Codependency And Addicted To Love: Mental Health Impact
Dependence can strain a relationship and potentially lead to codependency. People who struggle with codependency in relationships may have difficulty setting boundaries and expressing their own needs and wants. A codependent relationship generally includes two people, the “helper” and the “helped,” who are deeply intertwined. The helper may rely on the helped to provide them with value and bolster their sense of self, while the helped may rely on the helper to take care of all their needs. It can be possible to experience healthier relationships and to be happy on your own, and an online therapist can help you learn to let go of codependency.
Codependency and addicted to love
Codependency is a term that is not typically used in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) because it’s not considered to be a medical diagnosis. It is, however, a term used frequently in the realm of psychology.
This article focuses on romantic partners in codependent relationships.
Why codependency might not be healthy
Codependency may seem healthy, but it typically is not. The reason that codependency can be detrimental may be because it often doesn’t allow people to seek fulfillment on their own. When you are codependent, you may want others to validate you and meet all your needs, and that may lead to disappointment. It can be healthier to independently seek out things that lead to a full and contenrted life, and then have a partner who adds joy to your life. Different types of people may tend to gravitate toward codependent relationships. Here are some of the common personality types and roles in this type of relationship:
The helper
People who are “fixers” or like to help others might end up in codependent relationships because they may feel valued in these dynamics. Helping another individual can satisfy their search for value. While helping others can be great, a healthy relationship typically can’t be built on this alone, and healthy relationships tend to have greater reciprocity related to giving and receiving. It may be important that you search for confidence and self-worth within yourself. People are sometimes drawn to codependent relationships because they get satisfaction from being needed. This is generally the case for the role of the “helper” in a codependent relationship.
The helped
In codependent relationships, there is often both a helper and a person being helped. The “helped” person usually has many needs and may seek to be fixed or coddled. Instead of looking to fix themselves or finding mental health recovery through therapy or medication, they might look to their partner to fix their problems. This may not be optimal because that person is their partner, not their therapist or psychiatrist. A person who wants to be helped through a codependent relationship will often be disappointed because they usually aren’t getting well or getting to where they want to be. The individual in this role must generally seek stability and help on their own rather than expecting to receive everything they want and need from their partner.
Is it okay to love being loved?
In general, it is okay to love being loved. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner loves you deeply. However, you don’t need to be involved in a codependent situation. Codependent dynamics often aren’t true love. In a loving relationship, both people normally care for and love themselves as well as each other. It can be important to define what love is so that we can better understand how to avoid codependency and rely on interdependence or independence instead.
What is love, and what is codependency?
Love can be defined as an intense, emotional exprerience where you have a sense of affection for someone else. When you love somebody, you may care deeply about them, their feelings, and what happens in their life. You may want to see them achieve their goals.
Codependency can be a learned behavior that may negatively affect a person and others. Codependent individuals may rely on other people to get approval for their behavior. They might avoid confrontation because they don’t want to leave the relationship, and they may feel abandoned if their partner chooses to take care of themselves instead of them.
Dangers of codependency and addicted to love in relationships
A codependent person who is a “helper” may be driven to help the other person and might sacrifice themselves in the process. There’s often a fine line between codependency and abusive relationships. Sometimes, codependent relationships can become toxic or abusive. That dynamic can happen in relationships involving a person with a substance use disorder and a caretaker, for example, but there are many ways that codependent relationships can play out.
Codependency, substance abuse, and behavior
People with substance use disorders may have trouble being honest. Those in a codependent relationship with someone who has a substance use disorder may find that their partner is deeply invested in the relationship and will do anything to keep it—including telling lies. That’s not to say that all people living with substance use disorders are dishonest, but this behavior may become common in codependent relationships.
Codependency and mental health after childhood abuse
If you were neglected as a child, you might seek approval from other people because you perhaps didn’t get that approval when you were younger. Approval-seeking behavior can be a hallmark of codependency. It may be important to recognize when you are engaging in codependent behavior and learn how to cope. If you’re having trouble understanding codependency and why it is present, you can speak to a therapist online or in your area.
Are you in a codependent relationship?
Now that you may understand codependency a bit better, let’s answer the question, “How do you know if you’re in a codependent relationship?” Here are a few things to ask yourself:
Do I rely on my partner to feel good about myself?
