotional abuse, or it might involve manipulation, emotional blackmail, shame, control, or other potentially harmful behaviors. We’ll explore toxic love in a variety of relationships, several feelings and signs of toxic love to keep in mind, and possible ways to cope.
Where toxic love can exist
Toxic love can exist in nearly any situation in which you have formed a relationship or bond with another. You can distinguish healthy vs toxic relationships everywhere. Some people may find that they have toxic love from their parents or siblings, and some may experience toxic love in personal relationships, such as long-term friendships and romantic relationships.
Toxic love from parents
In many cases, the first relationships we have in life are with our parents: they may be the first to form bonds with us and the first to show us what love is. Research has shown that destructive relationships with parents can lead to unhealthy relationships later in life “unless they are effectively addressed.”
Some signs of toxic love from parents may include the following:
Nothing you do is ever good enough.
Your parents use manipulation to get their way.
You find yourself wondering what you must do to keep their love.
You do anything they ask because you are afraid of the consequences, even as an adult.
Toxic love from siblings
If you have siblings, they may be your first friends and playmates as a child. The bonds between siblings may be strong, especially if the siblings are close in age. However, the relationship between siblings can be toxic as well. Siblings who use emotional blackmailing and guilt trips to get what they want from you can be engaging in toxic behaviors.
It may take reflection to determine how you might want to handle such relationships with siblings. You may or may not want to cut your siblings out of your life, or you may wish to limit the time you spend with them. You can take control of your decisions and set healthy boundaries.
Toxic love from romantic partners
Another possible setting for toxic love is in romantic relationships. This type of toxic love may be difficult to see when you are in the depths of the relationship. And if you have had toxic relationships in other areas of your life, it may be especially difficult to see beyond the love you feel to the relationship’s true nature.
Many toxic romantic relationships can be very passionate. There may be definite lows, but there may also be intense highs. Over time, the toxicity of the relationship may worsen. As toxic behaviors become the norm, the highs may become fewer and farther between. You might also fear being alone or feel apprehensive about what would happen if you left.
Recognizing abuse in a toxic relationship
The clearest sign of a toxic relationship may be abuse, which can be very dangerous. While physical abuse may be easy to recognize, mental and emotional abuse may be trickier. It may be difficult to know if you are experiencing emotional or mental abuse because it may begin subtly.
Controlling behavior
One example of such abuse can be controlling behavior. When your partner seeks to make your decisions for you or controls your actions frequently, it can be a sign of toxic love. Control may be outright or subtle. Your partner may tell you what to do and react negatively if you don’t obey. Or, they could allow you to believe you are making your own decisions, while in reality, they may be manipulating your behavior by expressing what does and does not please them. When they are not pleased, they could be unreasonably angry and lash out.
Emotional blackmail
They may also use emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want, such as telling you how much they will be hurt or upset if you don't do as they ask. A potential sign that you could be in a toxic relationship is if your partner constantly tells you that they could leave at any time. Threats of leaving the relationship can be blackmail and a way to control your behavior.
Constant belittling
Another potential sign of mental and emotional abuse is being told that nothing you do is right. If you are constantly being told that you are doing something wrong, or if you are constantly being belittled, this can be very damaging. As such behavior continues over time, your self-esteem and mental health may suffer.
Examining your feelings
Then, try to think about how you feel about yourself currently. Do you now believe that you are not good enough? Are you afraid to make your own decisions? Have you toned down or stopped certain behaviors that used to come naturally to you to please your partner? Are you sad more often than you are happy? Evaluating your answers may tell you something about the relationship.
It may also be helpful to examine your feelings about the relationship. You might make excuses for them to your friends and family, trying to convince others that you see something in them that others do not. You may love this person, but are you happy? How often do they show their love for you in tangible or intangible ways? Do you often fear that you will displease your partner? These can all be signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Daily signs of toxic love
Toxic relationships don't always happen overnight and can range in severity, but sometimes, when the relationship reaches an unreasonable level, the signs can be everywhere. One of the most recognizable warning signs that you may be in a toxic relationship may be chronic unhappiness.
Included below are a few other signs of toxic love:
Your partner withholds affection for perceived faults in your behavior.
When you express concern, show you are upset, or talk about disappointments, your partner turns the tables and blames you for the situation.
Your partner makes all the decisions, big or small, from what to eat for dinner to where you will go on vacation.
When you make a decision your partner doesn't like, they lash out at you in anger and belittle you.
Your partner finds ways to get out of social engagements and uses emotional blackmail to keep you from going to engagements without them.
Your partner overhears a conversation and coaches you on your responses to the other person.
You are expected to give your all to activities and time spent together, but you get nothing in return.
Your partner yells during small disagreements or out of the blue.
Your partner throws or hits things.
When you go somewhere without your partner, you are accused of misdeeds or made to feel guilty for not taking them along.
You are expected to check in while at work, and if you don't, you are lectured or yelled at for it when you return home.
If any of these signs sound familiar to you and happen regularly in your relationship, it could be a sign that you are experiencing toxic love.
