Love Behind Screens: How Media Affects Perceptions Of Love
Media may play a role in shaping your worldview from early childhood into adulthood. Film, music, news, and social media posts can influence your perception of people, places, situations, and concepts, including success and love. Many studies have also connected social media to increased levels of stress.
In popular media, love and romance are popular topics. Movies, music, television shows, novels, and social media content perpetuate stories of love, heartbreak, and steamy romance. Alongside fictional works, reality shows, and tabloids often latch onto “real life” love stories to generate an audience. These images and ideas are often exaggerated for entertainment.
Due to its significance, many forms of media give false impressions about love. While the consumption of love and romance-centric media is common and enjoyable for many individuals, its influence can affect expectations and feelings in real-life relationships, which may be positive or negative, depending on the consequences.
What is idealization?
It may be beneficial to understand the concept of idealization when exploring how the media affects the perception of love. Idealization is defined as the conception of a person or situation that dwells on advantages and ignores deficiencies. Often, idealizing means believing something or someone is “perfect” despite potential flaws.
Idealization of love behind screens and other media
While the portrayal of love in media may shift based on the genre of media, in many of its forms, love, and relationships are idealized in these images. For example, Disney classics like Cinderella, Snow White, and The Little Mermaid portray “true love” grandiosely. Often, these popular fairytales are consumed at an early age.
This early exposure to an unrealistic narrative that true love results in living “happily ever after” in a heterosexual relationship often sets children and adults up to strive toward an idealized version of love that might not fit your realistic expectations. Even in media marketed towards adults, romance is often portrayed as flawless or undying.
While the saying “no one is perfect” may seem somewhat oversimplified, it can be objectively true. When it comes to love, seeking out an idealistic romance often leads to disappointment. Though some romantic partners may be more compatible than others, relationships often have flaws, challenges, and conflicts.
How love behind screens and other media can impact perceptions in relationships
There are several ways media impacts public perceptions about love in the US, including the following.
Identity and diversity
Along with shaping one’s perception of love, consuming media often influences personal views of societal norms and values. Though the push for diverse representation in media has made strides, people with minority identities remain underrepresented in mainstream entertainment.
A lack of diverse love, such as interracial love, LGBTQIA+ love, and many other forms of love in mainstream media, may harm one’s perception of love. Media often dictates views of what love “should” look like, which is shown to children and people who are impressionable. When a young BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ child only sees heterosexual or white couples on TV, they might assume that the type of relationships they crave are unhealthy or unrealistic. They may believe that they must hide themselves or seek out unfulfilling or traumatic relationships.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Alternatively, media that depicts many different instances of love can positively affect those it represents. Diverse representation also has the potential to widen the lens of love for those who may hold a limited view.
Idealization of unhealthy behaviors in relationships
Another potentially harmful effect of modern media comes from idealizing certain unhealthy relationship behaviors, such as jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior. While these characteristics are often portrayed as romantic or passionate on screen, these behaviors are detrimental to the health and functionality of a relationship in real life.
An example of this behavior comes from the movie and book series Twilight. In the series, a main character pursues his love interest by obsessing over her with possessive behaviors, including sneaking into her house and watching her sleep. Although portrayed as romantic in the movie, this behavior would be illegal and scary in real life.
When a child or adult sees this portrayal of love in their media acted out by attractive actors and actresses pretending to be in love, they may believe that the behavior is romantic. If someone enters an unhealthy relationship with patterns like these, they might romanticize it, believing that the push and pull of an unhealthy relationship is part of “passionate love.”
Considerable influence
While media effects the perception of love requires continuing research, a study published in 2014 by the University of Michigan determined that TV and film can heavily influence an individual’s romantic ideals. The study surveyed 625 college students about how often they watched 93 romantic movies, 17 relationship-centric sitcoms, and several marriage-themed reality shows.
The responses indicated that participants with more exposure to romantic movies strongly believed that “love” finds a way. In comparison, those with higher exposure to sitcoms featuring characters who dated multiple partners had lower levels of idealization yet believed that “true love” is “perfect.”
“The media may be teaching us what sort of beliefs we should have about romantic relationships,” said Julia Lippman, a postdoctoral research fellow in the UM Department of Psychology. “It is possible that frequent exposure to romance and courtship in this idealized form could lead viewers to adopt equally idealized notions about relationships in the real world.”
Unrealistic ideals
While maintaining a favorable and hopeful view of love and romance could positively affect relationships, it can be helpful to determine the difference between real-life love and fantasy. Unrealistic ideals influenced by the media can often create disadvantages when seeking or engaging in romantic relationships. For example, you might struggle to notice red flags in a potential partner if you’ve seen them portrayed as romantic on TV.
Counseling options for couples and individuals
If you feel that the idealization of love has negatively affected your romantic pursuits or real-life relationships, it may be helpful to seek an outside perspective. Speaking with a trusted friend or family member in a relationship that you admire can be helpful in tempering expectations and understanding the ins, outs, ups, and downs of a healthy and lasting love. In addition, talking to a therapist could be beneficial.
Online therapy for couples
If you often use online media, you might feel more comfortable talking to an online therapist. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples offers individuals and couples the chance to connect by phone, video, or live chat sessions with extra benefits like worksheets, webinars, and journaling features. Online therapy can also be more convenient for those with busy schedules.
According to research, couples therapy has proven to have positive effects on over 70% of couples participating in treatment. If you’re ready to get started, you can sign up with an online platform or contact a therapist offering telehealth services through their practice. Additional research shows no difference in the effectiveness between in-person and online counseling.
