Love Gone Wrong: Malignant Self-Love And Narcissism
- For those experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- For those experiencing abuse, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- For those experiencing substance use, please contact SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
Understanding malignant self-love and narcissism
Self-love frequently receives positive attention, often conjuring up images of bubble baths, scented candles, and quiet nights to yourself. While taking care of your wants and needs can improve your mental health, there may be a line where self-love crosses from something positive to something more self-centered and damaging. This malignant self-love could damage relationships and even be characterized as a form of narcissism. Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, and speaking to a therapist through an online therapy platform can be an effective method to determine whether the way you practice self-love is healthy and how you may improve it.
What is malignant self-love?
Malignant self-love is a term coined by Dr. Sam Vaknin and popularized by his book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Malignant self-love generally refers to the malevolent form that self-love can take and that is often exhibited by people with narcissistic traits. Dr. Vaknin is reported to have personal experience with narcissistic personality disorder, and the book he wrote is largely based on scientific research paired with his reflection and first-hand account of the disorder.
What is narcissism?
People often mistakenly confuse narcissism for vanity or self-centeredness, but it can be much more severe than that. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable mental disorder that can drastically affect the lives of the person with the condition and everyone around them, potentially including romantic partners, children, family, friends, and coworkers.
In psychology, the definition of narcissism can be narrower and more concrete than how people typically use the term. Rather than being used to describe a rude, self-centered, vain, or selfish person, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is generally defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. The term narcissism is believed to have been taken from the Greek legend of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in a pond.
Diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder
Diagnosing NPD can be difficult because people with the disorder are often manipulative. It can be challenging for a mental health specialist to obtain an accurate history. People with NPD can be aggressive when questioned or confronted, and the level of aggression seems to correlate with the severity of the disorder.
Characteristics of NPD
According to the DSM-V, for a diagnosis of NPD, an individual must exhibit five of the following characteristics, beginning by early adulthood:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of beauty, brilliance, power, success, or perfect love
- A belief that they are special and only other special people can understand them
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement and expectation of favorable treatment
- A habit of exploiting and taking advantage of others for their purposes
- A lack of empathy and refusal to meet others' needs
- Arrogant, haughty attitudes and behaviors
Complications can arise with NPD, including substance use disorders and mood disorders, and it can be common for someone with NPD to have other personality disorders, which can complicate treatment.
Causes of narcissism
The cause of narcissism may currently be unknown, but it likely results from a combination of childhood trauma (including physical, verbal, or sexual abuse*), genetics, personality, temperament, and early relationships with parents, relatives, and friends.
When does self-love become narcissistic?
Self-love can be healthy. It generally means respecting yourself, prioritizing your well-being, and knowing your boundaries and limits. Someone with a healthy level of self-love may eat healthy food, exercise regularly, get adequate sleep each night, and say “no” to commitments they cannot follow through on. Self-love is not always glamorous; it can simply involve treating yourself with respect and kindness.
Self-love can turn to malignant self-love when it becomes less about supporting your health and more about giving yourself glory, pomp, and importance. In a healthy relationship with yourself, you may think well of yourself and others. In a malignant relationship with yourself, you may think highly of yourself to the exclusion of others. It might be challenging to detect malignant self-love in yourself, particularly if it has developed over time.
Malignant self-love and narcissism
Malignant self-love can look like narcissism, and someone who engages in malignant self-love may indeed have NPD. But it can be crucial to distinguish between someone acting selfishly or being self-centered and someone with NPD. As mentioned, diagnosing NPD can be difficult, and the only people qualified to make a diagnosis are licensed mental health professionals.
Getting help for safeguarding from narcissism
With the help of a therapist, people with NPD can change their thought patterns and behavior, but because people with this condition tend to have low self-esteem and may not handle criticism well, they are not always willing to go to therapy.
If you have a close relationship with someone with NPD, whether they’re your friend, parent, or romantic partner, therapy can be extremely helpful. These relationships are often turbulent and may include multiple types of abuse. Talking to a licensed therapist can get you the support you need if you're in a relationship with a person who has NPD.
