If You Love Something, Set It Free: How To Know When To Let Go

You may have heard the old saying, "If you love something set it free." Although it may not be applicable in every relationship, deciding when to let go of a connection can be essential in maintaining healthy dynamics in your life. Studies show that healthy relationships can improve mental health and mood overall. 

When a relationship feels unhealthy or has become challenging, you might decide to end your connection or work through the difficulties. People may not end relationships only because they love someone. The quote could be instead saying the idea that loving someone might not be enough to make a relationship healthy for both individuals. In some cases, you might love someone and still choose to let them go or set them free. 

What does "if you love something, set it free" mean?

For example, to let someone go, you may first accept that you've decided to end the relationship. 

Letting someone go might be done in a romantic, relationships, platonic friendships, or in a familial sense. Whether it’s a parent, friend, or child, you could end a relationship with anyone in your life, which may feel challenging. Letting go is normal and it can happen to each one of us unless you're in a love contract wherein you can't fully let go of things yet. Accepting that the loss is happening or that you've made a decision could feel confusing, but it is often necessary to move forward fully and find new company.

When "letting someone go," you might also do the following:

• Cut off contact
• End the relationship indefinitely 
• Get rid of items from the relationship 
• End other relationships connected to them, such as connections with their family
• Attend therapy to discuss your emotions and pain
• Process your feelings healthily, perhaps through radical acceptance
• Ignore attempts to reconnect until you've made a decision 
• Set boundaries 

Ending a relationship solely because you want someone to feel remorse or to come back to you might not be a healthy action. A cycle of breaking up, going different ways, and making up can be typical in unhealthy relationships. However, it probably isn’t the best way to overcome relationship strife. Instead of breaking up to find out if someone cares about you, you might consider couples or family therapy or a long in-depth conversation about feelings. 

Will they come back to me? 

Although the quote posted above mentions that an individual might return if they were meant to be, this might not apply to all situations. In the case of parting ways for college and leaving a long-term healthy partner due to life circumstances, you might find that you reconnect in the future, which could be an example of a "right place, wrong time" situation. However, if you leave a partner who was unhealthy or unkind to you and they return to apologize or attempt to achieve forgiveness, it may not be a healthy situation, and it may be best to set it free.

Regardless of whether someone comes back to you, it may be beneficial to remember you have free will and personal choice in the situation. The person who returns or doesn't return also has a right to their boundaries. If either of you feels the situation is unhealthy, it might be. Relationship quotes may not fully estimate the intricacies of relationships.

Reasons why it might be time to let go

There are several reasons why someone might prefer to let go of a relationship or connection with another person, including the following.  

The relationship has become unhealthy 

Relationships may become unhealthy for various reasons. Not all unhealthy relationships are necessarily abusive. However, abuse can be a reason for letting go of a connection. Examples of unhealthy and abusive behaviors include the following: 

• Emotional manipulation 
• Unkindness
• Infidelity
• Physical abuse
• Guilt-tripping 
• Gaslighting 
• A lack of empathy 
• A lack of communication
• Differing goals, morals, or values
• Isolation 
• Sexual harassment, assault, or abuse
• Dishonesty
• A lack of trust 
• A lack of intimacy 
• Yelling or raising one's voice 
• Unhealthy expressions of anger, such as slamming doors
• A lack of fairness in household chores or finances 

You are no longer in love

In the case of a romantic relationship, individuals might decide to break up if one or both no longer feels in love. Continuing a relationship without love or connection could be painful or challenging. Trying to force feelings to arise often leads to pain, as it can be challenging to change the way you feel. People frequently choose to break up to avoid future pains. In the future, these feelings could change, or they may not. 

You lost the person to a breakup or outside circumstance 

At times, letting go of someone may be forced upon you, as you might have experienced a breakup or lost them due to death, illness, or an unexpected circumstance, like moving long-distance. Acceptance may be a healthy way to move forward if you've recently lost someone. It is also the final stage of grief. If you struggle to let go after a loss, consider speaking to a grief or relationship therapist. Online counseling may be helpful in this type of situation.

You want to focus on yourself

If you want the freedom to focus on yourself or feel suffocated or stressed by the fact that you're in a relationship, you might decide to end the connection to tend to your needs and spend more time independently and learn more about yourself before you commit to someone. Although this can be a healthy choice, it may feel difficult to set them free if you still love the person or had hopes and goals with them. 

You aren't sure if the relationship is right for you 

At times, you may feel unsure if a relationship is right for you or healthy. In these cases, you might decide to let go to take some time alone to discover what you want. Although the person might not be available anymore when you make a decision, it could offer some clarity overall, and you may find more decisiveness in future relationships.

Love may not be "enough" 

Sometimes, people who love each other decide to end a relationship despite the love they feel. They may feel that love is not enough to keep the relationship healthy. Despite many efforts, they might experience conflict, challenges, and stress. In these cases, it could be a healthy choice to let go. However, many couples try couples therapy before making the decision, and 70% find it effective. If you and your partner have true love, it may be worth trying to work through it before letting go of the relationship.

How to practice radical acceptance 

Radical acceptance is a skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that outlines how to accept circumstances you may not be able to change. It can help reduce emotional distress based on grief, loss, breakups, or difficult decisions. You can practice it through the following steps: 

1. Determine what you want to accept. Is it a loss? A breakup? A stressor in your life? 
2. Remind yourself why this situation cannot be changed or why you do not want to change it. 
3. Remind yourself of the situation's causes and why those causes led to it. 
4. Practice accepting your reality openly. If you feel judged or hear unkind thoughts in your head, let them pass without judging or refuting them. Then, go back to accepting. 
5. Imagine a scenario where you fully accept the situation and what it might look like. How would you act, feel, and think? 
6. Be empathetic to your bodily sensations and emotions. Accepting doesn't necessarily mean not feeling hurt or upset about the situation or rejection. You can feel your emotions. 
7. If you struggle with acceptance, do a pros and cons chart of accepting the situation. 

Counseling options 

Many individuals who decide to let go of a connection may feel anxious or struggle with grief, upset, confusion, and other distressing emotions. During these times, it could be beneficial to speak to a professional. Additionally, if you're in a relationship or marriage, you might benefit from speaking to a couples counselor before deciding on the fate of your relationship. 

Online therapy

Couples and individual counseling can be done in person or online. Online therapy is an often popular alternative to traditional counseling because it can be done on your schedule and is often more flexible. Additionally, it can be available to those unable to meet an in-person therapist due to disabilities, finances, distance, or availability. Studies show that internet-based modalities can be more effective than traditional therapy for many issues, including depression and anxiety.  

If you're interested in trying online counseling, consider signing up through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Both platforms offer phone, video, or live chat sessions with a licensed therapist.