Takeaway
What is the difference between fantasy love and healthy love?
Fantasy love refers to a love that is primarily rooted in ideas that don’t reflect real life. For example, someone might fall in love with a celebrity online through a computer screen and believe that the celebrity is in a secret relationship with them. Another person might form an unhealthy attachment to someone they’re talking to even when their feelings aren’t reciprocated, believing that they’re in a real relationship over the internet with someone who doesn’t have the same perspective. Fantasy love can also look like limerence, an unhealthy obsession with somebody based on the desire to gain their approval and attention.
Contrarily, healthy love involves a mutual understanding that both parties are in a relationship or in love with each other. In healthy love, there is communication, mutual interest, compassion, affection, and honesty. Both parties have their own identity outside of the relationship, and both people are able to tell the same story when asked what type of relationship they have with each other. There is a deep awareness on both sides and hopes for the future that align with reality. They may have shared friends or children and spend a significant amount of time together.
Can you fall in love with a fantasy?
It is possible to fall in love with a fantasy ideal of someone. For example, if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your needs, you might fall in love with the potential for the future. Instead of seeing their behavior for what it is, you may frequently daydream and imagine them being what you need. You may play fun moments over and over in your head to try to convince yourself of the ideal you’ve created. As the relationship progresses, you may become more and more attached to the ideas you create instead of the actual person in your life. As you realize you aren’t happy, you might experience mental health consequences and begin to resent the power dynamic that has developed between you.
Why does love feel like a fantasy?
Love can feel like a fantasy at the start of relationships because of the psychology and science behind it. When you fall in love, the pleasure centers of your brain are activated, releasing neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin. Dopamine can cause an exhilarating sensation, whereas oxytocin can bind you to someone by increasing your emotional connection. Most people experience this chemical release most frequently during the beginning six months to a year of a relationship. Dopamine is also impacted by substance use, sex, and other potentially addictive behaviors, so love can seem like a fantasy or type of “high” at first.
Why do people love fantasy so much?
Fantasies may be easier for people to process and digest, as the concept of a perfect relationship is often more digestible than the actual practice of dating another complex human being. Real relationships take hard work, and some people may not have the emotional space to work on them or be present in a complex dynamic. It might seem safer and more comfortable to express love in a form that doesn’t require much of a process or thought. However, the consequence of fantasy and creating words or scenarios in your head is that you do not truly, vulnerably connect with another person to the point that you can build a sustainable connection that leads to success.
What types of relationships are a fantasy?
Any relationship not based in reality could be based on fantasy. For example, a relationship primarily existing on a social media site like Facebook where someone is not being honest about their identity, age, or other characteristics might be a fantasy relationship. Behind a browser, people can be whoever they want to be and hide important details about themselves and their lives. For example, if you’re speaking to a guy online and he refuses to video call, contact you on the phone, or meet in person, it may be a sign that he’s not who he says he is or doesn’t exist and is someone else entirely. Try to get a sense of the reality of a situation by talking to others in your life about the relationship, practicing internet safety tips, and considering therapy if you have a pattern of fantasy relationships.
Can fantasy affect reality?
Yes, a fantasy can affect reality. Psychologists know that behaviors are directly impacted by thoughts and emotions. So, for example, if you are frustrated and think “I broke my favorite necklace. My boyfriend caused this to occur because he doesn’t love me enough,” you might take out this thought on your boyfriend by treating him differently, even if he hadn’t actually done anything. Because of the fantasy belief that he didn’t feel the same, your thoughts impacted your reality, making him the subject of an untrue belief. You may subconsciously behave differently toward a person if you feel fantasy love toward them, as well. For example, if you love a friend who doesn’t feel the same way romantically, you might form subconscious expectations of them that put pressure on the friendship, even if you aren’t trying to.
Is it good for your mental health to have a fantasy life?
Since fantasies can lead to real-life changes in behavior, they aren’t often considered healthy. A healthy form of a fantasy is a visualization meditation, in which you visualize scenes to help you regulate your emotions. However, having a full fantasy relationship or life with someone in your mind is not reality and may lead to stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Fantasies are sometimes used as a coping skill for challenges or past traumas. However, you may benefit from working through these challenges in therapy instead of turning your life into a game or fantasy in your head.
Is fantasy good in a relationship?
Fantasy can sometimes be good in a relationship, such as when incorporating it into the bedroom to roleplay a character and improve intimacy. If you and your partner feel called toward a certain artistic medium together, you might practice fantasy through creating art and music. However, one-sided fantasy is generally considered unhealthy. Letting your mind run free with ideas not based in reality can change how you treat others. If the fantasy is harming your relationship, you might benefit from talking to a therapist.
What are the characteristics of a fantasy romance?
Fantasy romance is generally a genre of writing in which characters in a fantasy world or setting have a romantic connection. All romance books are different, but common tropes include enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, and forbidden romance.
How do you let go of a fantasy relationship?
If you’ve built up a relationship in your mind that doesn’t match your reality, you’re not alone. Many people rely on fantasy love to cope with unrequited love and other challenges, and some people may struggle to discern reality from fantasy because of how strong love can feel. If you relate, you might benefit from talking to a therapist. You can also journal about your feelings and then list out all the facts of the situation that can’t be disproven. See if any of your feelings and thoughts match up with the facts. If they don’t, they may be fantasies.
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