If the answer is “yes,” you might be codependent. If you’re having difficulty finding good things about yourself and you tend to rely on others for validation and confidence, this can be another sign of codependency.
Can I take care of myself, or do I rely on my partner too much?
One of the deep-seated challenges of codependency can be the fear of losing the other person. It can be a concern because you can become so interconnected with your partner that if you lose them, you might believe that you would also lose yourself. Ask yourself, “Am I able to function on my own, or do I need my partner to accomplish this?” Keep in mind that this question generally pertains to emotional neediness, not caretaking or financial support. It can be helpful to remember that you are a unique and powerful human being who doesn’t need to attach yourself to anyone else to be fulfilled, content, or complete. You can enjoy relationships with others, but they will often be more rewarding when you love yourself first.
Love addiction and recovery in a codependent relationship
With codependency, there is often a deep fear of not being able to function without your partner. The reality is that as human beings, we can sustain ourselves and function without specific interpersonal relationships in our lives. It can be painful to lose someone you love, but you’re not likely to waste away without them. People are generally here to enrich our lives, not sustain them.
Learning to be okay by yourself
It can be important to learn to enjoy being alone. In life, we may all cherish relationships, but it is often a fallacy to think we need to be with someone to be fully content. Remember that the most important things can be to work on yourself, gain or maintain stability, and love yourself. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to love everything about yourself. We all may have things we need to work on, but it can be important to know that you have what it takes to improve.
A great place to start learning to love yourself is in therapy. Research shows that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy. When it comes to couples, one study found that video-based therapy generally allowed many couples to experience a greater sense of control and comfort through the use of technology.
If you are interested in the support of a therapist, consider joining an online therapy platform. A licensed therapist can help you develop personalized strategies to boost your self-esteem and improve your self-awareness in ways you can apply to your love life. Plus, you can attend sessions at a time that fits your schedule from any location with an internet connection.
Takeaway
What does codependent love feel like compared to substance abuse?
Codependent love is characterized by an imbalance of power within the relationship. People in codependent relationships tend to perceive that they don’t have an identity or purpose or can’t function without the relationship. That individual might consistently make significant sacrifices for their partner or give much more in the relationship— while the other person is content to have their needs met without giving anything in return.
Just as substance abuse can create a dependency where the individual feels they cannot function without the substance, codependent love can create a similar emotional dependency. In both cases, the person may sacrifice their well-being, identity, and values to maintain the relationship or habit, leading to a cycle of unhealthy behavior that is difficult to break.
Individuals in codependent relationships might give up their interests, identity, or values to accommodate their partner. They might believe that their needs and desires are insignificant, so they won’t voice them to their partner. Over time, they might forget those needs and desires to the point that they don’t recognize them.
Here are a few signs you might be in a codependent relationship:
- You’re unhappy in other areas of your life outside of accommodating your partner
- You sacrifice your time, energy, and resources to give your partner what they want
- You’ll do whatever they want to at your own expense
- You feel guilty about having desires or needs in the relationship, so you won’t express them
- Your desire to make your partner happy creates stress or anxiety in the relationship
- You stay in the relationship even though they do or say hurtful things to you
- You ignore your conscience or morals to accommodate them
- You get angry or isolate yourself from friends and loved ones when they express their concerns
Is codependency fake love or a love addiction?
Feelings of love can be very real, even for individuals in a codependent relationship, so it’s difficult to say that there is such a thing as “fake” love. However, the love one feels in a codependent relationship is often mistaken for healthy, true love. Real love is present when both partners contribute to the relationship equally and can communicate their wants and needs. They have a strong sense of self and a well-rounded personal life outside of the relationship.
How do I love without being codependent?
There are a few steps you might take to avoid falling into codependent patterns in a relationship:
- Identify your wants and needs
Did you once enjoy a hobby but gave it up because your partner wasn’t interested in participating? Do you need support coping with a high-stress job, but they dismiss your feelings, so you do too? Some people in codependent relationships get so entangled in making their partner happy that they forget their own wants and needs. Re-discovering them can help you express love without codependency.
