Enduring Love

When love is first blooming between you and someone new, it can be an incredible feeling, and you may wish that it would last forever. However, once the honeymoon phase has come to a close, many couples find they must put in more effort to ensure their love endures. To develop enduring love, it can be helpful to make the choice to love your partner every day, expect hard work to be necessary, and idealize your partner. Other useful strategies can include learning how they like to be loved, not shying away from arguments, and shaking things up so you can continue to experience new things together. Talking about your feelings, whether on your own or with the help of a licensed therapist, can also be highly beneficial.

Does love always fade?

Some readers may wonder if it’s futile to hope that love can stay strong through a decades-long relationship. With more than ⅓ of marriages in the United States ending in divorce, it can be easy to get discouraged about the idea of lifelong romance. Many people assume that the intense love that tends to come with a new partnership is bound to dwindle as time goes by.

It can be true that most long-term couples no longer feel the obsessive, all-consuming passion that they felt when they first got together. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the spark between them is dead. Researchers reviewing the scientific literature on love and marriage found that powerful romantic feelings can indeed last in long-term relationships. After 10 or 20 years, you and your partner may not be thinking of each other every waking minute, but you can still feel strong desire, affection, and love. Enduring love can look like many things for different couples and even vary day to day.

Some people believe that enduring love is a religious experience that refers to God’s love, faith, and morality’s ancient functions. Others believe it occurs when religious people love each other (e.g., when a person, woman, or man falls in love with another of the same faith), as demonstrated in the critically acclaimed novel, Enduring Love by Ian McEwan. You can also read about enduring love in this light in the novel First Love, Last Rites by Ian McEwan.

Romantic and sexual interest can differ from person to person

Not everyone may experience love and attraction in the same way. People of some orientations and identities may have little interest in sex, for example, while still feeling strong romantic love. The opposite may be true for some individuals, while others may not have any sexual or romantic drive at all.

Even two people of similar orientations may not feel attraction with the same level of intensity. In addition, a person’s sex drive may fluctuate throughout their life for a variety of reasons. 

One implication of this information may be that a mismatch in attraction or a decline in sexual desire doesn’t necessarily indicate a relationship is doomed. Nor may this automatically mean there’s something wrong with you. People can and do find emotional fulfillment in romance despite these differences.

How to make enduring love

Since love is often such an important part of life for many people, it’s attracted a lot of attention from researchers studying society and the human mind. Over the years, we’ve learned a great deal about the differences between the relationships that last in the long run and those that fall apart in a short period of time. Here are some important ways to potentially help your partnership endure:

Make the choice to love

Because we often talk about romance as something that strikes without warning, like an arrow from Cupid’s bow, it may sound strange to say love is a choice. Yet people in long-lasting marriages or partnerships often argue that enduring love may be something both parties must continuously choose.

Research generally offers some support for this idea of both parties choosing enduring love. A 2016 study found that participants were often able to intentionally strengthen or weaken their feelings of love for their partners through cognitive reappraisal. This suggests that you may be able to deepen your own love by focusing on the qualities of your partner that make you happy and imagining a positive future together. 

Expect hard work

A couple’s perspective on what a long-term relationship and enduring love should look like can have a big impact on how successful it is in the long run. Those who expect that they’ll just “click” with their partners, and everything will work out due to the strength of their love, tend to be less likely to last. You’ll normally have a much better chance of building a strong relationship and enduring love if both you and your partner are clear-eyed about the fact that your lives together will most likely involve heartache, disagreement, negotiation, and compromise. 

Idealize your partner

This may sound strange after learning that it can be important to be realistic about your relationship. However, research indicates that people who have exaggerated views of their partner’s good qualities are usually more likely to have happy, trusting, emotionally satisfying relationships. It may be important to think more highly about your partner than they think about themselves.

Idealizing someone in this sense doesn’t necessarily mean believing things about them that are simply not true. It also doesn’t necessarily mean ignoring negative traits or hurtful actions. It generally has more to do with focusing on what you love about them and paying attention to their efforts to improve. Studies suggest that this optimism is often rewarded with greater relationship satisfaction over time.

Learn how they like to be loved

You’ve probably heard of the concept of “love languages,” the notion that different people may have different preferences for how they like their partners to show love and affection. A 2022 study lent important support to this idea, showing that greater alignment in love languages was generally associated with happier relationships. Giving may be more important than receiving — participants who had tried to adopt their partners’ love languages were normally more fulfilled and sexually satisfied in their relationships.

Don’t be afraid to argue

If you want your relationship to last, you may need to be willing to let the other person know when you’re not happy. Researchers found that couples who expressed mild anger frequently tended to stay together longer. This might be because suppressing frustration usually causes it to build up until a serious argument erupts, seemingly out of nowhere. Besides, if your loved one is doing something that makes you unhappy, you probably need to say something if you want things to change.

Shake things up

Talk about your feelings

This piece of advice may seem obvious, but many couples still neglect it. The ability to understand one another and the feeling of being understood can be vital for the health of any relationship. Experts suggest that some crucial communication strategies can include:

• Validating your partner’s feelings - Even if you disagree with your loved one’s perspective on something, it can be important to acknowledge and empathize with how they feel. Before explaining your own view, it may be helpful to restate what they’ve said to let them know you’ve heard them.

• Seeking genuine understanding - Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is unlikely to help if it’s just part of a strategy for getting your way. It’s often essential to make a real attempt to understand their viewpoint and to remain open to the possibility of changing your own.

• Avoiding interruptions - It will probably be hard to learn what your partner really thinks if you’re constantly cutting them off. Successful communicators generally allow the other person to finish voicing their thoughts before responding.

• Expressing your feelings - Sweeping issues under the rug and staying silent about how you feel can make real communication impossible. Note that it may be just as important to speak up about positive emotions, letting your partner know when you’re grateful to them or excited for their success.

• Speaking calmly - If you raise your voice, your volume may be all that your partner hears. It’s usually best to try to maintain an even tone of voice when discussing sensitive topics.

Participate in therapy together

It can be easy to think of couples therapy as something you only do when your marriage is falling apart. But even if you and your partner are feeling happy and satisfied, engaging in therapy together might be extremely helpful for the long-term health of your relationship. Therapy with a licensed mental health expert can:

• Let you practice communication skills that may help you throughout your relationship

• Provide a regular time for you to discuss your feelings

• Allow you to address potential issues before they build up into huge problems

• Build a habit of working to address relationship challenges

Prioritizing therapy can be difficult if you’re not in a crisis, especially when you must work around two people’s schedules. That’s one potential reason why many couples turn to online therapy. Because you can communicate with your therapist remotely, it’s often easier to find the time to talk. You may also have an easier time locating a provider who can work with you when you’re not limited to those practicing in your immediate area.

Research into online relationship therapy has found it generally has the same effectiveness as in-person therapy. Couples who tried it reported high levels of satisfaction with the process, and the majority said that it was helpful for their relationships. Many said that the sense of distance from communicating remotely helped them feel more comfortable. This might make it easier for you and your partner to open up about what’s on your minds.