Online therapy for malignant self-love and narcissism
Online therapy often has many benefits for people who exhibit traits of NPD or show signs of malignant self-love. If you’re hesitant to reach out to a therapist or feel uncomfortable talking to someone face-to-face, talking to a licensed therapist online can make it easier to begin addressing your symptoms.
Many therapists advocate for ongoing treatment for someone with NPD, and finding a qualified therapist in a comfortable environment can make you more likely to continue treatment. With online therapy, you’ll normally be matched with a licensed therapist and attend sessions from the comfort of your home or anywhere with an internet connection.
Research shows that people are normally equally as satisfied with online therapy as with in-person treatment, and it can be especially beneficial for people experiencing challenges with anxiety and depression, which people with NPD can be prone to.
Some research shows that a form of CBT called schema therapy may be particularly helpful for people with narcissistic personality disorder, and CBT is usually as effective online as it is in person.
Takeaway
Frequently asked questions
Can you have too much self-love?
Yes, it's possible to have an excessive or unhealthy self-love, especially when it veers into the territory of mental disorders or narcissistic personality traits. While self-love and self-care are important for one's mental well-being, they should not come at the expense of others or be used to justify selfish or harmful behavior.
Antisocial personality disorders, which can include narcissistic traits, are also associated with high levels of self-love and a disregard for the well-being of others. These individuals may manipulate and exploit others for their own gain, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.
Pathological narcissism is characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, a constant desire for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Such individuals often prioritize their own desires and needs above all else, leading to challenges in forming healthy relationships and functioning in society.
Extreme self-love can sometimes escalate into malignant narcissism, a more severe and dangerous personality disorder. Malignant narcissists exhibit narcissistic traits and antisocial and sadistic tendencies, making them manipulative and potentially harmful to others.
While self-love and self-esteem are essential for mental well-being, an excessive focus on oneself to the detriment of others can indeed be problematic. Striking a balance between self-love and empathy for others is key to maintaining healthy relationships and functioning in society.
Is a malignant narcissist capable of love?
Malignant narcissists, characterized by a combination of narcissistic, antisocial, and sometimes sadistic traits, often struggle to experience genuine, healthy love like emotionally healthy individuals do. Their self-centered and manipulative tendencies can make forming deep, empathetic, and mutually caring relationships difficult.
While a malignant narcissist may exhibit behaviors that mimic love, such as charm and affection, early in a relationship, their underlying motivations are often rooted in self-interest, control, or manipulation. Their capacity for empathy is typically limited, making it challenging to truly connect with others on an emotional level.
While abusive narcissists may be able to imitate love or engage in superficial relationships, the genuine, selfless, and empathetic love that most people seek in healthy relationships is often beyond their capabilities. Their behaviors tend to be self-serving and can become abusive, making it crucial for individuals to recognize the signs and seek support when involved with such a person. You can visit SAMHSA's web site for resources on identifying and addressing narcissistic abuse.
How can you distinguish between self-love and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
Distinguishing between self-love and narcissism involves assessing an individual's underlying motivations and behaviors. Self-love is a healthy and balanced appreciation for oneself, while narcissistic personality disorder, especially in its extreme forms, is characterized by a delusional false sense of superiority and entitlement.
- Empathy vs. lack of empathy:Self-love is often accompanied by empathy for others and the ability to form genuine, caring relationships. NPD typically involves a lack of empathy and a focus on one's own needs and desires.
- Healthy boundaries vs. exploitation:Self-love involves setting and respecting healthy boundaries in relationships. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder tend to exploit others for personal gain, using manipulation and deceit.
- Self-awareness vs. grandiosity: Self-love is grounded in self-awareness and a realistic understanding of one's strengths and weaknesses. Individuals with NPD often exhibit grandiosity, an inflated view of their abilities and importance.
- Mutual respect vs. entitlement:Self-love fosters mutual respect in relationships. People with narcissistic personality disorder often display entitlement and believe they deserve special treatment.