- Set and enforce boundaries
Once you’ve established what you need and want in your relationship, think about how your wants and needs aren’t being met and communicate about that. Let your partner know if you sense that your feelings are being dismissed or they do not value you. Then, communicate your needs, what you’re okay with, and what you aren’t. It’s essential for them to know your limits, but it’s also important for you so that you may identify when your boundaries aren’t being respected.
- Make time for personal growth
Self-improvement can help remind you of your strengths, talents, and value as a person outside of your relationship. This may require taking some time to reflect on your goals and what you’d like to accomplish in your own life, but once you identify things you’d like to focus on outside of the relationship to better yourself, you can begin working on those to help boost your self-esteem.
- Practice self-care
Eat well, get enough rest, and exercise regularly. These things are at the foundation of self-care and can help you pave the way for other healthy lifestyle habits. Spend time doing things you enjoy that you’re good at, such as a hobby, sport, or other activity. Nurture your relationships outside of your relationship with your partner.
- Spend time away from your partner
Engage in self-care and personal growth activities without your partner. While this may mean physical time apart, it can also mean engaging in activities that separate you at home. For example, you may consider journaling or developing a yoga practice at home. Spending your time involved in independent activities can change your perspective on your relationship and your life.
- Learn about attachment styles and codependency
Attachment theory was developed by psychologists to describe how childhood experiences influence relationship behaviors later in life. The four attachment styles included in the theory of attachment include secure, anxious-insecure, avoidant-insecure, and disorganized-insecure.
Codependent individuals often have an anxious-insecure attachment style learned from growing up in an environment with severe conflict or inconsistent involvement from caregivers, such as in homes with substance use disorders.
- Seek support
Spending time with family, friends, and loved ones who can support you in a caring, non-judgmental way can help you avoid codependent behaviors in relationships. Additionally, professional guidance from a counselor can help you identify your attachment style and its origins. A counselor can provide you with tools to boost self-esteem and eliminate codependent behaviors.
Can codependency be mistaken for love?
Codependency can be mistaken for love when one individual makes excessive sacrifices for the other in the name of love. They might attempt to change the other’s unhealthy habits, often at the expense of their happiness— labeling the behavior as nurturing or caring. Codependency may be mistaken for love when one partner is willing to change or give up fundamental parts of their personhood/personality and think of it as “dedication.”
What do codependents crave?
What one craves from a codependent relationship typically differs between individuals, but some codependents crave the perception of being “needed” by their partners. They might look for validation in the relationship or, in some cases, obtain a sense of security when they believe codependent behaviors will make their partners stay with them.
Research suggests that some people may be at greater risk for codependency due to differences in brain structure and functioning. Sometimes, an individual will exhibit codependent behaviors later in life because they had a caregiver who was codependent.
Can a relationship survive codependency?
It is possible for a relationship to survive codependency as long as both parties are committed to changing the behaviors, cultivating balance, and communicating regularly.
Is codependency OK in a relationship for your mental health and recovery?
Codependency in a relationship is not okay for several reasons. First, it can damage self-esteem and contribute to mental health issues. Codependent behaviors in a relationship often create troubles in different areas of life outside the relationship. With time, codependent behaviors may lead to issues with incompetency and a lack of ability to care for oneself.
What does a codependent girlfriend look like?
Sometimes, it can be tricky to recognize if your girlfriend is expressing love or codependency, but there are some key signs. For example, your girlfriend may be codependent if she exhibits an obsessive need to give you what you want, even if it’s at her own expense. She might have low self-esteem and be a chronic “people-pleaser.” She might be unwilling to set boundaries or establish a life outside of her life with you. Codependent people might also belittle themselves or diminish their positive traits to gain validation.
How do codependent relationships usually end?
How any relationship ends depends on many factors, but issues of codependency typically create resentment from all parties that can have a significant impact on how the relationship ends. In some cases, the codependent person becomes jealous or suspicious and might eventually accuse their partner of cheating. People on the receiving end might begin to take advantage of their codependent partner, creating more strife and resentment.
What causes codependency in relationships and behavior?
Codependent behaviors often develop over time and are typically caused by a combination of psychological, environmental, and interpersonal factors. A person’s past relationships, upbringing, and life experiences can significantly shape their attachment style and, therefore, their tendency toward codependency.
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