You Love Your Son But Aren't Sure The Feeling Is Mutual

Many parents have moments at different stages of their children’s lives when they feel unsure if their child loves them. This can be a normal part of the growth of a child. For instance, toddler development usually includes phases of favoring one parent. This can be painful and cause insecurity for you as a parent, but it's likely a temporary phase. If you're in this position, it's important to know that it’s not necessarily a reflection on you as a parent or as a person. 

But if you’re concerned that it isn’t only a phase and you have a strong sense that your child genuinely doesn’t love you, you may have to work to find answers – and solutions. There are things you can do to cope with the difficult feelings that come with the circumstances for both you and your child, and begin to cultivate a healthy bond.

Respect their physical boundaries 

You may feel that your child doesn’t love you because they seem to be unresponsive or even uncomfortable, with physical demonstrations of affection. For example, if your toddler pushes you away or acts detached when you attempt to hug them. Or if they shrink from you when you offer to hold them or pick them up. 

A child's affections may change during adolescence, as well. It may be due to how hormonal changes affect their mood. It’s also common for adolescents to be overly concerned about how they appear in front of their friends and schoolmates. These factors may lead to your teen acting aloof and avoidant when you want to hug them.

Model good behaviors

If your child blatantly tells you that they don't love you, they may be using the words to get your attention or elicit a response. It may seem as though they’re trying to hurt you, and you may be tempted to react by saying something hurtful in return. 

But keep in mind, they’re more likely trying to let you know that they are experiencing strong emotions of some sort. Your child may be struggling with anger, sadness, and frustration, or may just feel confused and unsure of how to process those feelings. If this is the case, and you’ve reacted by saying hurtful things, you could damage the bond you cherish. 

Your child may shout or throw tantrums as a form of acting out. Yelling can be cathartic for anyone to express intense feelings, but as tempting as it may be to yell back at them, it’s important to monitor your communication so it's timely and reflects self-control. 

If we sometimes struggle as adults to keep our behavior in check amidst emotionally charged situations, it may be unrealistic to expect our children to behave differently. As difficult as it may be to keep strong emotions in check, modeling self-control will ensure that your child feels safe enough to communicate with you when they are ready. 

It also creates a home environment where acceptance and non-judgmental attitudes are the default, setting a healthy example for your child. Calm and measured communication can help you connect with an emotionally distant child and may result in a stronger relationship in the future.

Sometimes it isn't about what your child says but instead what your child isn't saying. Children of all ages often rely on nonverbal communication. From crossing their arms to balling their fists, there are many ways to identify anger without words. Whether they lack the right vocabulary or have difficulty with the emotional or physical ability to communicate verbally, it's important to pay attention to how your child is communicating. 

Give them autonomy as they get older

As our children get older, it's often natural for them to want to distance themselves from us sometimes as a healthy way to explore their autonomy and establish their identity apart from the family. They may “ghost” you when you call or email, but that’s probably more an indication that they’re wrapped up in their own lives and relationships than they don’t want to speak to you. 

When children grow up, some parents may feel jealous of or threatened by their child's partner. While it can hurt to see they’ve put someone else in a more prominent place in their lives, it’s a natural part of development. This is part of transitioning your relationship with them as they enter adulthood. It may be a transition that some parents find challenging, but encouraging them to cultivate healthy relationships with others will strengthen your bond as they get older. 

At this stage, it’s particularly important to avoid infantilizing your adult child. The negative repercussions of infantilizing an adult child can be serious, and lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. They may require independence and perhaps even complete withdrawal right now. If you provide a safe and welcoming place for them, they will return to you when they're ready.

If you notice that legitimate estrangement is developing, then you may want to be proactive and initiate a conversation with your child. Tell them that you sense a growing rift between you and that you would like to do what you can to repair it. Be honest. Let your child know that you love them and that an open, honest, and healthy relationship with them is your priority.

Online therapy for parents

If you need help navigating the difficult emotions that often come with parenting or struggling with how to tell your son you love him, it’s a good idea to seek support and guidance from a therapist trained to work with parents and families. An experienced mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings without judgment. 

With the rise in popularity of effective and convenient online counseling, it is easier than ever for people to get the help they need to cultivate better mental health, build solid relationships, and develop effective communication skills. Studies continue to affirm online therapy's effectiveness in helping parents navigate conflict with their children. A 2023 study concluded that online parent programs have positive effects on reducing emotional symptoms in children and adolescents." 

If you’re considering online therapy, platforms like BetterHelp connect licensed therapists with years of experience to parents, teaching them to communicate with their children and cope with the difficulties that sometimes accompany parenthood. BetterHelp has also devoted the platform TeenCounseling to serve children between the ages of 13-19 years old.