- Healthy self-esteem vs. need for admiration: Self-love is linked to healthy self-esteem, while those with narcissistic personality disorder constantly seek admiration and validation from others.
Self-love involves a balanced, positive view of oneself that coexists with empathy, respect for others, and healthy relationships. On the other hand, narcissistic personality disorder is marked by excessive self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, and a focus on self-aggrandizement at the expense of others.
When a person takes behavioral and relational patterns to the extreme, it may be a sign of narcissistic personality disorder or other mental health challenges. Seeking support from a therapist with a complete clinical background, experience, and training is a helpful step toward healing.
How to love yourself but not be a narcissist?
Loving oneself without becoming narcissistic involves cultivating healthy self-love within an organized methodological framework. Self-love means appreciating your worth and well-being while maintaining empathy and genuine connections with others.
Self-acceptance
Embracing your strengths and weaknesses can help you acknowledge that nobody is perfect. Self-acceptance is the foundation of healthy self-love by building a realistic view of oneself.
Self-compassion
Being kind to yourself and understanding that everyone makes mistakes is essential for healthy self-love. Self-compassion encourages you to treat yourself with the kindness and empathy you would offer others.
Healthy boundaries
Setting and respecting boundaries in relationships helps balance self-love and empathy for others. Boundaries help you prioritize your well-being while also respecting the needs of others.
Self-reflection
Engaging in self-reflection and introspection allows you to identify harmful patterns or behaviors and improve them. Reflection helps prevent a distorted sense of self and promotes healthy self-love.
Gratitude
Cultivating gratitude for oneself, others, and life helps promote a positive self-image while fostering empathy towards others. Regularly practicing gratitude can also help prevent the development of narcissistic tendencies.
Empathy
Building and nurturing empathy towards others is crucial in maintaining healthy self-love. Empathy allows you to understand and connect with others deeper, promoting genuine, caring relationships.
Self-improvement
Continuously working on personal growth and development can help prevent stagnation and promote healthy self-love. Self-improvement can include seeking therapy, practicing self-care, and setting goals for personal improvement.
Authenticity
Being true to oneself and embracing individuality promotes a healthy sense of self-love. Authenticity involves letting go of the need for external validation and accepting oneself fully.
Incorporating these elements into your self-love allows you to maintain a positive relationship with yourself while avoiding the pitfalls of narcissistic behaviors. The surrogate self-love achieved through these practices is genuine, compassionate, and empathetic, promoting healthy relationships with oneself and others.
What is the toxic culture of self-love?
The toxic culture of self-love is a phenomenon where the genuine pursuit of self-compassion and personal growth is distorted into a self-centered, narcissistic mindset. Social media and the relentless promotion of self-indulgence, appearance-based validation, and instant gratification often fuel this culture.
Toxicity can manifest in several ways:
- Superficiality:Society excessively values external appearances and materialistic pursuits, leading individuals to prioritize image over substance.
- Entitlement:Some individuals misconstrue self-love as an entitlement to special treatment or exemption from life's challenges, undermining their resilience.
- Narcissistic behaviors: In extreme cases, the toxic culture of self-love can foster narcissistic tendencies, where individuals become self-absorbed and lack empathy for others.
- Comparison and insecurity:Constant exposure to curated images on social media can breed comparison and feelings of inadequacy, fueling a mental epidemic of insecurity.
- Validation-seeking: Today's culture often encourages people to seek external validation, leading to fragile self-esteem and emotional dependence on others' opinions.
True self-love involves self-acceptance, empathy, and personal growth. Recognizing the distinction between genuine self-love and the toxic culture surrounding it is crucial for maintaining a healthy sense of self. Practicing self-awareness and being mindful of how external influences may impact your relationship with yourself can help prevent falling into toxic self-love patterns.
What are the dangers of too much self-love?
Excessive self-love can pose several dangers, particularly concerning mental health. One of the primary risks is the development of antisocial traits and narcissistic personality disorder. People with NPD often struggle to form meaningful relationships and may experience social isolation as their self-centeredness hinders their ability to connect with others on a deep emotional level.