Coping with toxic love through therapy
Experiencing toxic love can lead to stress and other mental health challenges, and online therapy may be a way to work through these concerns with the help of a licensed therapist. Since toxic love can exist in a variety of relationships and lead to a range of concerns, a potential benefit of online therapy is its versatility: depending on your needs, you may be connected with an individual or couples therapist specializing in different issues.
Effectiveness of online therapy for people in a toxic relationship
There is a growing amount of evidence showing that online therapy may be an effective way of helping couples and individuals who are in strained relationships. One such study conducted a broad overview of online interventions for couples experiencing relationship distress. It found that online interventions may be effective in improving the functioning of the relationship and the mental health of individuals in the relationship.
Navigating toxic love can be very challenging, and it can be difficult to determine how to move forward in the way that is best for you. You may choose to attempt to mend the relationship, leave the relationship, or change the nature of the relationship through clear boundaries. Whatever you choose, an online therapist may be able to help.
Takeaway
What is the difference between toxic love and real love?
Real love is founded upon mutual respect, trust, and a desire to build each other up through personal growth and mental well-being; toxic love is fueled by control, possessiveness, and emotional manipulation.
In romantic love, emotions deepen with time in a positive, nurturing way. In a healthy relationship, both partners are aware of each other’s feelings and work through challenges with compassion. It is rooted in shared intention and connection.
Toxic love can feel intense but lacks stability, as it often stems from past emotional wounds or unmet needs. Toxicity can createanxiety, depression, and a sense of being trapped in the relationship. Where genuine love sets its sight on understanding and conflict resolution, toxic love seeks to escalate arguments without resolution.
What causes toxic relationships?
Toxic relationships may stem from past trauma, unmet emotional needs, or behaviors learned during childhood that result in an insecure attachment style. These roots may be exacerbated by emotional insecurity or a lack of self-awareness in one or both partners, both of which can break down productive communication and lead to toxic patterns. Additionally, societal pressures, such as gender norms, may play a role. For example, some women feel compelled to stay in harmful relationships due to societal expectations.
Why is toxic love so strong?
Toxic love can feel powerful because of the intensity of the relationship’s highs and lows. It can be difficult to break away when the relationship is in an enjoyable phase, but it can also be difficult to leave in a low phase, especially if an individual craves the reconciliation and the return to the enjoyable phase.
These intense ups and downs are often mistaken for passion, and the importance of the relationship gets falsely magnified. The heightened emotions and dramatic twists of a toxic relationship can make it feel deeper than stable relationships. Fear of feeling alone or facing the world without a partner can also motivate a person to cling to toxic love despite its negative effects on a person’s best interest.
What does a toxic relationship feel like?
The emotional highs of a toxic relationship may feel exhilarating, but the lows are marked by a near-constant fear of upsetting the partner. This can result in anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, and diminished self-worth. This “rollercoaster” of ups and downs can make someone feel trapped in a cycle where the present is suffocating and the future is uncertain. Living in this cycle with a lack of genuine connection can cause a partner to feel isolated, often leading to emotional exhaustion or depression.
How do you know if toxic behaviors, emotional abuse, or domestic violence affect your relationship?
A relationship is generally toxic if one person exerts control or influence that limits the other partner’s sense of self or personal growth.
- Bring your awareness to how often you feel anxious or on edge in your partner’s presence.
- Pay attention to the progression of conflicts and arguments. If they consistently escalate without any attempt to course-correct, reflect, or improve, toxic behaviors are likely present.
- Recognize signs of emotional abuse, including being constantly put down, ignored or manipulated.
- Understand that any measure of physical violence is unacceptable in any relationship.
Feeling safe and supported in your romantic relationship is critical to its success and your well-being. If this is missing, it may be best that the relationship ends.
Is toxic love still real love?
True love should elevate both partners’ well-being, not deplete it. Although toxic love can feel intense, passionate, and all-consuming, it lacks the genuine nurturing qualities of real love. People who are engaged in a toxic relationship may care for one another despite its destructive foundation, but caring without healthy boundaries is not sustainable.
Why do people crave toxic love?
Because entry into toxic love is often fueled by past trauma, unmet needs, or a pattern learned from childhood, the drama and emotions associated with it may provide a sense of purpose or validation. Some people in toxic relationships may not know what healthy love looks like, so they mistake the turbulence for passion and romance.
Can toxic love be fixed?
With a consistent and mutual commitment to change, some toxic dynamics can heal through self-work and therapy. If only one partner is willing to work, the relationship is unlikely to continue sustainably. However, relationships that include emotional abuse or domestic violence require immediate intervention; safety must supersede any attempt to repair the relationship.
When can love become toxic?
Love can become toxic when jealousy, control, and manipulation overshadow trust and empathy. When partners lose their ability to communicate in an honest, open, and respectful way, resentment and possessiveness may grow in the gaps. Love also becomes toxic when it shifts its focus from fostering growth to stifling individuality, prioritizing short-term gratification over emotional health and mutual respect.
Can loving someone too much be toxic for mental health?
Yes, loving someone so much that an individual is willing to sacrifice their well-being and neglect self-care can be toxic and lead to mental health concerns like exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and a loss of identity. If you or someone you know may be in this situation, consider whether the relationship is supportive of emotional health or draining to it.
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