Building Sibling Relationships
Around 82% of children under age 18 in the United States live with at least one sibling. Sibling relationships can affect us as we grow up and throughout our lives, and having healthy relationships with siblings when possible may help promote positive mental health. See below for more about these unique relationships and tips for building healthy bonds if you have a sibling(s).
Key factors that make sibling relationships unique
Sibling relationships can be difficult to generalize because there are so many factors involved. For example, how old were the parent(s) when each of the children was born, and what was/is their relationship like? What is the age gap between the siblings? What is the gender identity of each sibling? Under what conditions and family dynamics did they grow up? So although questions like the above give a glimpse into how varied sibling relationships can be, there are a few key characteristics that researchers have identified that make sibling relationships in general unique in comparison to other types.
Judy Dunn, a noted scholar of sibling studies, observed that sibling relationships often stand out for three primary reasons, which we’ll examine below in a bit more detail:
- Their emotional power
- Their intimacy
- The variance in these relationships (from hostile to friendly to ambivalent)
The emotional power of sibling relationships
Relationships with brothers and sisters and siblings can be intense, even from childhood. Whether you’re on good terms with your sibling(s) or have a contentious relationship, the way these connections can affect you are often significant. Reasons for this could include experiences growing up together or being each other’s first friends in childhood. Also, many siblings have seen each other grow and change since the beginning of their lives, for better or for worse, and they may have deeply joyful and/or traumatic experiences as well, which can make for a unique bond. There can also be a competitive element to sibling relationships, such as a sibling rivalry, which can make these connections feel emotionally heightened.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
The intimacy of sibling relationships
Another key characteristic of sibling relationships, as outlined by Dunn, is their level of intimacy. For example, siblings who grow up together tend to play a significant role in each other’s development. What one child does, another is likely to do—especially younger siblings. Depending on the age gap, one sibling can have even more influence on the other, which can impact their personal life, family life, and who they turn out to be. In other words, sibling relationships can profoundly shape a child’s “behavior, adjustment, and well-being, for better and worse.” That’s why many researchers who focus on this area of study believe that sibling relationships deserve much more attention from scholars, parents, and pediatricians.
The variance in sibling relationships
Why do relationships with these family members vary so much? Why can some be nearly picture-perfect, while others may be strained? Researchers used to point primarily to birth order, the biological sex of each child, and their age gap as key influences. While these factors may still be considered, several others are now more commonly taken into consideration, including:
- The personalities of each child
- The quality of relationships in the family overall
- Any social risk factors the family faces
Tips for improving sibling relationships
It’s not possible for everyone to have a close, intimate sibling relationship as they age. Distance and differing life paths, for example, can make it difficult to maintain bonds into adulthood, as can personality clashes and unresolved conflicts. That said, humans are social creatures, and research suggests that having close relationships with people we can lean on correlates with overall health—including mental health—and well-being. If you’d like to rebuild or strengthen your relationships with your sibling(s), some of these strategies could represent a positive starting point:
- Communicate openly to figure out sources of conflict and work toward resolving them
- Focus on what you have in common
- Reminisce about positive family memories
- Avoid comparing yourselves in terms of career, family life, finances, etc.
- Work toward letting go of grudges
- Actively schedule quality time together
How therapy can help
Strengthening your relationships with your siblings may involve improving your own communication skills and working through any unresolved childhood issues. It may be possible to accomplish these goals through therapy, whether you prefer the traditional in-person format or online sessions. Many people find online therapy to be more convenient since it doesn’t require traveling to and from appointments. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with virtually from the comfort of home.
Recent research suggests that online therapy may help improve relationships and mental health outcomes for families and that the effects of online therapy can be equivalent to face-to-face therapy in many cases. That means you can typically choose either format depending on your needs and preferences if you’re interested in pursuing therapy.
Takeaway
Relationships between siblings can be different from other types of relationships due to their emotional intensity, emotional power, and potential variance. These relationships may play a notable role in an individual’s childhood development and mental health as adults. Actively scheduling time together, engaging in effective communication, and avoiding comparison could help you strengthen your sibling relationships as an adult, as could meeting with a therapist.
When to let go of a sibling relationship?
A sibling relationship can be more or less healthy depending on a number of factors including family dynamics, parent/child attachment, birth order, a history of sibling rivalry and more.
Not every sibling relationship is a loving one. If you have a toxic relationship with a sibling and it is negatively impacting your mental health, then it may be time to put some distance between yourselves.
What are the 3 types of siblings?
There are 3 types of toxic sibling dynamics:
- The Black Sheep and the Golden Child
- The Eternal Child and the Mature One
- The Bully and the Silent One
What is an unhealthy sibling relationship?
There are a number of specific ways a sibling relationship may be unhealthy, however there are some common signs of toxicity. A lack of boundaries, criticism, feelings of resentment, feelings of entitlement, emotional or even physical abuse. If a relationship with a sibling creates a negative impact on your mental health, it is likely an unhealthy relationship.
Why are sibling relationships so difficult?
Sibling relationships can be difficult due to a variety of factors. This can include child development issues caused by family dynamics in which one or both of the parents is aggressive, narcissistic, unavailable, controlling, or favors one sibling over another. Brothers and sisters may also have trouble relating if they are born many years apart, if they have very different personalities, or if one or both has been exposed to trauma.
Do siblings grow apart as they age?
In some cases, they may. Family dynamics shift as siblings grow up, and time and distance can cause adult siblings to grow apart unless they are intentional about maintaining strong connections. Younger siblings and older siblings may not have much in common, especially if they were born several years apart.
What is an ideal sibling relationship?
An ideal sibling relationship is one in which they’ve created and maintain strong boundaries, and in which each sibling celebrates their similarities and accepts their differences. If they fight, they resolve their differences and don’t rehash it as part of their family narrative.
How does a toxic sister behave?
A sister may have a variety of toxic traits, depending on personality, family psychology, and other factors. Some signs of a toxic relationship you can look for include:
- Does not respect your time/space/personality
- Is overly critical
- Tries to manipulate you
- Doesn’t apologize when they hurt you
- Tells other family members about your disagreements, paints you as the bad guy
- Betrays your confidence
- Ignores you
Is it OK to not want a relationship with your siblings?
It is okay to not maintain a relationship that has a negative impact on your mental health. Societal norms of the past emphasized the importance of family connections over almost any other, however in today’s society more and more people recognize that family ties are not always ideal or even healthy. If maintaining a relationship with you sibling causes distress, then creating some distance or cutting ties completely may be beneficial.
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