Furthermore, an excessive focus on oneself can lead to entitlement, where individuals expect special treatment or unrealistic privileges. This sense of entitlement can lead to frustration, anger, and strained relationships as others may struggle to meet these unreasonable expectations. These feelings can also foster an environment of social isolation as individuals prioritize their own needs and desires above all else, neglecting the importance of maintaining social connections.
Paradoxically, individuals with excessive self-love may also experience anxiety and depression. Their constant need for external validation and the pressure they place on themselves to maintain a perfect image can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, self-doubt, and self-criticism, ultimately affecting their mental well-being. Additionally, the constant projection of a perfect image can result in inauthenticity, where individuals suppress genuine emotions and thoughts, leading to emotional distress.
While self-love is essential for a healthy sense of self-worth and well-being, it should be balanced with empathy, humility, and self-awareness. Striking this balance can prevent the dangers of excessive self-love and promote genuine, compassionate relationships with oneself and others.
Can a malignant narcissist change?
Malignant narcissists often find it challenging to change. Their behaviors are deeply ingrained, and they may resist self-reflection or therapy because they view any criticism or suggestion for change as an attack on their fragile self-esteem. Moreover, they typically lack genuine insight into their destructive behaviors and their impact on suffering family members and others.
While it is theoretically possible for a malignant narcissist to change, it is exceptionally rare and typically requires intensive, long-term therapy with a mental health professional specializing in personality disorders. Even with therapy, the success rate for meaningful change is low, as many malignant narcissists resist the process.
In cases where change does occur, it often involves significant effort, commitment, and a genuine desire to address their destructive tendencies. However, given the complexity of this personality disorder, families and individuals living with a malignant narcissist often face difficult decisions, such as setting boundaries or seeking professional guidance for themselves to cope with the impact of the narcissist's behaviors.
Do malignant narcissists have emotions?
Malignant narcissists have emotions, but their emotional landscape differs from that of emotionally healthy individuals. They may experience intense emotions such as anger, envy, and self-pity. However, their emotions are often shallow and volatile. Malignant narcissists can rapidly switch from one emotional state to another, making them unpredictable.
Their primary driving force is the pursuit of narcissistic supply, which refers to the admiration, attention, and validation they crave from others. They may feign emotions to manipulate or control situations and people, using their apparent emotions strategically to achieve their goals.
Empathy, the ability to genuinely understand others' emotions, is typically lacking in malignant narcissists. They may mimic empathy when it serves their interests, but it is usually a facade. For a narcissistic or psychopathic parent, this lack of empathy can devastate their children's emotional well-being, leading to neglect and abuse.
So while malignant narcissists experience emotions, their emotional lives are marked by shallowness, manipulation, and a relentless focus on their needs and desires. These behaviors harm not only the narcissist but also those around them.
How can I practice self-love without being selfish?
Gratitude can help you cultivate self-love without becoming self-centered. Focusing on the things you appreciate in your life, both within and outside of yourself, can help shift your focus away from constantly seeking external validation or attention. Additionally, practicing empathy and kindness towards others can also help promote self-love by fostering genuine connection and understanding with those around you.
Can you have low self-esteem without being a narcissist?
Yes, it is possible to have low self-esteem without being a narcissist. Self-esteem refers to one's overall sense of self-worth and confidence in their abilities. Low self-esteem can stem from various factors, such as past experiences, negative self-talk, or comparing oneself to others.
On the other hand, narcissistic individuals may have an inflated sense of self and believe they are superior to others. However, this grandiosity typically masks deep-seated insecurities and a fragile self-esteem that is easily threatened.
While low self-esteem can be a contributing factor to narcissistic behaviors, it is not the sole cause. Other factors, such as childhood experiences and genetics, can also play a role in developing narcissistic personality disorder. Therefore, seeking professional help to understand and address the root causes of low self-esteem or problematic behaviors is essential.
- Previous Article
- Next Article